Monday, October 29, 2007

The subtle incorporation of phallic imagery in X-Wings and Variable Fighters OR: Mecha design with an emphasis on cocks

All my life I wondered if it was intentional that the X-Wing fighters from Star Wars look like flying dildos with wings. Nobody in my family ever brought that up at dinner in my house when I was growing up. We just didn't talk about it, but I'm pretty sure it was obvious to everyone that Luke Skywalker was piloting a big flying space dong when he shot his load of proton torpedoes into the Death Star. Lucas has admitted he used mythological motifs in the writing of his stories, allowing him to appeal to people's innate sense of what a good story is. I wonder if with the X-Wing's design he tried to appeal to people's innate sense of what a big flying cock is.

One thing I noticed is that on the most phallic Star Wars spaceship toys there's pictures of proton torpedoes furiously firing off and lots of little text on the box reminding me that the toy (my surrogate penis) needs hand support. Do Star Wars toys encourage masturbation? All I know is I like putting my proton torpedo in a pose that requires hand support just as much as the next guy.

A lot of other Star Wars spacecraft go in wild exciting directions with their designs, like the innovative Slave-1 that's based on an elephant head or the Millenium Falcon that's really a hamburger. When I think about all the possible shapes that a futuristic flying craft could be, I think of flying wings like the B2 bomber (which is flown by the US Air Force) and saucer shaped UFOs (which are flown by Chupacabras). The point is that there's a lot of ideas out there and if you're trying to come up with concepts of what fighter aircraft of the future will look like you don't automatically have to settle on some variant of the giant, tube shaped wiener with wings that everybody thinks about when they think about planes. So why did the X-Wing, the rock star fighter craft of the Star Wars galaxy, have to look like a schlong? And why years later did anime mecha designer Shoji Kawamori also choose flying space dildo looking fighter craft in the Macross japanimation? I'll tell you why-because all men regardless of sexual orientation love looking at giant erect penises. I'll tell you why later.

What I especially love about Kawamori is that the Macross planes by themselves aren't penisy enough for him so he also designs attachable armor in various phallic shapes for extra penis power. If you've seen a super VF-1 or any VF-0 with ghost boosters you know what I mean. It's ridiculous but also fantastic in a way that only men can understand, just as only a man can truly appreciate the concept of a "variable fighter". If the nose and fuselage of the plane (the most phallic parts) are taken to represent a penis then the three transformation modes of the Macross Valkyrie can be taken to represent the various stages of male sexual arousal. You have the battroid (or robot) mode where the nose is pointing down (representing flacidity), the gerwalk mode wherein the nose is partially angled outward (a "soft-on") and then the fighter mode that represents a fully erect penis with the nose aggressively pointing forward and going all fast.

Here's a secret I'll let everyone in on about male sexuality: lesbian porn really isn't all that hot. The vast majority of straight guys love porn with gigantic hard badoinkers in it, and by extension, so do gay dudes. It's because guys like to live vicariously through the porn star guys on the screen. It helps the fantasy that I'm nailing the hot porn star girl if there's a surrogate wiener up there on the screen I can pretend is mine. George Lucas and Shoji Kawamori knew this. They understood this. Furthermore, they guessed that every guy's ultimate fantasy is if they could strap wings loaded with bombs and lasers to their cock and have it save the universe. And they were right.


naladahc said...

You should use this post as the basis for an entire panel presentation you should present at San Diego Comic Con.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Unfortunately, Comic Con is attended by people who would cut off my balls for making fun of Star Wars. Also, for using the word "badoinkers".

Heavyarms said...

I was going to give you kudos for your intuitive obeservation...but then I realized that this was just a ploy to mention your damn Yamato Macross Zero VF-0S with Ghost Booster again, ya showoff.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Ha ha! Maybe if you weren't building a Boba Fett army you would have one by now.

Anonymous said...

It only occurred to me that the "Star Wars" X-wing fighter craft resembled a penis just a few months ago (man, am I SLOW on the uptake!!). They're not called "X" wings for nothing!! Perhaps the "Star Wars" movie should have had an X-rated certificate, huh??

Evil King Macrocranios said...

I am both proud and a little disturbed that PSMR is the sixth most popular Google result for people who search "X-wing fighter looks like penis".


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.