Tuesday, February 05, 2008

I guess its possible if TIE Fighter pilots piloted Tie Fighters and AT-AT drivers drove AT-ATs, then by that logic Biker Scouts ride Scouter Bikes

My son's first birthday is coming up so that got me thinking about how presents are wasted on babies and everybody should just buy me stuff instead. All he ever does with any present I buy him is eat the box, but maybe I'm being close minded and that's his own special way of showing appreciation. The Queen of Macrocrania also has a strange way of showing appreciation-she leaves her presents lying around for months without using them. It drives me crazy. That new Eagles CD I got her last year is still sitting on top of the CD organizer, only opened once. It was really hard for me to find that super limited deluxe collector's edition version with the special red cloth silk screened case at Wal-Mart. Of course, whatever I find at Wal-Mart couldn't possibly be limited by virtue of it being found at Wal-Mart, but I would like to commend Wal-Mart marketing for tricking me into feeling like the packaging of the stuff I'm buying actually matters in real life. The least my wife could do to show me she likes it is nibble at the red silk screening a little.

I decided to confront her about not listening to it but before I got all emo about a CD I bought her a couple months ago I needed to anticipate what arguments she may use to make me look dumb. I don't know if it's because she's been going to Toastmasters or if it's because we've been married for ten years but I've been thinking a bit more about what I say to her before I say it in anticipation of complex verbal retaliations. It's all unnecessary though because to win any argument all she has to do is say "toy robots collection" and I collapse onto the floor, curl up into the fetal position and start crying and begging for her to make the hurting stop. It doesn't even matter what the argument is about, I feel the credibility of anything I say is so compromised by me owning assloads of toy robots that I can't criticize even the most heinous of evil deeds. There have been one or two guys throwing babies off of bridges lately and when we're watching the news in our living room I want to say, "What an insane lunatic psycho!" But I just kind of calm down and figure if they knew me they'd probably say "We may throw babies off bridges but you with the assloads of toy robots-you're fuckin' crazy!"

So I'm thinking of what specific weaknesses she could exploit involving presents I haven't opened and that's when I remembered the 12 inch tall Star Wars Biker Scout doll and ridiculously huge Speeder Bike toy it came with that she bought me back in August of 2000. It's literally the biggest argument she could have made that I'm a dork for getting mad about unopened presents since I've been sitting on that one for over seven years. But holy fuck it's a doll riding a bike. Maybe eight years ago when I was 25 playing with big gay Star Wars dolls would have been cool, but in my twenties all sorts of stupid shit seemed cool like volunteering to be put in sleeper holds or writing blogs pretending to be a Ninja Turtle.

I knew I needed proof that I opened the 12 inch Biker Scout but what I wanted was subtle knowledge of its workings instead of blatant, in-your-face proof like using it as a dinner table centerpiece all of a sudden. So I opened it and I figured out that the bike had a rolled up tan poncho attached to it that could be taken off and put on the figure. This was huge because removable tan poncho is the sort of carnal Biker Scout knowledge you could only have if you opened the damn thing and played dress up with it like the doll that it is. Now if she hit me with, "Well what about that Scouter Bike Barbie I got you seven years ago?" I could say, "Oh, that one with the cute little tan poncho that detaches from the rear of the bike?" in the most nonchalant sort of way as if that were a small detail I barely remember from a long time ago just like our anniversary I keep forgetting.

Secure in my knowledge that I could win any possible challenge and that I was totally in the right, after dinner last night I asked her, "Why don't you ever listen to the Eagles CD I got you? It's been lying on top of the CD holder for months!" Then she turned to me as if I were a puppy that pooped on itself and said, "I ripped that to my work computer the day after you gave it to me and I listen to it everyday!" And I said, "PONCHO! IT COMES OFF! HE CAN WEAR IT!"


Anonymous said...

It comes with a ponch??? That's awesome! Now I wish i had one.

Heavyarms said...

Biker Scout doll??? Man, that's almost as ghey as having a collection of Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes.

(Which I have.)

Heavyarms said...

Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes 12-inch dolls, I should say.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

No, Richard, Ponch is Erik Estrada from CHiPs. What comes fastened to the speeder bike is a ponchO. Although putting Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada on speeder bikes would be a really great idea, I don't think Hasbro will be expanding the Star Wars universe that much.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.