Monday, November 30, 2009
To stop me you have to catch me influenza OR: It's hard to stay preoccupied with 1985 when you're dying in 2009
The last three weeks have been incredibly miserable and I am just now feeling better after coming down with some sort of hellacious lung catastrophe that was either the flu or divine lung-based karmic retribution for all the terrible things I've ever said about the online Voltron fandom or that one thing I wrote about Incredible Change-Bots one time. My lungs and gut felt like they were 30 pound garbage bags loaded with broken shards of mirror. Then with sudden explosive force, various toxic vapors and shard debris would escape from my body from different orifices simultaneously, giving new meaning to the term 'glass gas'. During the few minutes I wasn't coughing or farting to death my lungs were so congested my voice sounded like Megatron ate a volcano or Doctor Claw had a baby with Godzilla. Being able to talk like a Predator with lung cancer was pretty cool and it got me wondering if Frank Welker is really talented or if he's just built a career by having the world's longest and most profitable respiratory infection.
I HAD AN OUT-OF-HOBBY EXPERIENCE
Perhaps the worst side effect of my latest bout with super Naganosis was on my attitude. Everything I previously liked doing or found joy in seemed especially pointless. It made me feel like one of those guys who think writing internet diaries about toy robots from 25 years ago is a big waste of time (aka a normal, well-adjusted, emotionally mature person). I would sit down at the computer to write something and I just couldn't get in that frame of mind where old toy robots newspaper ads were interesting or something somebody said about Tranzor-Z would piss me off. It sucked because there have been some legitimately amazing things happening in the field of toy robots archaeology recently that I'd normally be writing dissertations on and I couldn't care enough to blog about any of it. This happens whenever I get sick. I get glimpses into what it's like to live in a world where old toy robots provide no distraction or comfort. Knowing that being sick may have cured my robotardation I went to Wal-Mart to see if I would be tempted to buy the Revenge of the Fallen movie shortly after it came out, which is what all the cool neurotypicals were doing about three weeks ago. I remember feeling insignificant in the presence of the super shiny Wal-Mart exclusive IMAX edition Revenge of the Fallen 2 disc BluRay (which incredibly cost only 20 bucks) and boy was I tempted. Yet despite my sickness-induced mainstream frame of mind (and the shiny box) I didn't get it, so I guess that means I still don't get it. It reminded me of how the American Lung Association's slogan is "When you can't breathe nothing else matters" except I was thinking we should all be grateful because when you can't breathe Michael Bay blows for you.
WORDS FROM D. WISE OR: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER(GLIDE WITH A $10 GIFT CERTIFICATE)
During the last three weeks of lung hell (that I have self-diagnosed as most likely pneumonia, swine flu, a respiratory infection or maybe even a combination of all three) I chose not to see the doctor, instead relying on the alternative therapies of eating countless bowls of Frosted Flakes and downloading lots and lots of podcasts. Suffering through the physical part was miserable but losing interest in everything I enjoyed doing was most worrisome so I listened to those podcasts like they were an IV force feeding me intravenous injections of toy robots pointlessness to keep my fandom alive. When I get sick my attitude is the first thing to go but thankfully when I get better it's the first thing to come back. Last night I was at Wal-Mart again and I saw another one of their tempting toy robot related exclusives, a gigantic version of Powerglide the Transformer on the shelf and I picked it up and walked around the store with it as I marveled at how amazing it looked. Back in '85 this guy was tiny but now he's all gigantic with lights and sounds and the box is so so shiny. I'd just finished listening to a podcast that had a great interview with David Wise, the guy who wrote the G1 cartoon episode "The Girl who Loved Powerglide". So the red A-10 guy was on my mind and I would've really liked to have bought it because I'm "The Guy who Loved Powerglide as Long as He didn't Cost a Lot". Of course I put it back because 30 bucks and 25 years later is too much too late*, but realizing I was interested in anything robot at all gave me a good feeling about my recovery. The end result of these last two trips to Wal-Mart may seem the same but they're not. The difference between the sick me being a disinterested Geewunner closet robot hater douchebag not buying new toy robots stuff and the healthy me being a disinterested Geewunner closet robot hater douchebag not buying new toy robots stuff is that when I'm healthy I feel like telling the internet how much of a douchebag I am.
NEXT TIME ON DISINTERESTED ROBOPLASTIC DOUCHEBAGALYPSE: A return to discussion about the medicinal benefits of toy robots and cereals from 25 years ago that did not come in shiny boxes but may or may not have had mascots voiced by Frank Welker's profitable lung infection.
* also because everytime I buy something at Wal-Mart I can usually find a better deal for it online at Wal-Mart