Friday, August 24, 2007

"To Catch a Predator" would be infinitely more interesting if every so often they'd let one of their contestants win

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of friends who were young single fathers. I think all of my friends with babies were single dads that had relationship problems with their baby mommas. They used to tell me that having a baby was the single best way to meet hot young women. You take a baby to a mall and you'll have to beat off the girls with a stick. Well now that I have a baby I'm doing a lot of beating off all right, but it's not like they told me because apparently my baby emits 'My dad is gay' rays.

It seems like the only young people that I have met because they wanted to talk to me about my son are more young guys in dysfunctional relationships with their baby mommas. There was that one young guy at the new daddy class and then the other day when I was at the Dodge dealer, there was this young guy working there that gave me a ride to the mall while I waited for them to fix my piece of crap Dakota. This young man was in the same situation as the other young dad I met-his girl took the baby and ran. I don't know how these conversations deteriorate but he went from 'It's fun being a dad, huh?' to 'There are no good women left. They're either taken or they're bitches or they're sluts'. I was thinking, what's wrong with slutty bitches? Obviously he was underestimating the fun one can have with a good slutty bitch. Those are the best kind!

I'm getting sort of tired of being the guy these total strangers choose to dump their life baggage on. Not so much because the conversations are depressing, but I'm tired of feeling helpless to console them and not knowing what to say. I decided I'd just be totally supportive of everything this one guy was saying and throw it all right back at him with plus ten enthusiasm. I said "Hell yeah they're all slutty bitches! You know what? I secretly say 'Fuck Yeah!' when I hear about a serial killer cutting off the heads of hot college girls. I applaud the murder suicide husbands who kill their wives. Good for them! And when I watch that 'To Catch a Predator' show I keep hoping that I'll finally see the one guy that wins and gets to molest the decoy girl." The next ten minutes of the ride were pretty quiet but when we finally got to the mall just before he let me out of the car he said, "Dude, you know 'To Catch a Predator' isn't a fuckin' game show." Then I clicked my tongue, gave him a thumbs up and winked, "Yeah, but that doesn't stop you from winning at the home version!"

4 comments:

MMD said...

Oh good god. Evil King you are a king among men my friend, king among men. I too wish someone would molest the decoy only because she does look kinda hot (knowing she is of age of course). Plus her job as an actor is to deal with real live predators you know she must be crazy wild in the sack (i'm kidding). Oh by the way I use to take my baby cousins to the mall and you should see the looks I got. People though they were my kids like I was some 16 year old that knocked some girl up in high school. How I hate the mall.

Evil King Macrocranios said...

I know she's hot in the sack. I know she makes her boyfriends role play and assume the predator role. I know she invites them over and pretends she's only 15 and she tells them, "Molest me like the hot middle aged boy scout leader you are!"

Weasel said...

I know she's hot in the sack.

Dude, she's probably into S&M.

.......

Okay, I just creeped myself out.

MMD said...

Ya I bet she does love the S&M and makes the guys she sleeps with assume the predator role. I think she would totally be kinky like that. As for those guys they are probably just as willing because they usually pay 80 bucks an hour to some hooker (which she uses to buy more meth) for the same service...not that I would know but hypothetically.

 

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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.