Tuesday, March 09, 2010

What this blog needs is some REAL top guns...literally...I'm talking F-14s that turn into guns

I love, love, love me some toy robot airplanes. In fact I love transforming fighter jets so much that they don't even have to turn into robots for me to love them. That's why I was overjoyed to find this ad for "F-14 Tomcat Laser Fighter"-a realistic looking toy airplane that transformed into a laser pistol! At first jet-to-gun transformation may seem dumb or impractical even as a cartoon fantasy but it's actually brilliant concept that points out a logical fallacy in transforming robot war shows like Macross or Transformers.
Toys&Gifts Outlet 12/15/85
If a society has transformation technology and they're at war and the whole point is to blow up the other guys as fast and as big as possible, then why would they waste their time engineering fighter jets that turn into humanoid robots? What they really needed to do was make fighter jets that turned into gigantic laser guns! DUUUUUUUUH!


Ultimately the jet's robot mode is just an intermediary between getting to the bad guy as fast as possible and delivering the boomstick, so why not just get straight to business and turn into a giant friggin' cannon once you get there? Were the VF-1's humanoid robot forms supposed to work against the Zentradi on some sort of psychological level? Were the giant aliens supposed to feel bad or intimidated when they saw a valkyrie turn into a robot that had a body similar in size and shape to their own? Screw that, I say nothing intimidates like a giant screaming F-14 gun breaking the sound barrier to come blow up your alien ass. This is why Shockwave is the smartest guy. He didn't mess around with extra crap like turning into a dog or a dump truck or a cassette player like everybody else did. Shockwave understood the logic in Orville Redenbacher's whole "Do one thing and do it better than anyone" idea. Just get straight to the ass kicking! (But also remember to bring plenty of the 9 volt batteries.)

THE BIG GAY toys inc. LEADER-1

Also from December 1985 we have this TG&Y ad for Gay Toys Inc.'s F15 Eagle Fighter Plane, perhaps the greatest transforming robot jet ever! It was every kid's dream come true-a giant 19 inch long F-15 fighter jet that was in scale with 3 3/4 inch action figures and that could also turn into a robot!
Toys&Gifts Outlet 12/15/85
Plus it was on sale for 4 bucks! Now Gay Toys Inc. weren't exactly known for their incredible craftsmanship so it's no big surprise that the transformation is pretty sucky, essentially consisting of standing the jet up and tilting the nosecone back to reveal the head. But it's a 19 inch tall transforming robot jet that can hold your Darth Vader! If I had even the slightest clue that one of these existed when I was a kid I would have died. I wish I could find pictures of one of these online but the curse of Gay Toys, Inc. is doing a google image search for any toy from this company only leads to horror and suffering. I tried googling "Gay Toys Inc. F15" and "Gay Toys Jet" and "Gay Robot Jet" and "Gay transforming F15" but amongst all the schlongs and porn the only remotely related results I got were pictures of those two combining jet robots from that last transformer cartoon and a couple of images from my own site, the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. I guess Google is trying to tell me something. I still wish I could find a picture, though, because this toy is incredibly awesome. Despite the simplistic transformation it still manages to resemble the GoBots' Leader-1, with the large flat legs, fuselage chest and what looks like a round bald head. I can't tell too good because the picture's so bad. I wouldn't be surprised if Leader-1 served as their "inspiration" because Gay Toys Inc. would occasionally get sued for ripping off other companies' designs. I read in the details of one case that the Gay Toys Inc. design process involved putting a bunch of other toys of the kind they were shooting for on a table and then coming up with something similar. Until the day I track down one of these giant, figure carrying fighter jet robots I will just have to settle for the next best thing-Hasbro's Masterpiece Starscream and Skywarp. While not as big, the Masterpiece Transformer jets are to scale with the little Micro Machines minifigures that used to come with the old Star Wars Action Fleet vehicles. DARTH VADER WILL FINALLY GET TO BOMB THE LIBYANS!


naladahc said...

Well... the ad says it all.


Evil King Macrocranios said...

Yeah, it's kind of unfair how the Gays got the biggest thrusters.


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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.