Transformer my Summer? More like Transformer my mouth into all cavities OR: Overrun by a Convoy of corporate shilling

Well May 28th was the big day for people who entered the USA Weekend Transformers movie preview contest. That was the day that USA Weekend would notify one lucky winner that they won a free advance screening of the Transformer movie in their hometown with tickets for 150 of their friends. I waited by the phone all day but got no call. Maybe it's for the better because I don't know if I could find 150 people willing to watch a Michael Bay movie even for free. I don't know who they think they're dealing with anyways because I'm a Transformer nerd. I don't even have three friends in the United States, much less 150 in the city I live in. In their next contest, USA Weekend will be giving away PS3s to blind quadraplegics.

But at least I know I didn't win that one. I've been waiting over a month now for the poster I 'won' from Lunchables in the contest where I lied about being a little kid so I could win. Why haven't they sent me my crap yet? It's not like they don't have assloads of posters to give away, who gives a crap if some not kids win? Do they have a problem with me saying I'm 13 and how the hell did they even find out? All I know is that I enterd their contest and even bought some of their horrible food because I felt bad about lying and now they're not even sending me my poster. Well played, Lunchables, well played.

At least all USA Weekend and Lunchables asked of me was that I give up my personal information and leave myself open to identity theft. Mountain Dew is really bending me over in their contest. I am at a really low place right now, having sacrificed my good health for a shot at winning Pepsi Prime from their Transformer Your Summer contest. Although this is a Mountain Dew contest, the only sodas at the stores around here that have the bottle caps with the codes are Diet Pepsi. I had a party at my house over the weekend so I bought a ton of Diet Pepsi but nobody wanted it because it tastes like ass so I've been drinking it all for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have drank so much Diet Pepsi that my teeth are throbbing with an odd pain that feels to me like multiple root canals are in my future. Plus my sister went dumpster diving at Star Wars Celebration 4 to find bottles caps for me. But who cares about my health or the dignity of my family? I have entered 24 codes!

I'm not gaining 20 pounds in a week just for a Pepsi Prime, though. I have also tried to win the "Ultimate Gaming Package" and the X-Box. But now that I think about it, the 42 inch plasma they're including in the prize package couldn't possibly have 1080p's. 42 inch plasmas with 1080p have barely hit the market-they're cutting edge consumer technology. The XBox isn't the Elite with the HDMI port for the best possible signal output to an HD set. These prizes are actually obsolete second rate home entertainment technology. The whole Pepsi Prime thing is not without its problems, either. Instead of ripping off an idea that's been done to death already I would have liked to see a Mountain Dew Prime. What really bothers me is Pepsi Prime has short smokestacks instead of long ones as shown on the back of the box. But who cares about half assed prizes sending me on a path to self destruction? I have entered 24 codes!

Fuck I wish Optimus Prime would shill for toothpaste or orange juice or milk. Only now do I realize that his whole saving the world schtick was just a farce building up to this day when he could use his influence to sell out generations of people (and their teeth) to the global corporate conglomerates. It's a pretty brilliant move. If he were a human being, Nacy Grace and Doctor Phil would be ripping Optimus a new a-hole right now. Where is the accountability? I don't even know if I've won anything from Moutain Dew. All I have by way of prize confirmation is thier winner's map which tells me there are four states left that have people with good teeth. Either that or it confirms my suspicion that people in Montana haven't figured out the internet yet.