sUCCESS OR SOMETHING NOT LIKE IT

Ever since I hit 30 I wake up everyday to a constant state of midlife crisis, but what makes me different is that I'm so incredibly apathetic about what a colossal waste of time my life is that I don't let it get to me. I just accept that I will never amount to anything and I'm okay with it most of the time. But that doesn't stop the crazy thinkings in my head. What is up with the midlife crisis anyway. Why is it that everyone with a 30 year old brain is automatically signed up for a barrage of heaping doses of dissapointment and depression that will never go away as long as you're awake? Why must we wake up to daily self inflicted anal rapings of our minds courtesy of our double crossing brains? I thought my head was supposed to be on my side.

Today I woke up sick and when I went to take the trash out, a gust of wind blew the garbage lid up and it smacked me right in my face. Right on my forehead and nose. I thought my nose was broken it hurt so bad. The blood and swelling didn't bother me until I realized I'd have to be seen by other humans. Luckily I can decrease my exposure to them by organizing my day in such a way that I eliminate all contact with other human beings except for my wife. So I would only have to tell the incredibly stupid story of my messed up face to her. As I was wiping the blood clots from my forehead I thought about this. I also wondered if such moronic stupidity ever happens to George Lucas.

George Lucas didn't start the whole Star Wars thing until he was in his early thirties. When I was in my twenties I figured that everything was cool because I hadn't gotten to the age that George was when he started being successful. But now that I'm that old and nothing has happened I realize the extent of my fucked up life. Sometimes I'm a little pissed at how I won't ever be anywhere near successful as George Lucas, but then I realize I would probably have sucked if I tried. When I was little I wanted to be Mark Hamil anyways. I figured I'd do one great thing that only makes me rich and famous for a little while then I'd fade into obscurity. From my pre-teens to my early twenties he was my loser hero. Unfortunately thanks to voiceover work, Mark Hamil's career is booming again and I need to idolize someone less successful to feel better about my pointless existence. As I get older I find I am running out of Star Wars based burnt out slacker role models. At this point I'll settle for achieving the life equivalent of being some uncredited guy who played an ewok.

I can live with my current state of colossal failure because I never shot for any career that would have ever gotten me anywher near George Lucas stature. I never tried to be any kind of film student, successful or otherwise. What would be most depressing to me is actually going after a dream and not amounting to anything after years and years of trying. All my life I've been bombarded by cheesy songs and feel good Disney bullshit that preaches I could be anything I wanted to be if I tried hard enough. Yeah, well I know what I'm capable of and success ain't it. I would rather be fully aware of my limitations and live under no delusions than be mister aspiring film student who suicided at 32, destitute and alone after trying to make movies about flying space bears.

In the end my life was just as big a waste of time as a failed filmmaker who made terribly unsuccesful movies or worse, never even got a movie made at all. But the difference is that I expended less energy being a failure so that's got to count for something. I can sleep comfortably knowing that I don't let my constant state of dissapointment in myself and near suicidal depression affect my happiness. Or maybe not comfortably considering I have a huge garbage can lid shaped welt on my head and I'm so sick my eyeballs feel like popping out of their sockets.