Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ask not what you mean to Darth Vader, ask what Darth Vader means to you

I related a theory I had once that collecting toy robots (and action figures in general) is a search for a father figure more adequate than the one we were born with. I was very proud of that one because it marked the point where I stopped letting Darth Vader tell me how he was going to run my life. I think what happened is I saw Empire Strikes Back when I was six and when Vader told Luke he's his father, I felt like he was talking to me. This was because I was so emotionally invested in the story I thought I was the mexican Luke Skywalker. This was also because at six years old I was an idiot. NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED.

CHILDHOOD PLAY PATTERNS TEND TO FAVOR BEING THE OFFSPRING OF HARRISON FORD

That scene was where Darth Vader figuratively replaced my real dad and made me his consumpto-slave. Who's real life dad can compete with a guy that is endlessly being made into in plastic dolls with lightsabers, black capes and removable helmets? Vader may as well have said (in that sexy James Earl Jones voice of his), "I am your father. Now go out and buy every goddamned action figure of me you see at Toys R Us for the next thirty years". And that's what I did because holy hell I love Darth Vader action figures. The problem is this love is not inspired by respect but by fear. Yeah sure Hasbro may not be pumping out battle damaged versions of my dad, but at least I don't piss my pants everytime I see him in real life UNLIKE CERTAIN PEOPLE NAMED DARTH VADER.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS SPOILERS BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON MYSELF

Earlier in the week I got upset about a scene in The Force Unleashed -don't read further if you want to keep this plot point a surprise- where Darth Vader kills a Jedi hiding out in a hut. We've seen him kill countless times before but what makes this different is that he kills the Jedi in front of a little boy, the Jedi's son. I guess it's because I'm a dad now but that really got to me. I've seen Darth Vader kill tons of people but this was the one time that had me thinking, "Man, that Darth Vader-what a bastard!" And then I realized-hey wait Jedis don't have sons. The hook that had me emotionally invested in the story ended up being a misunderstanding on my part of how fondly Jedis enjoy the company of little boys. Maybe Vader wasn't all that bad now that I think about it. Maybe the first level of The Force Unleashed is actually the Star Wars version of To Catch a Predator.

EVERY ENTRY IN DARTH VADER'S TWITTER IS PROBABLY JUST "I AM REALLY MAD RIGHT NOW"

Earlier this week I was consumed with my own anger and butthurt and I wondered if this must be what Darth Vader felt like at any given point during his day like breakfast or whenever. I now understand how Vader rage consumes every facet of life. When I was Vader raging I wondered if Vader could have any hobbies that would effectively blow off steam involving anything less than blowing up planets. When I was that mad I changed from sensitive father upset at a scene in a video game to guy wishing he had his own private Alderaan full of puppies and teddy bears to blow up. When I was that mad I really wanted to see Vader kill kill kill Jedis in front of little boys and even their mommies and Oprah and everybody. I wonder if when Vader thinks of Alderaan he thinks, "God I hope there were lots of puppies on that bitch."


DARTH VADER'S HELMET IS THE RORSCHACH TEST OF THE MTV GENERATION

Now that I am older Darth Vader isn't just a reason to go to Wal-Mart. Now that I am older I see I can use Darth Vader as a gauge of my emotional state of well being. I think of him when I'm angry. I still feel like he talks to me but instead of saying, "I am your father", he's more asking, "Are you wanting to force choke someone today? Are you so mad you want to use the Death Star laser beam or would throwing a TIE Fighter at somebody be enough?" And then maybe I can act accordingly in dealing with that anger. Owning Darth Vader has little to do with buying a doll of him for five bucks. Owning Darth Vader is about listening to the special message he has for me and how it can help me run my life. NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED.

5 comments:

naladahc said...

If you ever choose to abandon your Evil King Macrocranios identity, I'm fairly certain now that Mexican Luke Skywalker has to be your new name.

Heavyarms said...

SONOFA...

So I looked up info on that game and found out it was going to be released for PS2, too, and now I'm going to have to buy it.

CRAP!

Evil King Macrocranios said...

If you preorder it from GameStop you get an exclusive Stormtrooper figure, too!

Evil King Macrocranios said...

Oh, it looks like the figure is only going to be available at stores doing the midnight opening. You have to preorder and be there at midnight. Even then it looks like only 12 per store so unless you're in the first twelve forget aboutit.

Rob said...

You don't know how many times I've wanted to Force choke someone or give someone a Force heart attack.

 

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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.