Monday, June 04, 2007

In church during the wafer part I would pray that Optimus Prime would break through the walls like Kool Aid man and run over the nuns

When I was in Catholic school in seventh grade I had a religion teacher who tried to have a sort of enlightened, unified field theory style take on the origins of creation and the nature of existence. He incorporated the Bible with evolutionary theory so that he believed man indeed evolved from apes and once evolved, that first man was who was not ape was who God called Adam. So in other words he was totally batshit crazy.

In class one day he revealed that pretty much all religions were right because Catholic God was really in disguise as Bhudda and all those other main dudes. Essentially he said the deity stories were all the same across all religions about one super great guy that dies saving the world and then he comes back. And the kicker is that he appears differently to the different people of earth. Kind of like how Galactus appears differently depending on who's looking at him. The major difference being that God wasn't mad and hungry all the time and trying to eat the Zen Laas.

So at thirteen years old I became enlightened master of theology thanks to this insider information imparted to me by my crazy ass religion teacher. As he kept talking in class that day, my mind shut down and I started mulling over how God was really a shape changing being that appeared differently to all men and was like a happy Galactus, fighting for good and returning from the dead. So I wondered, who in my life was a shape changing being fighting for good that died and came back? Then it hit me-God was Optimus Prime. He met all the criteria plus the Transformers cartoon originally came out on Sunday morning.


Regardless, last Saturday was a holy day of obligation for Transformers fans because the first few waves of new movie toys got released officially. All the major retailers were breaking out the fancy new signage and loading up the shelves with movie merchandise. I pulled a Linus and I missed out because I didn't go to see the Great Pumpkin in the guise of plastic robots rise from the pumpkin patches of toy shelves like a devout Transformer worshipper should. I also missed the MTV movie awards where they had lots of clips from the movie. This is how I know toy robots is my religion. I dedicate as much effort to Transformers as I put into going to church every Sunday, which is none.


Heavyarms said...

Shame on you. I packed my son off to the local Target on June 2 to check out the new plastic...and left without buying one single thing. I just wasn't impressed enough with any of them, planning on seeing the movie before deciding which of these figures I want. Only Starscream and robo-vision OP slightly tempted me (and I think OP only did so because he's 30 bucks as opposed 45 like the Leader-class figure.)

Evil King Macrocranios said...

OMG are we lame. I didn't even like the Real Queer figures that everyone else is hailing as the second coming of Microman.

I've become so apathetic towards this stuff that it was my wife who bought the Robot Heroes for the baby. She thought they were cute. I agree but how much of a misfit am I when the only thing in an ocean of new toy robots merchandise that even remotely appeals to me are super cute cuddly bots?

Rob said...

This overload of new Transformers movie toys reminds me of when Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace came out in 1999. Grown adults waited in line at midnight to buy shopping carts full of the new toys. A few months later, the remaining stock ended up in bargain bins.

I am declaring Speed Dial 800 and Zoom Out 25x the dumbest names for a Transformer ever. Spy Shot 6 is the runner-up. By the way, are they real digital cameras and mobile phones or is "Real Gear" actually fake?

The super-deformed G1 "Robot Heroes" line is cool and I almost bought a few, but then I realized they'd end up sitting in my closet with my old G1 Transformers, so I decided to save my money instead.

Do you have any thoughts about the Optimus Prime Voice Changer helmet?

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Real Gear is fake.

I think Hasbro was brilliant to make the Optimus Prime voice changer helmet big enough to fit adults. I will be waiting patiently for more of this inspired wackiness.

Heavyarms said...

I do need to amend my earlier statement, becuase I DID actually consider how much trouble I'd get in if I spent 40 bucks on the complete set of Robot Heroes figures. I decided it wouldn't be worth it. Better to wait and slip them in under the radar one at a time.

My thoughts on the OP Voice Changer son, my six year old, enthralled with anything Transformers, excited about the movie even though it is directed by Michael Bay, argues with me til he's blue in the face that Optimus Prime is WAAAAY cooler than Megatron ever even thought about being, that tells me about the Transformer commercial he saw on TV when I get home from son, when shown the voice changer helmet simply replied "Lame." Yeah, I think so.

naladahc said...

You need Optimash Prime.

All will be well with Optimash Prime.

Rob said...

Evil King, those Optimus Prime helmet pictures are hilarious. I'm curious how long before someone posts a video on wearing it. I'm also curious to hear how well the voice changer works.

Naladahc, you reminded me...I forgot to mention the Optimus Prime Mr. Potato Head:

Optimash Prime on

Optimash Prime on


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.