Tuesday, March 04, 2008

DIAGNOSIS: NAGANO-SIS

I have spent the last two weeks being the sickest I have ever been in my life outside of hospitalization, also the most sexy. Now that I'm getting better my doctor still isn't sure what it was I came down with, but that's because he's a moron. He figured I was somewhere between a mild sore throat and full blown meningitis and apparently his years of doctor training dictate that anything in that range can be cured with Robitussin. After my first visit the Robitussin wasn't working at all so I went back and all he did was prescribe me Robitussin with codeine. It became obvious that I wasn't going to doctor appointments, I was going to Robitussin commercials. When the stronger stuff didn't work I just stopped going back to him since I didn't want to go through the whole Robitussin product line. So I disregarded conventional medicine and I prescribed myself an alternative therapy regiment of Ninja Warrior marathons and reading Fight Club all night. It may not have directly contributed to my wellness, but it got me feeling so manly I felt like I could fuck a Gundam.

Being so thoroughly sick for such a long time was total hell. The intense soreness turned my throat into raw bloody hamburger and the constant violent coughing kept me up all night. I am positive that during all of last week I slept a total of five hours but I'm not sure. After each cough my abs felt sore like I had just done 1,000 consecutive push ups and the coughs just kept coming. It felt like karmic punishment was being reigned upon me for some incredibly evil past life I lived. If that's the case I must have been worse than Darth Vader and Gargamel all combined because I felt like I was being punished for the deaths of everyone on Alderran and for eating all the Smurfs. It is also possible that I only had a slight sore throat and all this suffering was actually side effects from the Robitussin. Regardless, the pain and dehydration was somewhat worth it because in one week I lost eight pounds and the definition in my abdominal area was getting fantastic. Now I'm 5'9" and 149 lbs and I haven't looked this good since high school.

I know I was reading Fight Club too much because I suspected that my stronger abs and sudden vast knowledge of Japanese fishing vessels was the result of a secret double life I was leading during the ten or fifteen minutes I would black out. Was I dreaming that I was Makoto Nagano, captain of the 28th Konpira Maru and winner of Ninja Warrior, OR WAS MAKOTO NAGANO MY TYLER DURDEN? I decided to call this "Naganosis"-the condition where I'm so delirious I'm unsure if I'm Makoto Nagano. I was so high on Robitussin that my mind considered the possibility that during the few hours I was sleeping last week I was really entering Ninja Warrior tournaments in Japan and spending 350 days out at sea. I was worried for a second but then I realized that it's impossible for me to be Makoto Nagano because he's 5'3". I don't usually have daydreams where I lose six inches-it's always the other way around (if you know what I mean).

I'm just glad it's all over so that I can get back to bloggering, which is pretty pointless now that all my audience is gone because I haven't written anything in two weeks. Actually one good thing that came from my sickness is that my attitude about my lack of success in life is more positive. I accept that I'll never be as famous as that guy who wrote Fight Club and my writing will never inspire disenfranchised people to form a large underground network of independently operating terror cells, but that's okay. I am totally accepting of the fact that bloggering is a complete waste of my time and I am destined to wallow in anonymity and obscurity. It also makes it easier knowing that I've stockpiled all that unused Robitussin just in case I need to escape back into a heavily sedated state of Naganosis.

10 comments:

Nightowl said...

you where missed i think . I know i stopped by atleast 3 times which is good since ive been playing astro empires the slowest real time stragedy game ever . Not good when the doctors dont know what ya have . good luck in codeine dazed futures .

VICEGRIPX said...

I stopped by every day to see if new, chewy Stevey goodness could be found on the intertron. I wasn't sure what to think. Did you move on? Was something wrong? Did wild Gobots crawl into your rectum and eat you from the inside out? I was going to email you after work today to see if you were all right. Now, I know. And you know what they say about knowing? I'm glad you're back and feeling better.

puppylove said...

i am glad you are better! i had a lung infection that had me coughing and waking myself up out of sleep for about 2 weeks. i went on antbiotics, though. not robitussin.... and i watched hours of terrible tv.

i did check in quite a few times to see what other totally hilarous things might be awaiting me, and today i was rewarded with your post!

LOL :D

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Thanks, Nightowl. I wonder if the Astro Empire designers had a meeting where one guy said, "You know, MMOs are not slow enough. There's a huge market out there just waiting to play the slowest MMO ever. IT IS WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT!"

I was really mad that the doctor was unsure about what to do. He wouldn't prescribe anitibiotics because he thought what I had might be viral in nature so I just had to tough it out. He didn't even look at my throat during the first visit!

Yeah Richard, I was dying from sleep deprivation but I was pretty excited about it because I figured I'd have lots of time to do blogging. But then something weird happened and I just stopped getting ideas. For whatever reason the well in my brain dried up. It was as if in addition to killing off germs, my fever was killing off my ideas. I couldn't think up a single thing worth writing about for almost two solid weeks.

At first I was mourning the lost blog productivity and worried that my blog audience would all go away because I was slacking, but after about the second day my attitude deteriorated so badly that I didn't give a crap. It was a weird feeling thinking that all my ideas had come and gone and I would probably never write anything good again and I didn't even care about what little audience I had. During the whole two weeks the only thing I wrote in my pad was "This must be how George Lucas feels every day."

My site stats were showing me that someone was still visiting every now and then using the Puppylove blog as a referrer. I thought that was really nice and I looked forward to thanking all you guys for still checking in on me electronically. Reading all you guys' blogs also helped me keep my mind off of how miserable I was feeling.

naladahc said...

You forced me to read "Moderately Schizo Jeeves".

Thankfully, you didn't go out and do what I did when I was sick last week.

Heavyarms said...

I checked daily. I figured you just finally got, like, a real life or somethin'. I was bummed.

Glad you're still alive.

M said...

orale, mighty king.

Rob said...

I stopped by almost every day to see if you posted anything new. I was this close to leaving a comment asking if you were okay.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Makoto Nagano is my favorite Ninja Warrior contestant ever. If you were him, that would be awesome.

Weasel said...

Glad you're feeling better. You had me worried there, man. (Def, too, though he's so much DA MANLY MAN or ROBOTIC BOT or somesuch bullshit, he'd never admit it. But he checked every day, so I know better.)

And Robitussin is the drink of the devil. But it's better than Vicks Formula 44-D. That shit is like turpentine. It fucking burns on the way down. So many wonderful memories of swallowing that crap.... :gag:

I consider it training for my quick stint on Ninja Warrior. I'll dress like Bumblebee and makes an ass out of myself.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Thanks everyone. It's nice to know people are checking in on PSMR for more than just naked pics of Megan Fox. Heavyarms, I promise I won't ever let anyone down by getting a real life. Writing poems about R2-D2 and Voltron will always come first. This I swear!

 

Minibox 3 Column Blogger Template by James William at 2600 Degrees

Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.