Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The intimidation factor of seeing Godzilla on a SpeederBike is probably lost on Ewoks but they'll get it once their heads explode into furry fireballs

No matter how hard I try I can never consistently remember specific lines of dialogue from my dreams. Once in a while I'll wake up remembering that I just had a dream conversation with someone famous like Kermit the Frog or Omega Supreme but I never remember the exact words. Only very rarely do I wake up knowing exactly what was said, but even then most of the time it's just gibberish. Like one time I remember I was flying in a helicopter piloted by Olivia Newton John dressed as the hot Sandra D. from the end of Grease and she told me in Australian "Only the sky is real-the ground is made of gold and yellow." It was great remembering crazy bullshit like that so I went and wrote it down immediately. However I was somewhat disappointed by the content of her quote since I was hoping that in my dreams Olivia Newton John would be telling me how she desperately needed anal sex.

I have this theory that dreams are garbage thoughts my mind is trying to erase or write over. I figure my head is like a VCR and when I need to record over something, the VHS tape of my memories gets rewound so my mind can start recording at just the right spot. All this rewinding is done while I'm sleeping and that's what dreams are-old or useless memories played one last time before they're erased. That's why they're all scrambled and backwards and they don't make sense. They are not meant to be remembered and sometimes a couple of tapes get played at once to make it more confusing, resulting in cross contamination of different elements like helicopter rides and Olivia Newton John. The only exception to the erasure theory is when I dream about awesome events I wouldn't get to normally experience like marathon Iron Maiden concerts that last 6 hours or however long I'm asleep. Imagine how awesomely wet my mattress was after waking up from a six hour Iron Maiden concert where Bruce Dickinson tired out after the first hour so I had to fill in and sing their whole friggin catalog! I dreamt that once and only once back in '89. Because unfortunately those awesome dreams get all mixed up and contaminated, too so the majority of the time I end up dreaming instead about Barry Manilow doing a concert of Iron Maiden covers for 6 hours and then telling me afterwards how he desperately needs anal sex.

So yesterday was absolutely fantastic when I woke up remembering part of a dream interview I was doing with George Lucas about Speeder Bikes. I guess playing with that 12 inch Biker Scout doll was so scarring to my psyche that my subconscious was trying to erase all recollection of it. But who cares because although I don't remember much of what was said, I did recall the most fantastic Star Wars quote of all time-

Holy crap that is the most incredible thing George Lucas has ever said to me in my dreams ever. I think it came from thoughts I had when I was writing yesterday's post about the 12 inch Speeder Bike I opened. Early in a rough draft of that post I wanted to include a picture of the bike so I could give my blog readers a sense of how big the toy was. I figured even pictures wouldn't work well unless I had an object alongside the Speeder Bike that everybody is familiar with to give people a sense of scale. But what common everyday object would I use that's universally recognizeable? Oh hell, that's easy. I was going to use my Godzilla from Shogun Warriors because who doesn't have Godzilla from Shogun Warriors lying around? But I scrapped the idea because maybe not everybody remembers where they put theirs. Still, the Godzilla idea implanted itself into my subconscious just enough for George Lucas of dreamland to use it as if it were a thermal detonator to wreak havoc on my mental VHS library of dreams and memories. Kind of like how real George Lucas wreaked havoc on my memories when he put Hayden Christensen's face over Sebastian Shaw's head at the end of Return of the Jedi special edition. That fucker!

I think Godzilla on a Speeder Bike is probably the most extreme and terrifying idea I have ever had ever. I am still quite stunned by the real-world implications of it. Every horrible thing ever imagined by man could not possibly be more terrifying than Godzilla on a Speeder Bike. No matter what horrific situation I may be in, whether it be a bloody war battlefield or hideous car crash or another Transformers movie directed by Michael Bay, they all pale in comparison to the mind-numbing nightmare it would be seeing Godzilla coming at me on a Speeder Bike. Because normal Godzilla could be outrun by a really fast car or a plane, but if Godzilla gets on a 500 kilometers per hour Speeder Bike, there is absolutely no hope of escaping his fire breath or atomic blast. This could possibly be infinitely terrifying, with Barry Manilow singing Iron Maiden on a Speeder Bike coming in a close second.


naladahc said...

What's sad is out of the 2ft ones, all I had was Godzilla.

And my mother gave him to my cousins who destroyed him completely.

I still have my 5" die cast ones.

The thing is... could Godzilla On A Speeder Bike defeat Getter Robo 3 On An AT-AT?

Evil King Macrocranios said...

They've whored out the Star Wars brand so much with potato heads and Transformers and other silly crossovers that a Shogun Warriors/Star Wars line is inevitable. I'm waiting for My Little Star Wars Pony.

I think all I ever had was Godzilla and the teeny little 3 inch Getter Robo. My Godzilla is pretty shot to hell with a head that comes off and a broken foot amongst other multiple injuries. But compared to the other stuff from my childhood toy massacre phase, he got off easy.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.