Monday, January 14, 2008

The childhood play patterns of future porn stars OR: I never got the chance to find out if playing with She-Ra figures would have made me gay

Nala at Plastic Crack argues that toy robots fans need to admit that they've been playing with Barbies all along-just because their Barbies turn into cars and planes and whatever doesn't change anything. He's right but I think that Barbies on some level teach about interacting with other people, or at least interacting with hot plastic girls who dress up like slutty princesses. What behaviors did the Transformers exhibit between each other that I could adopt in my own relationships? Mostly that conflict is best resolved with a Walther P-38, plus using disguises helps.

I don't remember any scene in any toy robot cartoon, comic book, video game or movie where one robot told the other one "I love you" or "I could really use a blow job right now". Did Bumblebee ever go back to the Ark all beat up and have even one other Autobot ask him how he was feeling? Nope. It was always, "Man you really got your ass kicked, Bumblebee! Now tell us where the Decepticons are so we can go kill those fuckers!" Transformers was mostly about beating up people littler than you and ganging up with your friends to make ass kicking convoys. Holy crap I guess I feel better now that I realize all of my emotional dysfunction is because of watching and reading too much homicidal robots. I should be happy I'm not a serial killer.

I was reading an interview with some porn star lady and she said that many women in the porn industry grew up playing with Barbies in a way unique to future porn stars. Where normal girls would stage pretend Barbie weddings, future porn star girls would stage pretend Barbie orgies. Barbie orgies! Hell by this criteria every little girl I knew in fourth grade went on to be a future porn star. If I'd have known this vital information I would have put up will all those bullshit tea parties with stuffed animals and imaginary friends. Shouldn't they have outgrown Barbies by the time they got to thinking about orgies anyway? I guess they have to figure out some way of practicing for the big day. Every time I was in an orgy I always felt unprepared and now I know why. While everybody else was getting it on, I was in the corner playing with my Rodimus. No wonder I never got invited back!

I am reminded of a lady from Tucson I met once at a toy show in 2003. She wasn't a Barbie orgy organizing porn star, she was a seller of old toy robots. She told me that her two sons had a mutual love of Transformers, but while one also displayed a liking for G.I. Joe, the other was more interested in his sister's She-Ra toys. Between the She-Ras and other behaviors, she suspected he was gay since early childhood and eventually that's how he grew up. Yeah you could jump to the conclusion that playing with She-Ra is a good indicator of future homosexuality in young males, but seeing a little boy pretend that Beast Man was humping Prince Adam's butt would probably do the trick, too.

I wonder if there is indeed a link between early childhood play patterns and sexuality. Now that I have a son, what conclusions can I make about him based on his favorite toys? I have on occasion joked about how a kid with a toy robots obsession is probably gay, but I've found that all it really means is he'll most likely be a virgin for a very long time. I don't think it's necessarily an indication of heterosexuality or even any sexuality if a little boy likes Optimus Prime. From my own experience, toy robot infatuation means the kid will probably have difficulty relating on a human level with anything that doesn't have a hard drive. It stands to reason that even if a little boy plays Barbie orgies, at least he's mimicking intrapersonal relationships between human beings. If a boy identifies strongest with asexual toy robots, then even if he's straight, my advice to his parents is don't expect grandkids anytime within the next thirty years. That's about how long it'll take for him to finally hook up with some burnt out, used up porn star he can play Barbie/robot orgy with.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Loved your essay.

When I was a kid, I looked up Barbie's dress looking for her vagina. There was, of course, no vagina there, but I still imagined.

Anonymous said...

I had a friend that tried to help me build up courgae to talk to girls by having me practice using our G.I.Joe figures. I would be Falcon or Backblast or Hammercrotch and he would be Covergirl, Jinx, or Crimson Slut. It didn't help and now I feel weird for sharing that.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Yeah Richard it may feel awkward to share but I'm sure there are thousands of kids out there who did the same thing. I was going to write that a line like G.I. Joe with at least some females in major roles is great for little boys to play with because it allows for scenarios like you described. The concept of relating to women is not totally alien within the world of G.I. Joe. It lets kids explore those kinds of intrapersonal relationships in the privacy of their own imaginations.

It's almost scary to think that millions of little boys like me became fixated exclusively on homicidal asexual robots. Yeah they had Carly in the cartoon but did she ever get a figure? Did any G1 female character, human or robot, ever get a figure? Nope.

You know how one of the main arguments against homeschooling is the lack of social interaction kids get? I think being a hardcore fan of toy robots yields the same results. Or if a person is a sociopath, they're most likely to identify with robots as a kid.

naladahc said...

Should I be a TF fandom ass and say "Well Minerva did!"???

:-)

Robot Dolls. I haz them.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

There's nothing assy about it, really. From a japanese perspective that's an entirely legitimate point. Minerva was a very effeminate, loving character in the japanese cartoon and toyline. I think she even cried when the Decepticons stepped on that one kid's puppy. But even then it's only because of her human headmaster partner that she's got any emotions at all. So the lesson there is that women will try to take over your thinking if you let them get in your head. Wasn't Hydra a woman or was it Buster? Regardless, I never knew about those japanese toys when I was a kid in the states.

In the US the closest we got to a nurturing, caring presence was Ratchet the robot doctor, and he bitched all the time about how often the other Carbies got beat up. Any communication between the robots was always about relaying tactical information or expressing anger and not talking about each other's feelings. Did Prime care how the Dinobots felt about being deactivated? Nope. No wonder Grimlock was pissed off at him! They never acted with regard for each others feelings, which is why it's hard for me to empathize with any of them or swallow the whole line about them being feeling, emotional living robots.

I think I remember Soundwave petting Ravage once. Maybe that counts.

Weasel said...

From my own experience, toy robot infatuation means the kid will probably have difficulty relating on a human level with anything that doesn't have a hard drive.

Well, that explains why I don't mind working with the self-checkouts so much. (I actually talk to the damn things..... and I've given them names. They're Decepticon names but they're names nonetheless.)

I think I remember Soundwave petting Ravage once. Maybe that counts.

Oh yeah, I remember that. But I think you may have forgotten a little episode called "Attack of the Autobots": Optimus Prime actually hugged Bumblebee in that ep. As in, he pulled Bumblebee into his arms. It's a surprisingly sweet scene IMO and helped make that ep my fave hands down. So yeah, the Autobots could be affectionate at times, just not constantly. (Leave it to me to dig up proof of Autobot love!)

Evil King Macrocranios said...

I never quite understood those people that named their cars or household appliances. I thought only Pee-Wee Herman did that. I think that sort of behavior is very Snow White-you know, talking to birds and stuff.

It never occurred to me that cash registers would get that kind of attention. This too could be a side effect of intense Transformers cartoon analysis. I shall make it one of the commandments in the gospel of Cullen that I'm writing-Love your cash register as Optimus loved Bumblebee.

Anonymous said...

"I never quite understood those people that named their cars or household appliances. I thought only Pee-Wee Herman did that."

I feel the same way.

Regarding the Autobots, I remember them sometimes sacrificing missions to save each other. That's emotion, right?

 

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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.