In church during the wafer part I would pray that Optimus Prime would break through the walls like Kool Aid man and run over the nuns

When I was in Catholic school in seventh grade I had a religion teacher who tried to have a sort of enlightened, unified field theory style take on the origins of creation and the nature of existence. He incorporated the Bible with evolutionary theory so that he believed man indeed evolved from apes and once evolved, that first man was who was not ape was who God called Adam. So in other words he was totally batshit crazy.

In class one day he revealed that pretty much all religions were right because Catholic God was really in disguise as Bhudda and all those other main dudes. Essentially he said the deity stories were all the same across all religions about one super great guy that dies saving the world and then he comes back. And the kicker is that he appears differently to the different people of earth. Kind of like how Galactus appears differently depending on who's looking at him. The major difference being that God wasn't mad and hungry all the time and trying to eat the Zen Laas.

So at thirteen years old I became enlightened master of theology thanks to this insider information imparted to me by my crazy ass religion teacher. As he kept talking in class that day, my mind shut down and I started mulling over how God was really a shape changing being that appeared differently to all men and was like a happy Galactus, fighting for good and returning from the dead. So I wondered, who in my life was a shape changing being fighting for good that died and came back? Then it hit me-God was Optimus Prime. He met all the criteria plus the Transformers cartoon originally came out on Sunday morning.

BUT THEN WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??



Regardless, last Saturday was a holy day of obligation for Transformers fans because the first few waves of new movie toys got released officially. All the major retailers were breaking out the fancy new signage and loading up the shelves with movie merchandise. I pulled a Linus and I missed out because I didn't go to see the Great Pumpkin in the guise of plastic robots rise from the pumpkin patches of toy shelves like a devout Transformer worshipper should. I also missed the MTV movie awards where they had lots of clips from the movie. This is how I know toy robots is my religion. I dedicate as much effort to Transformers as I put into going to church every Sunday, which is none.