A lot of times I wonder what it must be like to be someone whose time is truly valuable-a person whose life has real worth in the overall scheme of things and who is significantly impacting the course of human history with each breath they take. People like the leaders of countries, heads of state, European heavy metal musicians and the scientists who keep inventing bigger and bigger televisions. These are the people whose seconds of life are worth many times what hours or days of my life are worth. Then there are people whose contributions to mankind I don't quite value as much, like dinosaur archeologists. Dinosaurs are nice and all but there is no discovery a paleontologist could make that has any practical application in my life short of discovering a really cool new animal that Hasbro could make into a toy robot*. This leads me to the following conclusion:
YOUR LIFE'S WORTH CAN BE MEASURED BY HOW MUCH OF A WASTE OF YOUR TIME IT IS WRITING ABOUT GOBOTS
GoBots Robots Robots Robot Fun Fun!I am worried about the possibility that I may do something that makes me of worth to humanity because then my time will be too valuable to spend writing about GoBots. I wonder where that line is-what is the exact weight of a man's importance that tips the scales of his time's value so that he can no longer afford to blog about toy robots from 25 years ago. Let's say a guy who currently blogs in a deeply meaningful, distinguished and wonderful way like Roger Ebert was also a big GoBots fan. I swear right now Roger Ebert is not at all concerned with spending his last moments writing about GoBots because after his lifetime of great accomplishments what remaining time he has is too valuable to waste on such trivial pursuits. But the relative worth of GoBots blogging becomes more meaningful when it's something I do because my time is not as valuable as Roger Ebert's. So when I wake up and say "Hey, I think I'll write 900 words about GoBots today", it's not as damaging to the net intellectual output of humanity as it would be if Roger Ebert decided the same thing. This is why I hope to never have the burden of being a productive individual making any meaningful contributions to mankind, and also why if I ever do get a real job I will make sure it is in paleontology.
G=Fme2: HOW TO CALCULATE IF BLOGGING ABOUT GOBOTS IS A QUALITY EXPENDITURE OF YOUR TIME (AND ALSO THE RESULTANT NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF SAID BLOGGING TO THE COLLECTIVE IQ OF ALL MANKIND)
So instead of doing as I promised myself I would and devoting a good chunk of time to updating the GoBots section of the Vintage Space Toaster Palace instead I goofed off all last week, watching old Japanese robot cartoons, reading Transformer comic books and coming up with what I call "The Theory of Gobotivity". It is my unified field theory of toy robots blogging and its directly proportional relationship to my wasted, wasted life. Simply put the equation is G=Fme2, where 'F' is defined as how much dumber the world will be after you blog about GoBots (measured in the number of lolcats and retweets your inane 900 word ramblings will inspire); 'me' is the value to humanity (measured in happy laughing children) of the pathetically small collection of miserable little accomplishments you call your life; and the solution for 'G' is either a yes or no in answer to the question of whether or not you should write about GoBots and/or if paleontology is the career for you. My next theorem will attempt to establish a conversion factor for turning units of Roger Ebert time into the lesser time value currency that is my life so that I may figure out how much longer I need to spend watching old Japanese robot cartoons and reading Transformer comic books so that I may one day write a deeply meaningful, distinguished and wonderful blog post about GoBots, or failing that-dinosaurs.
NEXT TIME ON GOBOTASTIC WASTEOFTIMEALYPSE: GoBots Robots Robots Robot Fun Fun!
*I'll bet the only reason paleontology even exists at all is because Hasbro underwrites that entire branch of study so paleontologists can discover dinosaurs that would make some awesome new Dinobots.