It's the 32nd seal of the Roboplastic Apocalypse smacking you in the face like a kiss from a semi truck as we roll out to the Fort Lauderdale downtown library in this Gobackatron 1985thousand powered edition of the podcastalypse! Join the Nostrodomatron in a patriotic celebration of the nation's retail scene from the 80s as I crack open some fresh rolls of 1985, Washington D.C. style! Why do I love these old crappy scans of newspaper ads more than those full color department store catalogs on Flickr? Is a robosmorgasbord something you order at a scraplet cafeteria? Was Caldor a retail chain in the northeastern United States or somewhere on Eternia? Is there anything more patriotic than getting erections over old toy robots ads from 1985 Washington D.C. newspapers? Find out in this FOUR STORE AND 25+ YEARS AGO edition of the podcastalypse!
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THAT MY FUTURE SELF IS NOT ALREADY PAYPALLING ME LARGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ONLY PROVES THAT IN THE FUTURE I AM STILL TOO CHEAP TO PAY PAYPAL FEES
As the current presiding Nostrodomatron of this dimension I enjoy absolute dominion over space and time as long as that space is the second floor of the Fort Lauderdale library and the time is when I am looking at newspapers from 1985. Unfortunately my Gobackatron 1985thousand is only able to reveal blotchy monochrome glimpses into the world that was 26 years ago one newspaper page at a time. But like they say, it's the next best thing to being there and I'm cool with this being as close to real time travel as we'll ever get. I love doing it. However, if some smart guy does invent affordable time travel for ordinary schmukos like me and the day comes when the library is not the portal to the great Toy Robots Wars of the 1980s then I will not be sad that my golden age of staring at blotchy screens is over. In fact, if that day comes I have an idea that should make me just as rich as the guy who invented time travel, but with none of the hard work!
IT'S LIKE MY LITTLE PONIES PRINT ALL THE MONEY THESE DAYS
Kings 11/09/80
There is an inherent implausibility in real time travel and I don't just mean because it's physically impossible. When I think about time travel I think about the practicality of visiting wonderful events in human history like the sermon on the mound or the signing of the Declaration of Independence or the day after Thanksgiving sale at Richway in 1984. While it seems nice, I seriously doubt the average schmucko who thinks, "Man if I just had a time machine and 50 bucks I'd make a killing by going back to 1985 and buying buttloads of Starriors!" really understands what he's wishing for. The big problem here and the crux of my moneymaking scheme is that 1985 money looks way different from today money. If you took fifty 2010 dollars back in time and tried to spend them you'd be jailed under suspicion of counterfeiting, or worse, people would just laugh at you and think you're an idiot from some magical fairy land where money is all the colors of the rainbow with ten different fonts and magnets, lasers, holograms and all the other stuff they have on dollar bills these days. That's where my idea comes in.TIME TRAVELLING TO 1985 IS LIKE VISITING JAPAN (OR ANY OTHER PLACE US DOLLARS ARE WORTHLESS)
What I'm thinking of is a business that does currency conversion for time travelers so they have the correct amount of ancient money from the appropriate year. And here's the kicker-inflation has so devalued currency that money from 2010 is half as valuable as it was in 1985! So in order to go back in time and make that killing on GoBots, time travellers would not only have to pay me twice as much today money, but they'd have to pay my transchronological currency conversion commission on top of that! Once time travel takes off I'll be rich not only IN a year, but in ANY year!
Kings 11/30/80
AND WHILE YOU'RE BACK THEN, GET ME A NEWSPAPER
Kings Micronauts 1980 inflation tracker:
So as a convenience to time travelers I am including along with these ads some tables showing how much today money you'd need to exchange for yesterday money if you wanted to go to any of these stores that no longer exist and make a killing on old toy robots, the majority of which went on clearance and nobody bought anyways. (Transchronological currency conversion commission not included.)| If it cost this in 1980: | It would cost this today: |
|---|---|
| $4.99 | $13.03 |
| $6.99 | $18.25 |
| $15.99 | $41.75 |
| $19.99 | $52.20 |
Zayre 07 October 1984
CLEARANCE GETS THE DEADEYE OUT!
Alas, this Starriors smorgasbord was all casseroled in with other Tomy toys and the individual prices can't be ascertained. But it's still a great show with figures from every Starriors size class except the transfer ring two packs.
Richway 25 November 1984
I HAVE GIVEN YOU YOUR COORDINATES, TIME TRAVELERS
Richway Transformers 1984 inflation tracker:
Several podcastalypses ago I talked about how running an ad for Transformers in late '84 was a recipe for broken limbs, chaos and disaster. Well that's just how Richway rolled in '84 as they put out this awesome Transformers smorgasbord on the back page of their November 25th circular. Wanna get trampled by crazy bloodthirsty moms in '84? Get in the car, Marty, we're going to Richway! (I'm sure they also sold bandages and aspirin so put aside some 1984 money for that stuff, too.)| If it cost this in 1984: | It would cost this today: |
|---|---|
| $2.99 | $6.19 |
| $4.99 | $10.33 |
| $5.99 | $12.40 |
| $8.99 | $18.62 |
| $12.99 | $26.90 |
| $19.99 | $41.40 |
Bradlees 13 October 1985
AND YOU THOUGHT SPYGLASS AND VIEWFINDER WERE DUMB NAMES
Bradlees GoBots 1985 inflation tracker:
The GoBots camera makes its only ad appearance I've ever seen thanks to Bradlees! Quick, how many Deceptercons did it take to take a picture? Well it only took one GoBot if he had GoBots 110 film camera. It's kind of a shame they didn't give GoBots camera a more GoBotty name like Pic-Tor or Film Flam. Well at least they didn't go all Machine Robo and call it Camera Man.| If it cost this in 1985: | It would cost this today: |
|---|---|
| $3.49 | $6.98 |
| $4.97 | $9.93 |
| $8.88 | $17.75 |
| $14.88 | $29.74 |
| $15.88 | $31.74 |
| $16.97 | $33.92 |
| $19.97 | $39.92 |
Bradlees 13 October 1985
MONSTERS, WITCHES, COFFINS AND LIONS OH MY!
Bradlees Voltron 1985 inflation tracker:
Voltron was like robots vs. Halloween. The occult undertones of the original show are missing from its current incarnation. Seeing this Voltron smorgasbord makes me sad that a show and toyline like that will never happen again. Voltron bad guys were really demonic and each show was a robeast snuff film. It was great as a kid but I can understand why it may have driven some adults crazy. Have action figure coffins ever been marketed to children before or since Voltron? Can you imagine the uproar if Hasbro sold G.I. Joe body bag accessory packs?| If it cost this in 1985: | It would cost this today: |
|---|---|
| $2.97 | $5.94 |
| $4.97 | $9.93 |
| $6.49 | $12.97 |
| $7.97 | $15.93 |
Bradlees 8 December 1985
ALL IT NEEDS IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE AND SHREDDED WRAPPING PAPER
Bradlees Transformers 1985 inflation tracker:
Oh man, Transformers 1985. That was the Christmas when living rooms across America looked like this ad. At least for a few minutes anyways. After a few minutes, living rooms across America looked like a bunch of snapped in half robots with broken windshields and sad children. | If it cost this in 1985: | It would cost this today: |
|---|---|
| $4.88 | $9.75 |
| $7.88 | $15.75 |
| $8.88 | $17.75 |
| $9.88 | $19.75 |
| $10.88 | $21.75 |
| $11.88 | $23.75 |
| $19.88 | $39.74 |
| $39.88 | $79.72 |
Caldor 8 December 1985
ONLY THREE OTHERS SHARE THIS SECRET-OF FABULOUS SAVINGS!
Caldor Robotech 1985 inflation tracker:
Was Caldor Skeletor's lesser known brother that went into retail? Whoever he was, it fills me with great joy to see the SDF-1 actually in an ad instead of the store just using a line art representation of it. The blurb about Matchbox moving to outer space makes me think the Caldorian ad writer was unaware of that other Matchbox space robot, Voltron. But maybe Voltron didn't stick in people's minds as a Matchbox product the way GoBots are synonymous with Tonka or Starriors with Tomy because there were so many different licensees of that line.| If it cost this in 1985: | It would cost this today: |
|---|---|
| $3.99 | $7.98 |
| $9.99 | $19.97 |
| $29.99 | $59.95 |
Eckerd 08 November 1987
BUYING THEM AT A DRUG STORE SEEMS APPROPRIATE
Eckerd Transformers 1987 inflation tracker:
Eckerd's a little late to the robot party with this 1987 Transformer ad but any ad with Weirdwolf is okay by me. It's a strange little phenomenon but I've noticed that when a major toy fad hit, drug stores would heavily advertise knockoffs of the popular stuff during the height of popularity and then it would be a few years before they'd advertise the big name brands. So in '84/'85 I see a lot of ads for Convertors and bootleg GoBots in drug store ads then I see legitimate Transformers years later. Overall what tended to happen is the big chains would advertise stuff when it was hot then the lesser chains and discounters would have it in their ads years later. By the time you saw a once popular toy in a drug store ad the party was over. | If it cost this in 1987: | It would cost this today: |
|---|---|
| $2.88 | $5.45 |
| $3.67 | $6.95 |
| $8.88 | $16.81 |
| $12.47 | $23.61 |
SHOW NOTES OF THE PODCASTALYPSE
coming soon
2 comments:
Man, Zayre and Bradlees. That brings back some memories. Zayre is where I got Ultra Magnus and dirt cheap Robotech model kits when I didn't get them from Kay Bee.
I miss when there were department stores in Connecticut that were actual local chains and not Wal Mart/Target.
(PSST: Download link isn't working.)
You got me! Actually I'm still editing the audio. I didn't think anyone would notice that I put this up early on Saturday so I'm getting it out piece by piece. I should be done within an hour.
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