I WOULD BUY THOSE GUITAR BAND VIDEO GAMES but the only songs I know are from robot cartoons OR: For those about to bot, I salute you

The super sexy $169 Rock Band video game came out last week. Finally my chance to put together a band called "Doctor Archeville and the Ultimate Doom" had arrived. But Rock Band isn't just about putting on a lab coat and singing Iron Maiden songs about the end of the world. It's about guitaring and drummering, too. It's not just a Bruce Dickinson simulator, it's a whole Iron Maiden simulator. The idea is you get together with three other people and you form a virtual band with no real talent (All you haters go ahead and insert your own Iron Maiden joke here you bastardos). I was telling my wife about it and she says, "But you don't have what's needed to play that game!" And I asked, "What don't I have? 169 bucks?" and she said, "No, you don't have FRIENDS." And then we both laughed and I ran to the laundry room so she couldn't see and I sang along to my The Number of the Beast record while crying like a baby, which is how I spend my Saturday nights anyways.

Aside from friends who would want to be in a fake band with me, I also realize I don't like or even have knowledge of the vast majority of songs on the Rock Band setlist. There's no Matchbox 20, Barry Manilow or Helloween and the only Iron Maiden song they've got is a cover of Run to the Hills (and I got tired of playing that one on a real guitar ten years ago). There's also a serious lack of robot related song content. If there was any way I could play the opening theme music of 1980's robot cartoons I would be so sold on this guitar game stuff. I would trade any ten songs on the Rock Band setlist if I could fake play the rockin'est song ever-the opening theme to Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors.

But even if I did have friends and even if they come out with a downloadable pack called "Iron Maiden covers 80's cartoon robot theme songs", damn, $169 is a lot of money. Then again, I feel stupid for even thinking that. Realizing that Rock Band costs exactly as much as the last toy robot I bought has me spiraling downward into a videogame induced midlife crisis. Why did I spend $169 on a plastic robot? What was I thinking? To a rational sane person an interactive video game will always give the most entertainment value over any inanimate object. But this is me we're talking about and it's not like I didn't agonize for days before plunking down the money on the toy robot. I had my reasons however retarded and I still think the Yamato VF-0S is the greatest robot ever so I can't fault myself for buying it. Then again, coming to the decision that $169 is best spent on a toy robot is wrong no matter how you get to it, but that doesn't mean a lot of thought doesn't go into making that wrong choice.

Yeah, I maintain a precarious balance between rock and robots. It's a battle that rages in my soul everyday. Sometimes the rock wins and sometimes the robots win, sometimes I have to choose between Megadeth and Megatron. For anyone out there feeling bad because all your friends like Rock Band but you just want to get it on with Jayce from Wheeled Warriors-don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with Rock Band for not having more robots.