Friday, March 21, 2008

Heroic Ultra Magnus didn't have a birthday because Jesus never went to Cybertron (this is also why heroic Ultra Magnus is going to burn in hell)

When I was a kid I used to count down the 100 days until Christmas. Every year from around '86-'89 I would make a big calendar from 22 by 28 inch posterboard and tape it to my wall above my bed. Whenever I got a toy or a comic book during that period I would write it in on my calendar. That third of the year was special to me more than any other time because it held the beginning of the new Saturday morning cartoon season, Halloween and Christmas. If somebody put 12 year old me in charge of calendaring the world, there would only be 100 days in a year and New Year's Day would be September 15th. I guess to my childhood self the passage of time was only worth noting if it involved cartoons, candy and toy robots.

I think my intention was to track on my calendar the 'birthdays' of my toys and comics as I got them. I never actually had birthday parties for my Transformers but for some reason it was important to me to mark the exact day that they entered my life. I may have been influenced by an episode of the Transformers from 1986 where the little kid tries to figure out the birthday of one of the Autobots, the heroic Ultra Mangus. After nearly getting killed when he goes searching for the robot birthday computer, he ends up looking stupid at the end of the episode when the Autobots tell him they don't keep track of that stuff. And I think everybody starts laughing at him.

This being leap year I hear a lot of those heartwarming human interest stories about people born on February 29. I am a little confused about whether or not these 40 year old people are laughing about how they're really only ten years old or if they're crying because they got fucked out of 36 birthdays.

Having a birthday at all is a luxury. I remember hearing of a Bosnian guy who didn't know his birthday. At first I thought it was shocking but when you think about it there are lots of parts in the world where buying a new Hooters calendar ranks far below other priorities like surviving long enough to see tomorrow. Instead of being a manic depressive birthdate obsessed leap year weirdo, lots of birthdayless people are just happy to be alive. Some sperms never even hit the egg! Imagine how they feel, whiny leap year baby bastards!

I think birthdays should be totally abolished and forgotten, just as they are on Cybertron. No cakes, no reminiscing, no reflecting on the past or getting presents or any of that. All that stuff should be done every single minute of every day. I was thinking about how any given specific day from the calendar-any birthday-happens over and over throughout eternity regardless of whether or not we are still alive. Think of the calendar month and day you were born-your birthday. There will be infinite repetitions of that day well after you are dead. In fact, there will be more repeated occurrences of your birthday throughout infinity than the total number of days you were actually alive on earth!

I think just celebrating life on that one day and living out the other 364 days in a zombie trance is forgetting that our real purpose while we're alive is to get down to the business of being the best heroic Ultra Magnus we can be constantly all the time. To some that means working hard to help improve the human condition, for others it means watching cartoons and buying assloads of toy robots. For me it meant redirecting the misplaced sentimentality I wasted observing birthdays or the 100 days until Christmas or Halloween or Christmas and focusing instead on the true purpose of my life-preparing for the coming of Galvatron.


Weasel said...

Honestly, I'm at the age where I completely forget that I even have a birthday every year. I mean, I know I have one but I don't really do much on it. I used to go out with my friends and have a decent lunch, but now.... meh. (I kinda lost my taste for that sort of thing; I won't go into the details. It's a depressing story.)

The closest thing to a birthday or Christmas is BotCon. Sad, no?

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Yes they all suck after about the thirteenth one. I like the idea of making Botcon your birthday celebration. Don't some president's birthdays get "observed" on a different day than the actual day they were born? There's George Washington's birthday, then there's George Washington's birthday "observed" like a few days in another direction. If timeshifting birthday observance works for him why can't Botcon be your birthday "observed"?

I don't call it "birthday" anymore anyways. I call it IRONROBOHELLACON.

naladahc said...

So. I can't tell for certain.

Was March 21 your birthday or not?

Or is my brain damaged?

Evil King Macrocranios said...

No it wasn't, it was the week before.

I can't really diagnose brain damage based on reading comprehension, but I'm sure if your brain wasn't right THERE WOULD BE SIGNS.

Heavyarms said...

HEY! That's not funny! I just got my Revoltech Asuka figure in the mail and...


Evil King Macrocranios said...

Congratulations on your purchase, Mr. Dolly McHeavydoll!


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