But somebody beat me to it! Lately the new hotness in toy collecting is sending off little plastic people to get graded by the Action Figure Authorities. These guys will rate the condition of your super rare figures you got at Wal-Mart on a scale of 1-100 and then seal them in a plastic box and send them back to you. They charge anywhere from $18 to $350 for the service which might seem like a bit much, but holy hell an AFA graded figure pulls shitloads more money than the same figure not graded. It may seem weird, but some people won't spend $700 on a 1985 Snake-Eyes when they could spend $3,000 for an AFA graded one.
There is a feeling of prestige and pride in knowing your super rare Taco Bell exclusive transforming lawn gnome is AFA certified gem mint. But what about the rest of us with shitty toys in shitty shape? I already know my toys are crappy. I don't need to spend $20 for some guy to tell me my collection sucks. I just need some sort of justification for the bizarre collection of broken robots and their equally trashed boxes I keep that doesn't involve diagnosing me with obsessive compulsive hoarding disorder. If only there was a way!
There's a huge market out there that the AFA guys are totally overlooking-it's people who can't throw broken shit away. That's why I created "F'n-A" shitty toys grading service! Of course there are collectors with pristine robot Volkswagens in flawless boxes but I ain't running no toy robot museum here. Why doesn't anybody recognize the love it takes to store and preserve enormous collections of totally wretched, abused, crappy condition robots? THAT'S WHAT I SAY! And therein lies my authority. I've kept the same beat up Insecticon Bombshell with broken antenna, faded stickers, missing leg bits and thrashed ass box for the last 22 years! I've got a Jetfire that's so yellowed it looks like it's made out of fuckin' gold. That's
It's an F'n-A 25!
76-100 Almost shitty
50-75 Barely shitty
21-50 Certainly shitty
12-20 Definitely shitty
1-10 FUCKIN' SHITTY!
Ideally people would only submit photos and descriptions of the brokenest roboplasticos on the planet. But I guess I could grade sealed boxes if they're sufficiently thrashed and the boxes look like hell. So far I have come up with two grades for sealed stuff:
MiB - Maybe it's Broken
MiSB - Mint in Shitty Box
Instead of sealing your stuff in an impenetrable plastic box like a time capsule testament to your psychopathic priorities, I'll send you a book of matches and some lighter fluid so you can set your stuff ablaze in a big bonfire by the beach like you should have done a long time ago. Then you can bask in the warm glow of burning cardboard and breathe in big lungfulls of melting plastic fumes-it is the feel and smell of freedom you can only know once you've killed your robots collection. Congratulations! Take pride in knowing you have banished the last vestiges of your consumption disorder like I banish those Dire Wraith bastards to limbo. F'n-A!