Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Max Steel is a douchebag!

Mattel did a press release stating they've developed a partnership with some media company to breathe some life into their old dead brands. Of course the obvious move is to make movies and video games of their most recognizable properties nobody likes like He-Man, but I noticed the press release also mentioned something called Max Steel! Could it be that they misspelled it and they really meant "Maxx Steele" as in Maxx Steele's RoboForce, which was the totally awful line of tubby toy robots with suction cup butts "gripper bases" released in the early 80's? I was thinking, holy crap a new RoboForce toyline with those unreleased robots would be awesome! And then I crapped my pants when I went to Wikipedia and found out that "Max Steel" is actually a CGI cartoon from 2002 that sounds like a retarded mash up of Tony Hawk and Austin Powers. I can't believe Mattel came up with something dumber than suction cup butt robots.

I became slightly nostalgic for Maxx Steele and his friends during the brief moment when I thought I might be getting a RoboForce video game or Michael Bay movie or whatever. In the early 80's the concept of robot didn't just mean mechanical bipedal humanoid like it does today. Robot designs were all over the place. There were weird floaty balls like B.O.B. and V.I.N.C.E.N.T. from Disney's The Black Hole, Battlestar Galactica had that furry bear robot Daggit and the first ZOIDS I had as a kid looked like abstractions of prehistoric monsters. Roboforce robots looked like militant jukeboxes but it was funny because it's hard to keep that stubby domed shape and not look cute no matter how many spikes and laser guns you put on them. I guess they could seem menacing if you're the kind of guy that gets intimidated by mailboxes. Most internet articles say they look like customized Daleks, but I say Roboforce robots are what you'd get if a bunch of astromech droids from Star Wars got together to make a heavy metal band called GWAR2-D2.

Although I thought they were a goofy idea back then, now I miss the inventiveness and originality of the RoboForce design. Thanks to their "gripper bases" they were the only robots I owned that sucked on purpose. Plus their names kind of sounded like sex toys. So to celebrate my memories, here's America's favorite game show-Robo Force Robot or Vibrator? (Click on the names for the answers!)

Robo Force RobotVibrator 
S.O.T.A (State Of The Art)
Beyond 2000 GX4
Hun-Dred
ULTRA TECH 3000
Blazer
Thunder Cloud
Purple Titan
Maxx Steele
Lexington Steele
Vulgar
Vibro Penetrator
Wrecker - The Demolisher

7 comments:

Heavyarms said...

That Beyond 2000 GX4 (yeah, I clicked on all of them, what?) could hurt someone. It looks like an erotic Dremel tool.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Yeah a lot of those vibrator designs rub me the wrong way. When I was doing vibrator research for the quiz I noticed that women are a lot more adventurous than I ever imagined. I'd be really uncomfortable in the presence of something with a name like Vibro-Penetrator, but chicks probably eat it up.

The Transformers writers should have used vibrator names for the Decepticons. From now on I'm calling Shockwave by his vibrator name, "Purple Titan".

I almost wish my parents would have named me Lex so I could name my gigantic copulation organ "The Lexcalibur".

Weasel said...

Yeah a lot of those vibrator designs rub me the wrong way.

Well, of course! They weren't exactly designed for you. XD

Now you've given me the urge to visit a porno shop. Damn you, I want to own a Purple Titan!

Evil King Macrocranios said...

How is it that they can describe a big purple vibrator as "realistic"? I've seen a lot of cocks (but only in super hetero porns and I didn't look at them on purpose) and I can guarantee no human guy out there turns purple when he's all happy. The only way this makes sense is if women's ultimate secret fantasies involve either a) that Grimace guy from McDonald's b) Barney the dinosaur or c) the purple Teletubby.

VICEGRIPX said...

All this talk of vibrators reminds me of the Erotic Role Playing Game book that someone sold to my store. There was a page listing STDs like Crimson Sores and Lover Lice and a page showing about ten different "units" that looked they would hurt more than be pleasurable.

Weasel said...

I think they mean it feels like a real cock, not necessarily looks like a real cock. Honestly, some of the "flesh" colored dildos look fake as hell to me. And I have no idea how "real" they might actually feel.

Screw it, I want one in yellow. (Shut up....)

Evil King Macrocranios said...

HASBRO MAKE THIS VIBRATOR!

 

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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.