My life is (Jet)fire and ice

Today I woke up to a South Dakotan snowstorm. I waited until we had about 1/4 mile visibility before going out to check the mail because I wanted to feel like I was back in Antarctica again, if even just for a moment. But holy crap the blowing snow and hellacious wind here was more intense than ten Antarcticas. The forty meters between my house and the mailbox were so hellaciously windy and cold that all my thermal underwear and jackets didn't even make a difference. I may as well have been out there in my bathrobe. Plus I was having post traumatic stress flashbacks of my time on the ice when I got chased by penguins. In Antarctica, not all the ice is stable so when you're walking on it you have to stay between the bamboo flagposts that have been setup or else you'll fall into crevasses and die. I had become so accustomed to the Antarctic way of using flags to guide me that I got disoriented. Crazy thoughts entered my head and for half a second it seemed totally possible that I may be the first guy in South Dakota to fall into a crevasse on the way to check his mail. I disregarded this notion as ridiculous, but I could not totally eliminate the possibility of a Wampa attack.

JC Penney 14 December 1984

I don't think people take me seriously when I tell them that Dakota del Sur can be just as bad or even worse than Antarctica. It's just one of those things that I know from experience and can't expect anyone else to understand. It's funny how people are so sold on their own preconceived notions of what the truth must be that it's pointless trying to change their minds. It's exactly like how I know for a fact that the Transformers Jetfire and Shockwave came out in 1984, but the toy robots historians on the Wikipedia will tell you those toys came out in '85. Although there's tons of evidence beyond just old newspaper ads, nobody's quite put two and two together. I feel like I am the sole keeper of this one arcane truth about toy robots. This is the Transformers Roswell and I am its Fox Mulder, except a selfish Fox Mulder that doesn't want anyone to know what he found out so he kind of keeps that X-File way in the back, like in the Z's.

Should I even try to edit Wikipedia with the knowledge of 1984 Jetfires? Hell no. Excuse me for being an ignorant old man but I think it is important to safeguard this information from the computers because it may very well all that's keeping Wikipedia from achieving full blown sentience. Beyond Wikipedia, is it worth trying to correct every other Thoroughly Informative Transformers Themed Internet Entertainment Site out there? Hell no again. I can't imagine how much of a struggle it would be trying to do battle with the Transfan Illuminati who run those sites. I say the internet deserves whatever version of the past it sloppily writes for itself and I can live knowing I'm right. Screw the modern open source history that's written not by those who know the truth, but by those with the most HTML skills and highest Google page rank.

So when I finally got to the mailbox in the snow I was thinking that my relationship with the wiki Transformers historians mirrors the time when Luke Skywalker was telling R2-D2 that Dagobah existed but R2 didn't believe him. Luke is all, "Yes, Artoo, I know the Dagobah system doesn't appear on any of our navigational charts. But don't worry. It's there." You'd think the droid would have instant access to all the most up to date information in the galaxy, much like Wikipedia. But even a droid doesn't have all the Star Charts and that's where I'll be, right at the limits of R2-D2's knowledge, dancing on the tip of that vibrator looking thing that he's constantly sticking into the Millenium Falcon. And the day may come when I will need Wikipedia to hold my lightsaber for me as I attack the Jabba Sail Barge with my knowledge of 20 year old newspaper ads, but until then Wikipedia can just serve the internet drinks with that stupid looking tray on its head as the C-3P0 wiki article contributors bump into him awkwardly. If you know what I mean.