Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Today was a triumphant day in the Kingdom of Macrocrania as a saga that has played out for over a year has finally come to an end with my armies of patience and cheapness victoriously overcoming the manipulative marketing practices of the mighty Lucas empire. My fellow Macrocranians, this is not one of those "look what I found at Wal-Mart" self congratulatory wank off posts I goof on others for doing, nor is it a "look how awesome this game is I beat it in 35 minutes on super hard Jedi level OMG TROPHIES ACCOMPLISHMENTS" game review. It can't be any of those because I got it at Best Buy and I suck at games anyways. This instead is a self congratulatory wank off about how I waited so long to buy the Force Unleashed that not only did the price eventually come down like I wanted it to, but as if to appease me and admit defeat in the face of my unending fountain of patience and cheapness the Lucas Empire reissued it with extra levels and a shiny tin box. Although "The Ultimate Sith Edition" pissed off countless Star Wars historians who bought the game the first time, it made my victory all the more sweet. Kind of like how if Darth Vader didn't explode Alderraan then blowing up the Death Star would just make Luke a gigantic a-hole. I salute you, pissed off original Force Unleashed buyers-you are the Alderaanian consumer sacrifices that make my victory over LucasArts all the more sweet.
A LONG TIME AGO, IN A RAPID CITY FAR, FAR AWAY...
But to understand why I am so brilliant we must first go back to my choice to buy a Playstation 3. I did so for the same reason I bought every other post Turbografx-16 console in my life-I was hoping for a Transformer game and a Star Wars game. Well the Transformer game based on the first Michael Bay movie came out and I paid 60 bucks for it. Then after a while that same game was selling at Toys R Us for 20 bucks! I thought to myself-at 35 years old why am I still acting like a rabid teenage consumer zombie who has to have everything the first day? That behavior just cost me 40 bucks! So I swore that when the Star Wars game I wanted came out, instead of buying it the first day I would wait. That's not to say I wasn't tempted from day one because I was but then in just a few short months stores like Target began discounting the price to as low as $40 right after last Christmas. I had faith my strategy would work. Then the unbelievable happened and it was announced there would be a super special "Sith" edition of the game with a few extra levels and I thought-HOLY HELL A SPECIAL EDITION OF SOMETHING STAR WARS? HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT COMING?
IN RETAIL "ULTIMATE" DOESN'T MEAN THE FINAL ONE, JUST "THE ONE WITH MORE STUFF THAN THE PREVIOUS ONE"
Starting last month "The Force Unleashed: Ultimate Sith Edition" began showing up in stores around here. The kicker was that it was a super bonus edition of the original game but it only cost $40! I guess they made their money. I was still reluctant to buy it because the possibility remained that they'd release an even more super duper limited edition that would eventually go on clearance, but I had waited long enough. I began noticing that stores still had so many copies of the original Force Unleahed and the new unspecial "greatest hits" reissue version of it that "The Sith Edition" was looking way underordered. I never saw it at Toys R Us or Target (whose site says it is not available in stores), FYE sold out of it almost immediately and recently Best Buy pulled the PS3 version from their site altogether. Then they began disappearing from the shelves locally and I started freaking out. I consider myself lucky for finding a copy in this post Black Friday consumer wasteland where stores stop getting merchandise I guess because they think nobody's shopping so close to Christmas. Some people who bought the original game think the new version will be around long enough to go clearance but I really really doubt it. If you thought Darth Vader was pissed off when they told him he killed his wife then you should wait to see Star Wars fans when the stockboy tells them there aren't any more Forces Unleashed Sith Edition. Stuff will get broken. Robots will be smushed.
I USED TO KILL LUKE SKYWALKER IN OTHER GAMES ALL THE TIME BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS PLAYING BADLY
So all ends well in the kingdom thanks to my new economic policy of cheapskate procrastination. I picked up the very last copy from a Best Buy 15 miles from my house, which was kind of a pain but hey you don't get to be hero of the galaxy if you never leave Tatooine. The next two weeks will be most enjoyable as thanks to Force Unleashed Super Special Sith Edition I finally get to beat Luke Skywalker's ass, making myself (the mexican Luke Skywalker) the predominate Luke Skywalker of this dimension (or at least of South Florida). I will miss my family as every second of my free time gets swallowed by the Sarlaac Pit of Star Warsian adventure trying to discover who let the Force out. But most of all I will miss you, my fellow Macrocranians. However do not fear! I shall return on Christmas like Jesus did hopefully with a little something special for everybody (unless I don't and then the only Jesus I will be like is Disappointing Jesus). But at least I will be happy playing Star Wars and that's all that matters.