The childhood play patterns of future porn stars OR: I never got the chance to find out if playing with She-Ra figures would have made me gay

Nala at Plastic Crack argues that toy robots fans need to admit that they've been playing with Barbies all along-just because their Barbies turn into cars and planes and whatever doesn't change anything. He's right but I think that Barbies on some level teach about interacting with other people, or at least interacting with hot plastic girls who dress up like slutty princesses. What behaviors did the Transformers exhibit between each other that I could adopt in my own relationships? Mostly that conflict is best resolved with a Walther P-38, plus using disguises helps.

I don't remember any scene in any toy robot cartoon, comic book, video game or movie where one robot told the other one "I love you" or "I could really use a blow job right now". Did Bumblebee ever go back to the Ark all beat up and have even one other Autobot ask him how he was feeling? Nope. It was always, "Man you really got your ass kicked, Bumblebee! Now tell us where the Decepticons are so we can go kill those fuckers!" Transformers was mostly about beating up people littler than you and ganging up with your friends to make ass kicking convoys. Holy crap I guess I feel better now that I realize all of my emotional dysfunction is because of watching and reading too much homicidal robots. I should be happy I'm not a serial killer.

I was reading an interview with some porn star lady and she said that many women in the porn industry grew up playing with Barbies in a way unique to future porn stars. Where normal girls would stage pretend Barbie weddings, future porn star girls would stage pretend Barbie orgies. Barbie orgies! Hell by this criteria every little girl I knew in fourth grade went on to be a future porn star. If I'd have known this vital information I would have put up will all those bullshit tea parties with stuffed animals and imaginary friends. Shouldn't they have outgrown Barbies by the time they got to thinking about orgies anyway? I guess they have to figure out some way of practicing for the big day. Every time I was in an orgy I always felt unprepared and now I know why. While everybody else was getting it on, I was in the corner playing with my Rodimus. No wonder I never got invited back!

I am reminded of a lady from Tucson I met once at a toy show in 2003. She wasn't a Barbie orgy organizing porn star, she was a seller of old toy robots. She told me that her two sons had a mutual love of Transformers, but while one also displayed a liking for G.I. Joe, the other was more interested in his sister's She-Ra toys. Between the She-Ras and other behaviors, she suspected he was gay since early childhood and eventually that's how he grew up. Yeah you could jump to the conclusion that playing with She-Ra is a good indicator of future homosexuality in young males, but seeing a little boy pretend that Beast Man was humping Prince Adam's butt would probably do the trick, too.

I wonder if there is indeed a link between early childhood play patterns and sexuality. Now that I have a son, what conclusions can I make about him based on his favorite toys? I have on occasion joked about how a kid with a toy robots obsession is probably gay, but I've found that all it really means is he'll most likely be a virgin for a very long time. I don't think it's necessarily an indication of heterosexuality or even any sexuality if a little boy likes Optimus Prime. From my own experience, toy robot infatuation means the kid will probably have difficulty relating on a human level with anything that doesn't have a hard drive. It stands to reason that even if a little boy plays Barbie orgies, at least he's mimicking intrapersonal relationships between human beings. If a boy identifies strongest with asexual toy robots, then even if he's straight, my advice to his parents is don't expect grandkids anytime within the next thirty years. That's about how long it'll take for him to finally hook up with some burnt out, used up porn star he can play Barbie/robot orgy with.