Unknowable Secrets of the Magic Chicken People REVEALED! OR: How the most advanced civilization in all of science fiction was Care Bear land

HERE IN RAPID CITY there's a guy who rides a bike in circles outside the cell phone store dressed like a big yellow chicken. I've never been able to make the connection between how a chicken riding a bike in circles in front of your store is supposed to get you customers. When I was a kid growing up in El Paso, I remember the San Diego chicken sports team mascot would do appearances at our minor league baseball games. I swear they would call him "the Magic Chicken" but I can't find any reference to that name anywhere so it must be something I came up with in my eight year old head. It seems magic chicken people are some sort of marketing secret weapon for baseball teams and cell phone providers but I still don't understand why or how they guaranteed sales. When I was a kid and I saw crazy stuff like that I just figured when I grew up it would all make sense to me. I held out hope that
there would be a class where someone would explain to me magic chicken marketing.

Unfortunately nobody ever explained the inner workings of the chicken people marketing method and it remains a secret to me to this day. But when I see chicken people I just sort of go along with it. I accept them as elements of my existence that I don't understand and I move on. I don't question them. So why is it that I am having such a hard time reading the new Transformer movie prequel novel? I'll tell you why. Because although I can accept the premise of an ancient race of giant transforming alien robots, I can't figure out why that one is named Bumblebee. Every time I'm reading that book and I see that name, I get yanked out of the story and I go-"WAIT! Why is that one giant transforming alien robot who has never been to earth before named Bumblebee?" Smarter fans of toy robots than I understand these things but I haven't quite finished my PhD in why alien robots name each other after fuzzy bees from outer space.

But Transformers isn't the only fiction where I find myself being yanked out of the story by unfathomable-to-my-feeble-brain inconsistencies. I cringe every time I see a spaceship in Star Wars taking off vertically. How is it that ninety nine percent of the Star Wars ships have the rockets on the back but they all float straight up when they first take off? Only the Slave-1 had ground pointing rockets! Why did the Voltron lions roar? Why would they deem it necessary after building this marvel of combining robot engineering to put in roar technology? What is roar technology and is it activated by a button in the cockpit? Why? I also don't understand damn near anything about how Care Bear Land works. Holy hell they had cloud based technology incorporated into architecture and transportation systems! At least the Star Wars stuff could be remotely explained as advanced circuit based electronics, but FUCK! Care Bear science found a way to make cars WITH SMILEY FACES ON THE FRONT from water vapor! Holy hell THEY ARE THE MOST ADVANCED CIVILIZATION MANKIND HAS YET IMAGINED.

OOPS! The Queen of Macrocrania has just informed me that the chicken guy who rides a bike is actually the mascot of the chicken sandwich restaurant next to the cell phone store. ANOTHER UNKNOWABLE MYSTERY SOLVED!

I'd rather wipe people's butts at the McDonald's restroom than keep writing the HTMLS for Vintage SPace Toaster Palace

When I worked at Target back in 1994 as a stocker boy the other stocker boys would invite me to play football with them in the park. I knew they played a really brutal form of touch football that resulted in horrific injuries and lots of damage to themselves and nearby trees. They'd come to work with all these horrible scars and bruises like they just survived car accidents. But they reassured me it was just 'touch' football. Kind of like 'touch' in the way that the electric chair 'touches' death row inmates.

One week in this process of maiming each other they broke the leg of Beto, the only guy who knew how to run the forklift in the Target stockroom. Worse than that, Beto was a wide receiver at touch football death match. So although they knew I was a 20 year old, 110 pound toy robot loving nerd, they didn't ask in in an ironic or sarcastic way. Those guys really needed an extra guy and they were willing to lower their standards enough to beat me up, too. Holy crap I think I broke part of my brain that day. After the game, each of my eyes wouldn't line up with each other, like how if you look through a pair of binoculars that's been run over by the Death Star. I had to drive home in my '79 Toronado with my head cocked at a 45 degree angle in order to get the picture from my left eye to line up correctly with the picture from my right eye. Also it felt like I was on fire.

That's kind of how I felt just now as I finished adding about ten zillion ads to the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. My brain is totally fried and I really need to stop before my dogs start talking to me in HTML tags. But in the meantime I hope you like the new Galactic Man and Transformers 1985 sections.

The speed of your fax machine determines how much of a toy robots fan you are OR: ORBOTCON or BOTCON?

Damn I am so tired of people complaining how expensive it is to preregister for Botcon. What all you whiny robot chickens don't understand is the concept of CONventional Reflectoral Allsparkory Perceptory Economics, or CONRAPE for short. CONRAPE is an economic force affecting official convention registration costs for fandoms of cartoon toy robots. It's in all the wikkias and googles but I will explain it to you here.

As a fanbase gets older it is very probable that their expendable income increases as well. Understandably, it is only fair that convention organizers who cater to people in a well established and large fandom be compensated proportionally to what those attendees can pay. For example, the exclusive toy at a convention for Mighty Orbots held in South Dakota this year was a $2 unpainted resin model kit some guy made in his garage. However, the exclusive convention toy at this year's Gundam convention in Antarctica is a $250,000 platinum plated Gundam figure with diamond eyes. Because Gundam is older than God (and more popular) and Mighty Orbots sucks Voltron balls.

In ten years it will cost $25,000 to preregister for Botcon but because at least 4 people can afford it, they'll keep doing the show. But don't think you don't get anything for 10 months of your entire yearly income. Those four lucky people will get blood transfusions from Peter Cullen, the voice of Optimus Prime. Peter will be providing voices in Michael Bay's Transformers the Movie PART X, which will be released that year. And each attendee of Botcon 2017 will get a box of 200 exclusive figures, 197 of which will be black repaints of that year's Optimus Prime. The three others will be new figures recolored in the paint schemes of obscure minicon characters from Transformers Armada to appease the 'old skool' fans. (Actually all characters from Transformers Armada are obscure even today because nobody watched Transformers Armada.) And Botcon 2017 will be on the moon.

Something else I can tell you about the future of this fandom is that Botcon will far outlast the retail Transformers toyline as long as hundreds of people keep paying over $300 in preregistration fees. Those more established well off fans will keep paying more and the convention organizers will keep charging it and giving them more of that addictive social interaction with other condescending fans, L33T feelings that come from owning exclusive Optimus Primes and other participatory toy robot event nirvana. What to do if you can't fully participate because you won't mortgage your house to go to Botcon? Well, the only alternative I see is to kill all Transformer fans over 30. They are the ones with high enough incomes to perpetuate the CONRAPE that the lesser fans are suffering. But if you come after me I will cut your head off and mail it to your mom via that cool new R2-D2 mailbox. I'm not going to Botcon this year anyways so back off!

Besides, you could always not pre-register for Botcon and just pay $9 at the door. Think of it this way-at least you're not going to Star Wars Celebration 4. They have to pay $110 just to get in, and that's without toys of any kind. You should be glad you're being let in to Botcon at all, you cheap bastard!

mORE sPACE Toast, please.

The VSTP gets updated today with a handful of ads from the Kronoform, Robotech and ROM toylines. Plus I get started on TFs with the addition of the Transformers 1984 section. Long time friends and internet stalkers may remember back in 2002 when I started the TF ad archive, which exists now only at archive.org. The Vintage Space Toaster Palace is basically a rehashing of that idea, but with a broader focus and newer old (or is it more old?) ads.

The world is being lied to. I am here to expose your mom.-Part 3 of 37

The pre-promotion hype machine for the next Transformer movie is in full swing but the vast majority of robot nerds haven't been following along because they're all pissed that Bumblebee is a Camaro now. Fuck them! I've bought the first two issues of the prequel comic series, I found the prequel novel at Wal MArt this week and I'm even getting into the fantastically cheesy viral marketing website they're doing. (The password is currently FWIFFO) But fuck you Transformers movie I am NOT FRIENDING YOU ON MYSPACE.

As an offshoot to the Sector Seven website there's been a series of podcasts by a character called "Agent-X". If you're playing along you've already subscribed to the podcast via itunes but bECASUE i THINK ItUNES ARE GAY HEre are the direct URLs to the mp4s:

Agent X Podcast Episode 1
Agent X Podcast Episode 2
Agent X Podcast Episode 3
Agent X Podcast Episode 4
Agent X Podcast Episode 5
Agent X Podcast Episode 6
Agent X Podcast Episode 7

Some website guy (who I suspect is a marketing shill for the Transformers corporate media machine) has altered the pitch of Agent X's voice to hear the real voice under the distortion. And what a big surprise-it's Peter Cullen acting all crazy, which is kind of cool in a 'my grandpa has Alzheimer's disease and he thinks he's a secret agent' kind of way. First off, what the hell kind of batshit crazy robot fan would think to alter the pitch of a distorted voice from a toy robot movie show podcast? And second, HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT HE DID?

vINTAGE sPace Toaster Palace

BECAUSE NOBODY DEMANDED IT!

In my continuing effort to make the internet more retarded, I have launched the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. It is a collection of 20+ year old toy robot related newspaper ads. I've been annoying countless library patrons since 2002 by using the noisy microfishe reel machines to photograph old newspaper ads of Shogun Warrior toys from 1978. But fuck them! Now I share the fruits of that labor with you, my fellow citizens of Macrocrania. I'm starting it off with ads for Battlestar Galactica, Micronauts, Shogun Warriors, the Starbird and Voltron. But later on I'll put up an assload of Star Wars and Transformers ads. Then like everything else I do I'll lose interest and stop paying for webhosting in nine months and go back to practicing my force powers and riding Tauntauns.

It may not be bestiality but you still need to stop raping your Teddy Ruxpin before your wife finds out

Toy Fuckers weekly advice column

Dear Evil King Macrocranios,

I am a closeted gay stockboy at WalMart and ever since 1989 I have been raping my Teddy Ruxpin. Lately our lovemaking has grown tired and I secretly have been wanting to fuck Tickle Me Elmo. I try to keep it intersting by putting casette tapes of Milli Vanilli in him and we even go fucking out in public but it's just not the same anymore. I have been banging Teddy Ruxpin since I was nine and he used to give great blowjobs so I don't want to quit but he's changed. I purposely took out his batteries last time so he wouldn't feel anything. It was like giving him a date rape drug. I feel pretty guilty about that. My question is this-is what I do considered beastiality? And even worse, am I gay?

You crazy fucker! A mice just shitted in my styrofoams and jumped on my head!


Hey EKM,

Yesterday I found a Teddy Ruxpin head in my refrigerator.
I think my husband is the Jeffrey Dahmer of stuffed animals. When we were at lunch I asked him if he had a Teddy Ruxpin when he was little and he said, "Yeah, I HAD him all right. And all the Powerpuff Girls." I am worried about STDs. Can he get herpes from the Powerpuff Girls? It makes me uncomfortable because I think he's turning into one of those furries because I guess this is how furries start out but so far he hasn't mutated into one of those freaks. My question is this-is what he does considered beastiality? And even worse, is he gay?

SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO CONNECT MY GODDAMN HD TELEVISION!