Monday, April 02, 2007

It may not be bestiality but you still need to stop raping your Teddy Ruxpin before your wife finds out

Toy Fuckers weekly advice column

Dear Evil King Macrocranios,

I am a closeted gay stockboy at WalMart and ever since 1989 I have been raping my Teddy Ruxpin. Lately our lovemaking has grown tired and I secretly have been wanting to fuck Tickle Me Elmo. I try to keep it intersting by putting casette tapes of Milli Vanilli in him and we even go fucking out in public but it's just not the same anymore. I have been banging Teddy Ruxpin since I was nine and he used to give great blowjobs so I don't want to quit but he's changed. I purposely took out his batteries last time so he wouldn't feel anything. It was like giving him a date rape drug. I feel pretty guilty about that. My question is this-is what I do considered beastiality? And even worse, am I gay?

You crazy fucker! A mice just shitted in my styrofoams and jumped on my head!

Hey EKM,

Yesterday I found a Teddy Ruxpin head in my refrigerator.
I think my husband is the Jeffrey Dahmer of stuffed animals. When we were at lunch I asked him if he had a Teddy Ruxpin when he was little and he said, "Yeah, I HAD him all right. And all the Powerpuff Girls." I am worried about STDs. Can he get herpes from the Powerpuff Girls? It makes me uncomfortable because I think he's turning into one of those furries because I guess this is how furries start out but so far he hasn't mutated into one of those freaks. My question is this-is what he does considered beastiality? And even worse, is he gay?


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.