Friday, April 06, 2007

I'd rather wipe people's butts at the McDonald's restroom than keep writing the HTMLS for Vintage SPace Toaster Palace

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When I worked at Target back in 1994 as a stocker boy the other stocker boys would invite me to play football with them in the park. I knew they played a really brutal form of touch football that resulted in horrific injuries and lots of damage to themselves and nearby trees. They'd come to work with all these horrible scars and bruises like they just survived car accidents. But they reassured me it was just 'touch' football. Kind of like 'touch' in the way that the electric chair 'touches' death row inmates.

One week in this process of maiming each other they broke the leg of Beto, the only guy who knew how to run the forklift in the Target stockroom. Worse than that, Beto was a wide receiver at touch football death match. So although they knew I was a 20 year old, 110 pound toy robot loving nerd, they didn't ask in in an ironic or sarcastic way. Those guys really needed an extra guy and they were willing to lower their standards enough to beat me up, too. Holy crap I think I broke part of my brain that day. After the game, each of my eyes wouldn't line up with each other, like how if you look through a pair of binoculars that's been run over by the Death Star. I had to drive home in my '79 Toronado with my head cocked at a 45 degree angle in order to get the picture from my left eye to line up correctly with the picture from my right eye. Also it felt like I was on fire.

That's kind of how I felt just now as I finished adding about ten zillion ads to the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. My brain is totally fried and I really need to stop before my dogs start talking to me in HTML tags. But in the meantime I hope you like the new Galactic Man and Transformers 1985 sections.

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