Pondering the imponderable mysteries like the anthropological worth of toy robot collections and should I renew my website hosting

When I was eleven years old in '85 I thought the Transformers from 1984 and 1985 would always be in the stores. Then in '86 as all the old guys disappeared from the shelves I realized this wasn't the case. I felt like I missed out forever and this feeling was a strong motivation for me to start hitting the garage sales and flea markets while other teenagers were busy hitting other stuff. I was a self-appointed teenage Noah of the roboplasticos, trying to save the toy robots from extinction so that I could one day repopulate the world with my collection of Dinobots.


I WAS NOAH WITH A HALF BUILT ARK AND THE INTERNET WAS A PERSONAL WATERCRAFT SALESMAN HOOKING EVERYBODY UP

Then in my early twenties the internet came along and I saw a lot of other guys were just as batshit crazy as me. At first there were websites with text lists of people's collections and later there would come colossal photo archives. How un-special I felt at discovering were lots of toy robot Noahs (even Japanese ones) and it turned out they all had bigger Arks than me. I felt humbled at having been so thoroughly bested in my goal of creating an Indiana Jones warehouse of toy robots, but also very relieved because it meant I didn't have to keep thinking my Gears was the last surviving example of that toy in all the world and I had failed humanity because he was all fucked up and missing an arm.

IT'LL BE LIKE STAR TREK IV EXCEPT THE ALIENS ARE SPACE TOASTERS

Thanks to the internet the impending roboplastic apocalypse that I was building an Ark full of toy robots for was averted. I was pretty sure we were covered if hostile reptilians from outer space came to destroy earth unless we could show them the entire Transformers product line from 1984 through 1990 still in the box (and with examples of Japanese packaging). So I turned my attention to a separate and somewhat scholarly, yet still incredibly robotarded pursuit-that of collecting old toy robots newspaper ads. I figured I could still carve out a niche. Even if I couldn't be the roboplastic Noah maybe I could be the guy selling flood insurance after the waters subsided. I SENSED THERE WOULD BE A MARKET.

TRANSFORMS FROM ROBOT ARCHAEOLOGIST TO TURD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE INTERNET (BUT NOT BACK)

But it just dawned on me last night that as technology advances it is almost guaranteed that all libraries will eventually digitize their microfilm archives and make them freely available on the internet. It's inevitable. All this running around I do to different cities in search of new* toy robots newspaper ads is another epic waste of time and effort on a scale of biblical proportions. One day we will all have access to centuries of digitized newspaper archives that will make my Vintage Toaster Space Palace look more like a not-so-vintage space toaster porta potty. Thanks to the internet I went from being the Noah of toy robots fandom to the flood insurance salesman of toy robots fandom to finally the porta potty janitor of toy robots fandom.

YOU GOTTA KEEP WIPING IN THE END

The internet needs to see this now!

I'm better off realizing all of this now instead of later. It's not going to stop me from doing the old ads thing and I'm not going to stop paying my webhosting bill anytime soon just because library websites will one day kill the only sense of self worth I derived from my pointless hobby. Ultimately everything in life is pointless but we still keep wiping our butts. This isn't one of those things we do because it makes us happy. I know one day my obsolete Vintage Toaster Palace Toaster Space website will be nothing more than a broken link to content that disappeared off some server a long time ago. But until that day, the world needs its toy robots ads porta potty emptied now and I don't see the roboplastic internet Noahs rushing to do this job. YOU'RE WELCOME, VOLTRON FANS!

*twenty five year old

Introducing the Robotarded way of choosing your next vacation destination OR: Chromes and gleams are music to my eyes

I'm not doing too good when it comes to finding other internetters that will help me out with my vacation planning. Before Botcon '08, I searched blogs and boards and every other social network style site I could find in the hopes that somebody in Cincinnati would tell me about good independent music stores before I got there. Instead of wasting time searching for CD shops myself I wanted to waste time doing what I was really in Cincinnati for-to find old toy robots ads on the library microfilm machines. Everyone I emailed didn't write me back, though. Why do people list their contact information on their message board profiles if they don't want to be contacted about their interests and experiences, and more importantly, help me out? I know if some guy I never met before who calls himself Evil King Macrocranios emailed me looking for stores that sell Helloween CDs in my neighborhood I would be wanting to email him back immediately. (Either that or I'd be wanting to erase all my personal information from the internet immediately.)

I'M NOT WITH THE ROBOTARDED OLYMPICS COMMITTEE, I AM THE ROBOTARDED OLYMPICS COMMITTEE

This October I've got an opportunity to squeeze in one last city on Vintage Space Toast Tour 2008. I have it narrowed down to either Denver, Colorado, Sioux Falls, South Dakota or Omaha, Nebraska. For most people choosing a vacation this would be a no-brainer because Denver is a sexy exciting place, but the reason for my visit has nothing to do with vacation, sex or excitement. This is all about getting more material for the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. Old toy robots newspaper ads is serious business. This is like the Olympic committe choosing the next city except criteria like tourist attractions or friendliness of the natives doesn't matter to me-the only thing that matters is how many Children's Palaces they used to have and when did they get their first Lionel Playworld.

YOUTH (AND CHEAP GAS) IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG (TOY ROBOTS FAN)

My travel plans almost went down the crapper when I saw some Japanese guy is auctioning off his chrome Soundwave with a starting bid of 60,000 yen-that's around 600 dollars America money. Chrome Soundwave is another one of those roboplasticos fantásticos of dubious origin that's so shiny I think to myself, "Yeah, my wife and son wouldn't mind eating Ramen Noodles for three months". Coincidentally, 60,000 yen in America money is about how much I'll need for the last stop on Vintage Space Toast Tour 2008. There's no question now that I'd rather hit the road than bid on the robo, but if this were the 1990s and I was in my twenties I would probably have gotten in a ridiculous bidding war and paid crazy money for the chance to stay home every weekend with chrome Soundwave. Which is stupid because if this was the nineties and I was in my twenties, gas would still be 89 cents a gallon. I look at all the toy robots I bought when I was in my twenties and cry because in my youth I could have traveled and experienced so many things with that money. Also, strippers.

CHROME SOUNDWAVE PROVIDES A REFLECTION OF WHO YOU ARE

I am not trying to diss chrome Soundwave or justify to myself the reasons I won't be getting it. Chrome Soundwave is truly a fantastic piece of great value to toy robots anthropologists everywhere but my priorities have changed over the years. I look at this toy and I see where my priorities are now and how much I've changed and it's pretty crazy. I used to eat this stuff up! What trips me out is not that I'm passing on this, but that I'm okay I'm passing on this and I'm excited about spending time in a library instead of buying another robot. It's like I was once one kind of person and now I'm another kind of person. Is there a name for this process?

I'M NOT MATURING, I'M TRADING ONE CRAZY TOY ROBOTS OBSESSION FOR ANOTHER

Although I expected to be totally ignored, I emailed some internet people in Denver, Sioux Falls and Omaha and the Denver guy got back to me! Holy hell the internet actually works. He said he thinks he remembers Playworld being open in Denver around 1983. He may as well have been Kaycee Kangaroo checking my luggage and handing me my boarding pass because those were the magic words. I think that's gonna do it unless I can get confirmation that Sioux Falls or Omaha had both Playworld and Children's Palaces in the early 80s. Wherever I go, I know that when I'm in the library getting dizzy from the microfilms I'll be thinking about chrome Soundwave. And if I won chrome Soundwave I'd be thinking about the library I could be getting dizzy at. And if I paid strippers $600 to dress up in aluminum foil Soundwave costumes I'd be thinking about, well I'd be thinking about something else.

(Sky)Raiders of the Lost (green) Ark

I've been doing some research for my "25 years ago in Transfromers" series and I came across a pretty decent copy of the very first Transformers commercial ever aired. So I YouTubed it because unbelievably I could not find it anywhere. (Or more believably, I could not figure out the right search terms to find it in the first place. THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.)

This commerical is significant because it uses character models and animation color schemes that were not used in the cartoon. The Ark and Decepticon spaceship are totally different from what was used in the cartoon, Megatron has a black helmet and a different fusion canon, the jets have black faces. There are more differences. I think that the comic cover at the end is even different from the comic that eventually came out. In addition to the Autobot and Decepticon sigils in the upper left corner, it looks like Jazz is shown flying by Optimus Prime's leg instead of Gears as in the published version of the comic. You too would be able to see these things clearly if the uploaded version didn't have so much pixelization or image blocking or whatever they call it when you look at YouTube videos that look like crap.

THE YOU IS ALWAYS GREENER IN THE OTHER TUBE

The YouTube quality is so atrocious that instead of making me a big internet hero I expect this video will instead be a source of ridicule and embarrassment. Kind of like my whole experience with toy robots in the first place. I hate that horrid audio lag every video I upload to YouTube always ends up with. Why does everyone else have such pretty YouTubes and mine are so awful? I'm trying to figure out where I can upload the original because it looks very pretty compared to the YouTube version, but what can you do? What gets me is if I am going to jail for uploading copyrighted stuff to YouTube I at least wish it would look great.

25 Years Ago in Transfromers PART ONE: Happy Birthday, Robot Formerly Known as Battle Convoy

I was listening to a anime podcast last year and as the guy was talking about all the great panels he went to at Otaky-con (or whatever they call their big get together), he mentioned a panel called "25 years ago in Anime". I can't find anything on the internet revealing what exactly was discussed during that panel but I really liked the concept. I was thinking it would be really cool to do a series of blog posts discussing the history of the early Transformers toys and what it was like to be a kid back then. And then I thought, well hell, that's what I'm always doing anyways so how is that any different from the robotarded crap I usually write about. Then I realized that instead of rambling all unfocusedly as I usually do, what I had in mind was a well researched, well written retrospective series of articles focusing on the origins of Transformers and the era during which they were released, written chronologically on the anniversary of important milestones in the history of the toyline. But then I just laughed and thought, "Yeah right, like that's really gonna happen".

INTRODUCING A NEW SERIES-TALES OF THE ROBOTARDED

Because in the end I'm just a guy that doesn't know much about the toy robots I had when I was a kid and my collection isn't all that great. I have little robo-credibility. The only pre-Transformer toy robot I have is a Microchange minicar that my friend Maz gave me at Botcon. There was even that time at Botcon when I told a dealer I was interested in buying his Soundwave bop bag and as I was pointing to it he looked at me and went, "Um, that's an Optimus Prime bop bag". Duh. I'm easily the most unqualified person in the Transformer fandom to be writing about any of this stuff. SO HERE IT GOES ANYWAYS.

DEEP DOWN WE ARE ONLY A YEAR LATE TO THIS PARTY

Even though I don't know anything, I thank Zeus I have friends that do. The same guy who gave me that Microchange minicar also runs a site called TF-1.com. It's one of the best old school Transformer information resources ever written. On there he has an article about the release dates of the Japanese toys that eventually became the Transformers. That article is why we can be talking about 25 years ago in Transformers in 2008, which is 24 years after they were released. It was back in late 1982 that Japanese toy company Takara began the Car Robots subset of their Diaclone toyline. You can see in the article that the first trickle of toys that would eventually be Transformers were already released in Japan by now, or at least by now 25 years ago.

A LONG, LONG STACKS AGO

By July of 1983 a lot of classic molds had been released in the Diaclone line. The toys that would eventually be known as the Transformers Sunstreaker, Ironhide, Ratchet, Trailbreaker, Skids, Bluestreak, Inferno, Smokescreen, Hoist, Hound, Prowl and Jazz were already out. Of course they didn't call them that in Diaclone-they used the car models as the toy names. But we're all Amerikuhns here so I gotta use the names we know. Then in August of 1983, 25 years ago this month, Diaclone introduced the Ligier JS11 F-1, the New Countach LP500S and a semi truck they named Battle Convoy. These were the toys that in Transformers would become Mirage, Sideswipe and Optimus Prime.

DUDE, BATTLE CONVOY, DUDE!

For this first entry in "25 Years Ago in Transfromers" I would like to say happy 25th birthday to the toy robot that would eventually be known as Peter Cullen's meal ticket. It is somewhat fitting to me that the 25th anniversary toyline kicks off this holiday season with the reissue of Optimus Prime. I still have mine in the same shape it was the day I first opened it. Remember me this Black Friday when that snotty guy in the Wal-Mart toy aisle tells you that Hasbro is retarded for reissuing a 25th anniversary Optimus Prime in 2008. I have taught you what you need to say.

Returno of Dia de los Dorky Costumes

One day last June I was in Anchorage, Alaska really trying to stick it to the public transportation system. The people that figure out how much to charge you to ride the bus know that the cost of a day pass is equal to how much you would have paid for a round trip to wherever you were going anyways. It never pays to get a day pass but the idea of unlimited rides appeals to everyone's sense of freedom, independence and sticking it to the man even though in practice it's the exact opposite. So I have to squeeze in a couple extra destinations that I never meant to go to just to get that added value out that they don't expect me to use. I was trying to bring the Alaskan mass transit system to its knees by going to Suncoast one last time to check on the availability of Voltron lion force DVD tins.

TEACH THEM EARLY THAT COSPLAY IS WRONG

As I was waiting by a telephone pole in some ridiculously remote part of town that I didn't really need to be at, two kids and their mom walked up to the bus stop to wait with me. I remember the boys were around eight or nine years old and the mom liked to smoke. At first I thought it was odd that one of the kids was carrying a plush Yoshi doll from that Super Marios video game but whatever. Upon further inspection it occurred to me that not only did he have a Yoshi doll, but he was dressed in blue overalls and a red shirt and his brother also had blue coveralls but he wore a green shirt and get this-he had a hat with an "L" on it. So not only did I have red Mario carrying a Yoshi and green Mario, but green Mario must have felt self-conscious because he was wearing a "loser" hat.

COBRA-A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION DETERMINED TO MAKE YOU WEAR THEIR PAJAMAS

Terrorist Pajamas-Mervyns 21 Oct 1985

This was all pretty strange to me because you've got these two kids dressed like they're ready to get attacked by turtles throwing hammers popping out from the bushes instead of being at a bus stop in the middle of June. When I was a kid we needed a reason to dress up like plumbers and terrorists, like if it was Halloween or bedtime. Now they just do it for no reason. When I was a kid if I liked something I would wear the t-shirt of it, but nowadays the kids have elaborate costumes with props and crap. Maybe we saved the dress up for Halloween because our costumes weren't that good. Then before we got on the bus the red Mario turned to me, pulled out a Sonic the Hedgehog doll from his pants and yelled, "I'M A FAN OF BOTH NINTENDO AND SEGA!" I had flashbacks to that scene in "The Fly" movie where Jeff Goldblum the horrible fly monster is trying to get Geena Davis to shoot him through the head with a shotgun.

Olympic fame is no different from my own now that I've been mentioned on the Voltron forums OR: I'm tired of my fame paying out in Voltron dollars

My mother-in-law has been watching the crap out of the Olympics and she knows that in high school I was the 1992 district 2-5A pommel horse champion, which is probably why she thinks that a) I like watching Olympics and b) I must be gay. She must suspect I am hiding something because whenever she calls to talk Olympic gymnastics with me I ask dumb questions like which country did she think had the best men's floor dance routines. Apparently it is not called "the floor dance". It's hard remembering the exact terminology when the last time I paid attention to this stuff was 25 years ago. But you know I can't exactly tell her the reason I'm missing the Olympics is because I spend all my free time working on my robotarded website of 25 year old toy ads and reading the Voltron message boards. My mother-in-law already knows I'm a dork but I try to conceal the magnitude of my idiocy by keeping my internet life hidden from her. I imagine this is how Spider-Man feels when he can't tell his prom date that the reason he stood her up was he was out fighting Skeletor or however that goes.

STOLEN WEBSITE PICTURES IS THE NEW GOLD MEDALS

I am not totally out of the Olympics loop and I do know that some guy has been winning a lot of medals. As I was washing the dishes I was thinking a lot about how this 23 year old Olympic level famous guy and I are a lot alike. I was reading about how he had a saying for when he'd practice swimming on those days he didn't want to be practicing. He called it "putting money in the bank". It's a metaphor for doing hard, laborious, seemingly thankless work now that will pay off in the future. This is much like how I feel when I'm working on the Vintage Space Toaster Palace putting up old toy robots newspaper ads. It may seem pointless and be a huge waste of my time now but I am sure it will have a huge payoff in the future. I'm almost sort of getting returns now-my site was recently mentioned on the Voltron message boards. Now that I think about it, being mentioned on the Voltron message boards isn't exactly the same as winning Olympic gold medals. It turns out I don't really have much in common with the famous Olympic guy (who I can't remember his name right now) at all. The hard work metaphor still sort of holds up I guess. Unfortunately I am only now realizing that Olympic swimmer guy banks at a different branch than I do.

HOW I AVOIDED THE BACKGROUND CHECK ON A POPULARITY LOAN APPLICATION AT VOLTRON BANK

I would like to think that deep down our fame isn't all that dissimilar. All fame is is being known by lots of people who you don't know. I don't know how many people read the Voltron message board but that thread the VSTP was mentioned in has over 75 views (half of which don't count because they are me). That still leaves around two dozen people who have seen my work. One of those guys was even trying to figure out how to contact me but was unsuccessful because I don't put my contact info on my webpages. This also makes me feel like Michael Phelps Olympics guy because like him I have attained a certain level of notoriety, except in my case nobody knows my name because I try to hide as much of my personal information from my fans as possible. This is in case I run into them at Voltron conventions. Yet another way that Michael Phelps, Olympic gold medalloid, is a better man than me. I am uncomfortable around people who would want to meet me based on my internetting. However, I take comfort in knowing that if we were to meet, Michael Phelps would be totally fucking terrified of me.

MY GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN TO ANYONE UNFAMILIAR WITH KRONOFORM ROBOT WATCHES

It doesn't bother me that Michael Phelps has more gold medals than I have monthly visitors to my website (half of which don't count because they are me). What bothers me is that his accomplishments are more easily appreciated by average people. I am sure that if Michael Phelps wanted to marry my wife, my mother-in-law would have no problems understanding why he's a great guy (although she would probably still think he must be gay). I don't think he's a Voltron fan so I don't worry about him stealing anything that matters to me besides my wife. At this point I don't know if I'd feel more threatened by a) Michael Phelps banging my wife or b) Michaels Phelps having a toy robots webpage that gets mad props on the Voltron message boards. I am not above learning from his example so I'm going to use his work ethic to make the Vintage Space Toaster Palace the toy robots website equivalent of whatever he did at the Olympic medalloid contests. I don't get how swimming a lot will help me make my website better but I'm willing to try it out. I think this is where his logic is flawed.

where can i buy tardation furture?

This was supposed to be the week that the second volume of Beast King GoLion (the series from which Voltron was created) came out on DVD. But damnit, I forgot to go to Best Buy Tuesday for the big holy day of robot lion obligation and I didn't get it the day it came out. Now I'm stuck on the sidelines reading the reviews of it from people on the offical Voltron message board forums. It doesn't bother me that everybody who paid attention and got it on the day of release is infinitely more Voltron than me. Hell, I'm used to it. When it comes to Voltron I am always missing out. Voltron is like going to college-everybody else did it so they have this wonderful shared experience but I'm uneducated brown trash so I don't know what the hell is going on when they're all talking about it. Buying GoLion DVDs is also like getting a degree because at my age doing either is pretty embarrassing.

Let me tell you, it gets old not being part of the in crowd and being looked down upon. Although I am a bit old, lately I've been putting some serious thought into improving myself and finally going back and getting a college degree Voltron. There's a new Voltron set coming out made by Toynami that I think I'm going to get. It's essentially the same figure as their ultra super rare $150 limited deluxe die cast masterpiece edition, except it's made out of all plastic parts and it's $100 cheaper. I see a few fans are berating this release as inferior because of its lack of die cast parts. Dare I say that from the pictures it even looks like Plasticpiece Voltron has less chrome than the Masterpiece version. I guess plastic parts and cheaper price makes this release the community college of Voltrons.

But it's not like $150 Masterpiece Voltron was without problems. A couple of people who paid all that money for the toy were rightfully upset that it had issues. Issues like flaking paint, floppy joints and balance problems. I'm thinking a lot of that is due to Masterpiece Voltron being a Robometallico. A plastic version wouldn't have to deal with paint and it'd probably be sturdier since it wouldn't be so heavy. Plus if I order Plasticpiece Voltron from Voltron.com I get the Voltron soundtrack free. It's all so tempting. Never having had a Voltron didn't bother me much before because I believe in the Tyler Durden principle-Never be Complete. When I heard him say that I just knew he could only be talking about toy robot lions. If I buy plastic Voltron am I betraying my Durdesque lifestyle? Maybe I can reconcile the conflict by displaying Voltron the way Tyler Durden would-with one arm missing. Tyler Durden's Voltron only has four lions.

So where do I go(lion) from here? My wife just called from Best Buy and the employee guy said they won't be getting the GoLion volume 2 in until August 26th. That gives me two weeks to decide whether or not a plastic Voltron will complete my life. It totally sucks knowing that all the other thirtysomethings with college degrees are watching their GoLion DVDs two weeks before me while flying their $150 metal Masterpiece Voltrons around the living room in their underwear. OH GOD WHY ARE THEY SO AWESOME AND I AM SUCH A LOSER?