In my Zen contentedness I want for nothing (except multimillion dollar powerball jackpots) or: I NEVER KNEW I WAS BUYING SLURPEES FROM GALACTUS

The 35th annual IRONROBOHELLACON fell on Friday the 13th last week as it is sometimes known to do and we all had a great time here in the Kingdom. A couple days prior, the Queen of Macrocrania called from her current outpost in a galaxy far, far away to ask if any gifts or presents may make this year's convention extra special. I, feeling very enlightened in a way only Zen masters and Care Bears feel, said 'No, IRONROBOHELLACON is not about presents'. Then the rest of the conversation turned into me reciting a song by the Goo Goo Dolls about being content and complete, and since the Queen doesn't know who those guys are she wondered if I was singing Care Bears songs again. I honestly felt those feelings of contentedness, at least until I saw what the Powerball numbers were that week.



FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (OR AT LEAST TO THE LOAF'nJUG ON THE CORNER)

There was a comic book once about how all of existence joined together in the hope that it could destroy one single being of immense power, which is how I feel while driving with all these crazy people in downtown Rapid City. It was an issue of Secret Wars where Mephisto comes up with a plan to kill the Beyonder but it would only work if he assembled together all the magical beings of eternity and attacked in a certain place within a very specific timeframe. Mephisto is me planning to win the lotto by assembling the magical lottery numbers at the corner gas station before 8:00 pm. I don't have a problem with this metaphor making me the devil, but it is odd that the gas station clerk essentially becomes the living embodiment of all eternity. Plus she sells me hot dogs and gas. Once I dropped a Slurpee on the floor and the little ice balls spread out in a spiral like the Milky Way galaxy.

THERE IS NO GIFT AS GREAT AS LOVE BUT 35 MILLION DOLLARS WOULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY SWEET, TOO

This isn't going to be one of those "If I only had played my birthdate and age I would have won the lottery on my birthday" stories. Honestly, if I picked numbers based on my birthday and age in the way I usually do I would have only won 3 bucks last week. But there is a sort of cosmic synchronicity in the balls that did drop (3, 7, 13, 34, 47, 30) and I've been thinking about it ever since. The 3 and 13 correspond to March 13th and I was 34 last week. 47 is the last two digits of the year I was born, but backwards. I had never thought of playing that variant of 74 and since the form numbers don't go up to 74 I usually just play 7 and 4. 47 makes infinitely more sense. Now I know. DUH! The last number 30 would have been impossible for me to guess. There is some comfort in knowing even if I had played my usual 1,3,4,7,13,34 I would have only won three bucks. But then the second guessing and self doubting and what iffing come into play and I think things like-If I had only bought my regular numbers 300,000 times I would be a millionaire!

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GOT, IT'S WHAT YOU...GET FOR IRONROBOHELLACON

That was the last lotto drawing before IRONROBOHELLACON 35 and when I went to the Powerball website I realized that my chance to kill the Beyonder that is my horrible, terrible future was past. Losing was a blessing of sorts because now I can stop fearing the horrible, terrible future and start living it. I understand that I will never again be that cosmically close to infinite wealth and ever since I accepted that, the true contentedness has begun settling in. And if I learned anything from all this, it's that true contentedness sucks. When my wife called again later on in the week I asked her if it was too late to get me anything. And she said "But I thought you were a Zen master who wanted for nothing! Plus it's too late to get anything shipped to you in time!" And I said, "I should have been more careful what I wanted for nothing for, because I got it. PLEASE TELL ME IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO ORDER ME A ROBOT TYRANNOSAURUS!"