Monday, August 24, 2009

The Rocketfistoral College! (asking not what Godzilla can do for me, but what I can do for Godzilla)

There is a looming crisis on the American political horizon and it affects anyone like me who has ever written crappy Shogun Warriors blog entries on the internet. I first became aware of it as I was comparing my age with how old other people were when they accomplished great things like setting the record for winning money on Cash Cab or creating Star Wars or becoming President of the United States. Someone's already beat me to the first two but I just noticed our current president is 48 years old and the youngest (Roosevelt) was 42 when he took over. So it is very possible that within the next decade we will elect someone of my generation who grew up playing with Micronauts, Shogun Warriors, GoBots and/or Transformers. Hell, knowing my generation we might actually elect a Micronaut, Shogun Warrior, GoBot and/or Transformer. Even scarier is I fall into the age window and meet the minimum toy robots collection requirements necessary to become the future roboplastic president. I realize there are people with lots better roboplastic collections than me (and better grasp of English) but I think what it's going to come down to is how good a presidential candidate's toy robots blog is. I tell you this now-if I get beat out by some robotard who writes shitty blogs about Shogun Warriors then America gets what it deserves, but if I win I'm sending that dude and all his blog followers to Guantanamo.


A realize a president of the United States has a lot more serious stuff to worry about like health care reform, overthrowing the alien bases on the moon and building a fleet of spaceships so we can conquer the universe but I swear the first thing I'm taking on as president is really trying to sort out the history of the Shogun Warriors. Have you noticed what a mess online Shogun Warriors information is? Trying to find out even simple stuff like what year they first came out can yield different answers depending on the site visited. If you google for behind the scenes, investigative reporting style Shogun Warriors info it's actually very difficult. I think it's because in the decades after the Shogun Warriors toyline died its fans became fickle widowers, either forgetting it existed at all or elevating its faults and weaknesses to legendary extremes with their fuzzy memories. (Those who forgot it went on to become Star Wars fans, but instead of "fickle widowers" I'd call those guys cheap slutty fan whores.) So what I am currently doing is amassing a list of people on the internet who know what they're talking about when it comes to Shogun Warriors. It is a short list but when I am president those people will comprise my full cabinet of toy robots coaches. This is not unlike my collection, which is comprised of cabinets and couches full of toy robots.


I am entering a new era in my blogging where I want to be taken more seriously and not just because I might be appointed some future president's Secretary of Rocket Punching or whatever the joke was last paragraph. I have a post coming up where I'm going to be taking a hard look at some of these mysteries surrounding the Shogun Warriors line and I don't want dumb jokes and snark to ruin it. Shogun Warriors deserves better because so few people write about it that anything written carries lots of weight. My post needs to read like it was written by the Tom Brokaw of toy robots journalism. I am feeling a bit self conscious because I lack the credibility that comes from having a big collection-the entirety of my shrine to Shogun Warriors is one Godzilla and a three inch Dragun with a broken head spike. If some guy who owns a 23 1/2" inch Dragun swears Shogun Warriors came out just last year I'd run away and hide and never respond to his comment like someone with a really small Dragun. Yet these mysteries must be confronted! Mysteries like what year did they really come out? How much did they cost? How tall were they? Why were they canceled? Is Dragun a cross-dresser? I will very soon examine and attempt to answer these questions with well referenced, irrefutable proofs like old newspaper ads, links to Plaid Stallions and even shocking eyewitness accounts. To give you a tantalizing taste of the incredible informations I've uncovered I'll answer the Dragun one right now! YES HE IS.


Heavyarms said...

Oooh, can I be the Secretary of Star Wars Defense Initiative?

Evil King Macrocranios said...

I may need you to head my Ministry of Gundam.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.