Sunday, April 08, 2007

Unknowable Secrets of the Magic Chicken People REVEALED! OR: How the most advanced civilization in all of science fiction was Care Bear land

HERE IN RAPID CITY there's a guy who rides a bike in circles outside the cell phone store dressed like a big yellow chicken. I've never been able to make the connection between how a chicken riding a bike in circles in front of your store is supposed to get you customers. When I was a kid growing up in El Paso, I remember the San Diego chicken sports team mascot would do appearances at our minor league baseball games. I swear they would call him "the Magic Chicken" but I can't find any reference to that name anywhere so it must be something I came up with in my eight year old head. It seems magic chicken people are some sort of marketing secret weapon for baseball teams and cell phone providers but I still don't understand why or how they guaranteed sales. When I was a kid and I saw crazy stuff like that I just figured when I grew up it would all make sense to me. I held out hope that
there would be a class where someone would explain to me magic chicken marketing.

Unfortunately nobody ever explained the inner workings of the chicken people marketing method and it remains a secret to me to this day. But when I see chicken people I just sort of go along with it. I accept them as elements of my existence that I don't understand and I move on. I don't question them. So why is it that I am having such a hard time reading the new Transformer movie prequel novel? I'll tell you why. Because although I can accept the premise of an ancient race of giant transforming alien robots, I can't figure out why that one is named Bumblebee. Every time I'm reading that book and I see that name, I get yanked out of the story and I go-"WAIT! Why is that one giant transforming alien robot who has never been to earth before named Bumblebee?" Smarter fans of toy robots than I understand these things but I haven't quite finished my PhD in why alien robots name each other after fuzzy bees from outer space.

But Transformers isn't the only fiction where I find myself being yanked out of the story by unfathomable-to-my-feeble-brain inconsistencies. I cringe every time I see a spaceship in Star Wars taking off vertically. How is it that ninety nine percent of the Star Wars ships have the rockets on the back but they all float straight up when they first take off? Only the Slave-1 had ground pointing rockets! Why did the Voltron lions roar? Why would they deem it necessary after building this marvel of combining robot engineering to put in roar technology? What is roar technology and is it activated by a button in the cockpit? Why? I also don't understand damn near anything about how Care Bear Land works. Holy hell they had cloud based technology incorporated into architecture and transportation systems! At least the Star Wars stuff could be remotely explained as advanced circuit based electronics, but FUCK! Care Bear science found a way to make cars WITH SMILEY FACES ON THE FRONT from water vapor! Holy hell THEY ARE THE MOST ADVANCED CIVILIZATION MANKIND HAS YET IMAGINED.

OOPS! The Queen of Macrocrania has just informed me that the chicken guy who rides a bike is actually the mascot of the chicken sandwich restaurant next to the cell phone store. ANOTHER UNKNOWABLE MYSTERY SOLVED!

1 comment:

Mickey said...

The "Famous" chicken came to Louisville Redbirds games also and they advertised him. I thought I was the only one that thought "why is he famous?" and wondered if he was so "famous" why is he at the Redbirds game? Shouldn't he be in the major leagues if he is so damn famous and funny? Who was he and the Redbirds trying to fool? I know that you got called up to the big time and if you ever showed up again, it meant you sucked in the big leagues therefore the "Famous" chicken sucked or he would not be at the Redbirds game voluntarily.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.