Sunday, August 03, 2008

In America it's "Halloween" but in Mexico it's called "Dia De Los Dorky Costumes"

It is August and according to my junk mail that means Halloween is here. Some company sent me a kid's costume catalog and it got me thinking about what we're going to dress the Prince of Macrocrania up as this Halloween. We did the cutey little baby pumpkin thing last year but this time it looks like his mommy is going to be away on business during late October so I can get away with dressing him however I want. I can't wait to see all the great toddler sized Japanese super robot costumes Toys R Us is going to have this year. Will I dress him up as Voltron or Getter Robo or the greatest super robot ever, Phoenix King? OH WAIT I FORGOT THIS IS AMERICA. Instead, my choices of toddler costume are limited to all-American favorites like baby Yoda, baby the Fruit Loops bird and baby Satan.

Carrs October 1986
The selection gets a bit better in the age 3-4 years range. If the baby was a bit older I could get him one of those Clone Smurftrooper or Boba Smurf costumes from the new Star Warses that are all the rage amongst hip nerdy dads. (On the other hand I'm glad he's too small to fit into the horrible Michael Bay robot chupacabra costume.)

I'm really impressed by how far kid costume technology has come. I like how they incorporate sculpted foam musculature and weapon accessories now. All we had in the 80s were crappy masks with plastic t-shirts. Back when I was a kid the costumes were so horrible that they had to write the name of the character on the costume shirt along with a cartoon rendering of how the head was supposed to look so you could tell who it was supposed to be. So if you wore a Voltron costume you didn't look like Voltron, you looked like Voltron wearing a Voltron shirt. Narcissistic Voltron. It's like when members of Iron Maiden wear Iron Maiden shirts while they're performing. It's all rock and roll. Hell yeah if I was Voltron I would wear a Voltron shirt. But the masks of the costumes were often so awful that kids would end up looking like Voltron got his ass kicked for wearing his own t-shirt. But you know it would be fun to go, "Hey baby let me show you the sixth lion-IN MY PANTS!"

I do give credit to the He-Man costume below for actually trying to be a costume and not looking like He-Man wearing a He-Man shirt. But the problem with costumes back then was they were little more than plastic smocks so it was impossible for wimpy 11-year-old me to pull off looking like anything that didn't have skinny limbs. If I wore a He-Man costume, chances are I would have looked like He-Man with bone arms. But I could do E.T. pretty good. Even at a young age I had that grey alien-like physique I am so proud of today.

K-Mart 23 October 1985

I think this year we're going to go with baby Yoda unless I can find something better. If I were the dressing up kind of guy I would be the adult Smurftrooper or adult Han Solo. I think thematically the Smurftrooper would fit better because Yoda hung out with those guys in the movies or something. I would call myself Commander Chody in case anybody who was more Star Wars than me asks who I was supposed to be, just to show how much I know about this stuff. Then my son and I could reenact that quintessential scene everybody remembers from Revenge of the Sith where Commander Chody the Smurftrooper takes Yoda to Burger King for a Kid's Meal and then Yoda poops himself and the Commander Chody changes his diaper.


Heavyarms said...

When I was a kid I always wanted this GI Joe costume. I wasn't very smart because it never occurred to me that I could just wear a green shirt, green pants and a green helmet and still look like Grunt.

I found the costume I wanted to wear this year, but my wife told me it would be incredibly dorky and no one would get it.

She may have been mad, though, because I ordered her a Care Bear costume, but told her it wasn't just for her to wear at Halloween.

Weasel said...

Ah, 1980s Halloween costumes were so awesomely bad. I had a terrible Gremlins costume that scared the hell out of almost everybody, a terrible She-Ra costume and an awful Yoda costume. The scary thing? I think my mother has pictures somewhere.

You did know that there was an adult sized movie Op costume, right? 'Cause me and Prime have it. I just thank heavens that they didn't make a similar Bumblebee costume, because I'd have to wear it. (Stop laughin' dammit...)

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Wow guys, I'm planning to do a post later this week called "Returno de Dia De Los Dorky Costumes" with ads for some of the costumes you mentioned. If you think the old 80s G.I. Joe, Gremlins and Care Bears costumes looked weird you should see the scary line art for them in these ads.

Heavyarms I love the trend of slutty themed women's costumes. I didn't know they extended it to Care Bears like that. I'll bet in 10 years there'll be slutty Teletubbies. Congratulations and be sure to post pictures once it arrives.

Lynn did you notice the kid's version of the Prime costume has molded plastic parts on the chest? I don't remember the previous version having that much detail. I think this is a new one!

Sean said...

I had the Ultra Magnus mask with the dorky shirt costume when I was five: (
I didn't know they had a Metroplex costume. That's pretty hilarious.

Weasel said...

Oh crap. If it's a friggin' variant, we'll have to rebuy it. (Prime, I love ya, but I think you're gonna make us go broke!)

I've seen pics of Animated costumes which I'm guessing are coming this year. One's a Bumblebee. And it's freaking cute. So naturally, I need it.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Yeah, Lynn, the deluxe Optimus Prime costume comes in adult size with plastic bits, too. I really like how the deluxe versions of the Animated costumes make use of that foamy shaping stuff. But even today's technology pales in comparison to the MOST AWESOME GUY EVER.

Mick said...

Wuzzle means to mix.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

A Bumblelion is a bee/lion and a Megatron is a young man.

agentmorris said...

Heavyarms: That Care Bears costume reminds me of the girl I saw dressed as Strawberry Shortcake at the last Con I attended.

It wasn't all that slutty a costume, but she did have a baby in her arms. It was cool to see that even Strawberry Shortcake will put out to the right guy...or perhaps she drank too much one night....ummm....whatever.

Hooper_X said...

You would look like He-Man with AIDS, dude.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.