Monday, May 14, 2007

A heartwarming post Mother's Day tale of kindergarten bloodletting

When I was in kindergarten back in '79 I fukcin' hated sleep time or nap time or whatever the hell else it was called. Did other schools do this or was my kindergarten teacher just slacking off or trying to distract us while she smoked weed? The idea was each of us would lay down on a little mat and 'sleep' for a half hour. Most of the time I swear all the kids just laid down with their eyes closed and squirmed a lot and the teacher never noticed or cared. As long as she got her 30 minutes of pot smoking I guess she was good.

The reason I hated nap time was not the way I had to hold my pee for thirty minutes, it was some a-hole five year old guy named Randy who would torment me while I was fake sleeping. I swear he was the guy who invented attention deficit disorder and he would go out of his way to pick on me in my fake sleep while I was doing my best to ignore him. His most heinous crime was when he'd stick his finger in my mouth and then in my nose. That fucker! I hated that. While he was running amok over my fake comatose body, I was inventing horrible revenges to unleash upon him one day. Of course it would shock the playground the day I unleashed my wrath, but I knew what I was capable of. And although Randy was the reason they invented Ritalin, I invented passive aggression when I was four.

The friday before Mother's Day our pot smoking teacher had us make pencil holders for our moms from coffe cans. Basically you get a coffe can and glue construction paper on it, draw some pictures with crayons and call it a decorative pencil holder. This is how I knew she was smoking weed. While other kids were drawing hearts and flowers on theirs, I drew a pair of robot eyes. That has nothing to do with the story, but I just remembered it now and I thought it was cool.

My arch enemy Randy was quite proud of his pencil holder, which must have meant he really loved his mom a lot and wanted to make her happy. I immediately recognized this as a weakness I could expliot. During naptime torment that day I smiled and I licked Randy's finger as he pulled it out of my mouth. That probably weirded him out, but come on, he knew I wasn't sleeping. That's what made bullying fun for him in the first place. The way I wouldn't openly confront him while he was being a prick got him off or something. No matter. I didn't care. I could taste my future vengeance on his finger and it was sweet.

Everyday when school got out at 2:15 we'd all do a mad rush out the playground gates much like the people in Spain do during the running of the bulls. It was a miracle we didn't trample each other. But when school let out that Friday all my dreams came true and Randy tripped and fell and got trampled by the entire Kindergarten class! What fantastic luck! I had always wanted to beat the guy but I never expected fate to give me the added help of the entire kindergarten class! From my vantage point near the back of the pack I could see what was happening and I ran and pushed the other kids away as if I were trying to save him from further trampling. What I was really trying to do was clear a path so I could get a good shot.

I will always remember looking down on Randy in his darkest hour, crying and brusied and sitting with his legs all bent weird after having been kindergarten trampled. I will always remember him looking up to me and seeing that look in his tear filled eyes that acknowledged he was sorry for all he'd done to me and he'd be a better guy if I'd just help him get up, get his things and get out of there. I will also always remember the shriek of horror he made as I dashed the pencil holder he made for his mom right out of his hands. He was protecting it above all else during the melee but after he'd been stepped on multiple times he was pretty weak and it was easy for me to rip it from his hands. I stomped on it, breaking the pencils and tearing up all the cardboard designs he painstakingly drew, which must have been hard with his 5 year old A.D.D. head. I considered bashing him in the head with the coffe can part, but I was sure those kinds of bruises would have been hard to explain away as part of the trample damage. Besides, my mom saw me break the pencilholder so I was already in a lot of trouble and I didn't need to add attempted manslaughter to my list of things I'd be put in the corner for.

Oh perfect vengeance. Long story short, he never bothered me again during naptime. Happy ending!


Anonymous said...

You didn't just invent passive aggrssion, you invented columbine.

Weasel said...

Yes, evey kindergarten class did the nap BS. I had to do it in mine. I hated it. I never fell asleep once during that crap!

Good Lord, man. You are truly evil. I knew there was a reason I liked you. (And not just for the CybCon Bumblebee, either.)


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