Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Introducing the "F'n-A" toy grading service / obsessive compulsive hoarding disorder treatment program

When I'm not waging unending war with my energy analyzer against my accursed enemies the Dire Wraiths, I'm trying to figure out how to get rich quick. And what better way is there to do that than to take advantage of the fear and loathing in the hearts of grown men who buy toys. I was thinking about how toy robots collectors love showing their collections to their peers, but at the same time they hate buying stuff from each other. This is mostly because the buyer really has to trust that the seller is truthfully describing the condition of the item. If only there was a way to capitalize on both the distrust and the sense of fellowship that toy collectors feel amongst their colleagues. If only I could proclaim myself the final word-the authority-on varying degrees of decomposition exhibited by plastic Darth Vader heads. If only people would pay me to tell them that their totally bald Mr. T doll is in horribly shitty condition. I'd be rich!

But somebody beat me to it! Lately the new hotness in toy collecting is sending off little plastic people to get graded by the Action Figure Authorities. These guys will rate the condition of your super rare figures you got at Wal-Mart on a scale of 1-100 and then seal them in a plastic box and send them back to you. They charge anywhere from $18 to $350 for the service which might seem like a bit much, but holy hell an AFA graded figure pulls shitloads more money than the same figure not graded. It may seem weird, but some people won't spend $700 on a 1985 Snake-Eyes when they could spend $3,000 for an AFA graded one.

There is a feeling of prestige and pride in knowing your super rare Taco Bell exclusive transforming lawn gnome is AFA certified gem mint. But what about the rest of us with shitty toys in shitty shape? I already know my toys are crappy. I don't need to spend $20 for some guy to tell me my collection sucks. I just need some sort of justification for the bizarre collection of broken robots and their equally trashed boxes I keep that doesn't involve diagnosing me with obsessive compulsive hoarding disorder. If only there was a way!

There's a huge market out there that the AFA guys are totally overlooking-it's people who can't throw broken shit away. That's why I created "F'n-A" shitty toys grading service! Of course there are collectors with pristine robot Volkswagens in flawless boxes but I ain't running no toy robot museum here. Why doesn't anybody recognize the love it takes to store and preserve enormous collections of totally wretched, abused, crappy condition robots? THAT'S WHAT I SAY! And therein lies my authority. I've kept the same beat up Insecticon Bombshell with broken antenna, faded stickers, missing leg bits and thrashed ass box for the last 22 years! I've got a Jetfire that's so yellowed it looks like it's made out of fuckin' gold. That's obsessive compulsive insanity dedication and pride on a scale that anyone with an AFA 90 Megatron bottle of anal lube will never know!

It's an F'n-A 25!
Here's how it works. People email me a picture of their broken ass stuff or hell, just call me on the phone and describe it. This ain't rocket science here. I'll use a scale with ratings from "Almost shitty" and "Barely shitty" to "Fuckin' Shitty" condition. You might ask, what's the difference between "Barely shitty" and "Almost shitty"? WELL DON'T! THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE PAYING ME FOR! Everybody starts off with 100 points, then I take points away based on certain alogarmythical criterias depending on how much you paid me and how I'm feeling that day. At the end of this incredibly scientific process the amount of points you have left determines your toy's F'n-A grade:

76-100 Almost shitty
50-75 Barely shitty
21-50 Certainly shitty
12-20 Definitely shitty

Ideally people would only submit photos and descriptions of the brokenest roboplasticos on the planet. But I guess I could grade sealed boxes if they're sufficiently thrashed and the boxes look like hell. So far I have come up with two grades for sealed stuff:

MiB - Maybe it's Broken
MiSB - Mint in Shitty Box

Instead of sealing your stuff in an impenetrable plastic box like a time capsule testament to your psychopathic priorities, I'll send you a book of matches and some lighter fluid so you can set your stuff ablaze in a big bonfire by the beach like you should have done a long time ago. Then you can bask in the warm glow of burning cardboard and breathe in big lungfulls of melting plastic fumes-it is the feel and smell of freedom you can only know once you've killed your robots collection. Congratulations! Take pride in knowing you have banished the last vestiges of your consumption disorder like I banish those Dire Wraith bastards to limbo. F'n-A!


Anonymous said...

So where does that leave the folks, like me, that have a ton of robo-plasticos in great shape, but they're out of the boxes? AFA won't touch them and they're not shitty, so I'm feeling left out. Where do I go to get my average toys graded? Where? WHERE?!?!?!

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Maybe you could start VAGS-Vicegrip's Average Grading Service. You could apply the strictest standards in grading mediocrity and proclaim, "At VAGS, we're mighty tight!"

naladahc said...

Female Dire Wraiths or male Dire Wraiths?

It is important.

Rook said...

Rom is my favorite

Heavyarms said...

I've got a matching Kickback box to go with that Bombshell box. I'm going to post it over at Addicted to Plastic this weekend, will you grade it for me? I think it might even be F'n Shitty!

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Nala-all of them, even the younglings.

Rook-Mantlo's writing on early Rom was incredible. I've been reading interviews with him in old issues of Marvel Age and it's heartbreaking to read his thoughts on comics, writing, his kids and going to school to be a lawyer. Such a brilliant guy cut down in his prime.

Heavyarms-Oh heck yeah but it better be really bad if you want an "F".

Weasel said...

Def says he's going to send you a pic of his Headmaster Hosehead toy, but maybe I'll save both of you the trouble.

It's one of his headguns.

Actually, it's HALF of one of his headguns.

That's it.

There's very old dirt on it, too.

So....FnA 98, at least.

Rob said...

I've read discussions on message boards about starting a video game grading service. These people weren't being silly, either.

Maybe I should start a fast food grading service. People could send me pictures of their uneaten Big Macs from 1985, mint in Styrofoam container.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.