Thursday, April 12, 2007

Esteb-On. Apply Directly to Vagina. Esteb-On. Apply Directly to Vagina.

Originally uploaded by SSDeAnda.
Well the Prince of Macrocrania was born this week, which is bad timing if he ever wanted to see Star wars in theaters, but good timing if he was waiting for me to get a nice television to see them at home. I've never owned any Star Wars home video releases. I've been waiting for the day they'll release Star Wars on the Blu-Rays so that I can go ahead and get the latest cool new televisions with all the high definitions. Yes I'm a little afraid of having those powerful mysterious Blu-Rays in my house but I've waited a long time for them to be available so I can watch R2-D2 shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level in stunning high definitions. I'm like the inverse of George Lucas because instead of waiting for technologies to improve to make Star Wars, I was waiting for Star Wars to improve so I could get technologies.

Having a son reminds me that I heard the Y-chromosome is shedding alarming amounts of genetic information from one generation to the next. Fortunately I have devised a plan to infuse my son with extra manliness by builing an obstacle course for him in my backyard identical to the one seen in the intro of GI Joe, complete with dangerous laser beams. Until his infant legs can move fast enough to dodge my laser rifle, we will be watching marathons of Gigantor and Tranzor Z. In a few years will he achieve DNA manliness on the level of his great grandfather who I think piloted a giant black and white robot and beat up Cobra Commander's dad. Maybe he didn't but I don't know for sure because both of my grandfathers died when I was three. This left me grandfatherless, which is similar to an orphan but less powerful.

Being de-grandfathered early in life opens up numerous opportunities for awkward social situations because lately my friends in their 20's and 30's get sad when their grandfathers die and they come to me looking for consolation. Never knowing my grandfathers does not make me an expert on the grandfather bereavement process. Like how I would daydream in fourth grade about getting Voltron to do my homework. It seemed like a good idea because he was a robot and robots are smart. This shows how lame my imagination was. While discussing our Voltron fantasies at recess the other kids said they'd make him roar a lot, set the cafeteria on fire with his laser eyes and cut the teachers in half. This highlights the absurdity of putting powerful robot technology in the hands of children, which was the plot of all the Japanimations when I was little. This also highlights the homicidal pyromaniacal nature of the ten year old boys at my school.

One day when I was a little boy my grandma and I were looking through the old shed she had in her backyard with many of my grandfather's belongings. I was shocked when she found a little scale model of a Model T Ford that she said belonged to my grandfather. He left it unfinished but all the parts were there in a box. She gave it to me and I was so happy and excited to have a shot at finishing it. It would be like we were working on something together beyond the seperation of death. We'd have a connection like all the other little boys and their grandfathers who were still alive. Then when I was washing the model parts in the bathroom sink some of them went down the drain. I was distraught and depressed and I cried a lot and never even tried to finish the model. I guess the moral of the story is that it's not too late to be a disappointment to your grandfather even after he's dead.

But don't feel all sad for me just because I'm a sort of orphan with poor imagination, no grandfathers and I don't know how to use a sink. Luckily I am Catholic so I believe that my dead grandfathers live in outer space with Jesus, the superhero fisherman with magic powers. Hopefully when I die I can use the power of Voltron to defeat Jesus and get my grandfathers back. Then we will go on the lam in fantastic robot lions as we attempt to restore the power of the y-chromosome with Blu-Ray players. Being Catholic kicks ass!


Apocalypse said...

I never knew my grandfathers, either! I knew there was a reason we're so similar. Congratulations on procreating. Don't forget to show the little guy plenty of that show Thunder in Paradise with Hulk Hogan and that awesome boat.

naladahc said...


Smurfwreck said...

First step in world domination completed, next step is training the kid in serveral forms of hand to hand combat before trading him off to another kingdom, ala Darksied and the New Gods. Gots to raise 'em right.

Matt said...

My first thought was "He's old enough to be a dad?" My second was "Congratulations!"

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Yeah, I've always been kinda runty so my physical appearance throws people. I'm 33 and we've been married 10 years, although sometimes I act 10 and I feel like we've been trying to have a kid for 33 years.

Thanks everyone for all the congratses. Your recommendations will be implemented immediately as soon as Thunder in Paradise gets a home video release and I find Darkseid's mailing address on planet Apokolips.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.