Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Cybertronian Double Standard OR: MY KINGDOM FOR SOME SELF CONTROL!

hERE IN the Kingdom of Macrocrania there are only three places left where I can get Alternators at retail: the base exchange at Ellsworth, and Wal-Mart and ShopKo in Rapid City. Right now the remaining Alternators on the store shelves I don't have yet are Ricochet, Rollbar and Skids. In other words, the three most asseriffic figures in the entire Alternators line. So I've decided to just wait until they go on clearance. And even then the only one I would consider buying is Skids. My plan was just to buy one of each Alternator Autobot mold and I think Skids is the last unique Alternators Autobot mold I don't have. But really I think he'd make a cool looking SUV for my Evil King Macrocranios action figure.

Every time I go into town I hit ShopKo, which is the only store around here that clearances anything. So far they've had two markdowns and they've cut the Alternators down to $16 and change. They used to be $25 there so $16 is actually pretty good. Well the other day I was doing my usual toy robot looking when I found there were new Stars War figures freshly stocked. Usually I am the last guy on the scene whenever new Star Wars hit the shelves anywhere here in Rapid but nobody shops at ShopKo so I wasn't surprised. ShopKo in Rapid City seems to be a store solely supported by employees using their discounts judging by how empty it is all the time.

Star Wars has continually been one of those attention sinks that distracts me from my goal of building my Transformers toy robot army. Star Wars robots are all pretty horrible looking, with some so awful they look good (IG-88). But damn those Stormtrooper figures are such a tease. If I didn't know they weren't robots I would be buying Clone Troopers up the butt. They look so robotty good on the outside! But they're not robots. To me watching Episode III was like watching transsexual space robot porn. I'd get all into it but then the moment they'd take off their helmets it was like seeing a beautiful woman with a 12 inch dong. I'd be thinking, PUT THAT HELMET BACK ON, COMMANDER CODY! YOUR FLESHY HEAD IS KILLING MY WEINERTRON!

So I was at ShopNo and they had the sexy new 30th anniversary Ralph McQuarrie Signature Series Stormtrooper action figures, which are recolors of the Ralph McQuarrie Stormtrooper figures that came out in 2003 but this time they have a little plastic coin so they're better. Plus they have a lightsaber. Can you imagine how much ass a robot with a lightsaber could kick? Optimus Prime found out back in '86 (OR WAS It THE YEAR 2005?). This Stormtrooper is actually the first in a special subset of figures based entirely on McQuarrie concept art. McQuarrie gets so many props for designing these prototype character concepts that I wonder if the guy who designed the actual stuff they used in the movie gets pissed off. I'll bet everytime the actual Stormtrooper designer guy goes into the toy aisle to buy Star Wars stuff for his grandson he sees all the 30th anniversary McQuarrie Stormtroopers and he yells FUUUUUUCK! And then he gets all pissed off and buys his grandson some firecrackers.

So hot damn I went and bought the 2 McQuarrie Stormtroopers. So much for being focused on toy robots from Cybertron. It doesn't help that 2 Star Warses cost about as much as a clearance Alternator. What I SHOULD have done is stay focused and got Alternators Skids, but I caved. I succumbed to the sexy exciting 30 anniversary Star Wars hype that is all the rage among grown men buying toys meant for children. The last time I got sucked into buying crap I didn't want because of online hype was when those vintage He-Man reissue figures came out. I bought the vintage Man-At-Arms and two other vintage horrible ones and promptly returned them once I came to my senses a couple days later. The Kay-Bee employee thought I was crazy trading in those three He-Mans for a big plush electronic Winnie the Pooh but hot damn he was 36 inches tall and he talked and I know what I like.

So probably what's going to happen is I am going back to ShopKo, returning the Stormtroopers and getting that horrible Alternators Skids. I'm not doing this because I don't like the Stormtroopers, I'm doing it because I would have liked a complete set of McQuarrie figures. Doing that is complicated though, because to get them all you have to go to Star Wars conventions in different places all over the world, one of which I think is in an AlQueda hideout in the mountains of Syria. Screw that. If I can't have all the McQuarries I'll have none. This is all rather odd because I don't have a complete set of anything Transformers except Throttlebots so it's not like I'll have all the Alternators once I buy Skids. Besides, there's a store in Rapid that still has the super articulated VTSC Biker Scout and I really want that one.

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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.