Saturday, December 19, 2009

Death takes a holiday (and then goes to the library to look at toy robots ads)



It was about a year ago that my wife got the news we were moving to Miami so to introduce me to the area we started watching a tv show she liked called Dexter. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel comfortable or scare the crap out of me because Dexter is about this cereal killer guy who goes around Miami serial killing people without ever getting caught. Despite the specifics of the subject matter there are many close parallels between Dexter and anyone who lives with an overriding obsession that consumes their life-especially an obsession like looking at old toy robots ads in library microfilm archives. Dexter's constant struggle to maintain a normal appearing life while balancing the roles of father, husband, serial killer and guy with a job are much like my own juggling of life and collecting old toy robots newspaper ads at the library. Except without the serial killer part. Or job.

THE IMPORTANCE OF DEXTERCURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

Today the Queen of Macrocrania wanted to take the family to the big snow carnival for kids at the park but I wanted to go to the Fort Lauderdale main library to look for old toy robots newspaper ads. Lauderdale's library isn't open Sunday so the only shot I had was to hit it Saturday, which was the same day as the snow carnival. Snow carnival also only lasted for four hours and this was the one day it would be in our area this year. After consulting with the Queen we compromised on a plan where they would go alone without me and I would get to do what I wanted. But like Dexter what I really wanted was to do everything.

So we went to snow carnival and we waited in the hellaciously long line to dance with the Prince of Macrocrania on the snow hill and we got some pictures and I was satisfied with myself for doing the dad thing. Then I got on the bus just outside the gate of snow carnival land and went to the library, leaving my family behind. You know how the most overused self justification for engaging in retarded behavior is "Well at least I'm not doing drugs?" I wonder if serial killers think that.

DOING TODAY WHAT YOU COULD DO TOMORROW GETS IN THE WAY OF CATCHING UP ON WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE YESTERDAY

I was on the bus and I started wondering if I had done the right thing. Regret started welling up in the back of my mind. Not because I had abandoned my family but because I have such a huge backlog of old toy robots ads on my hard drive I haven't yet gotten up at the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. Knowing there's so much work to be done is overwhelming and it almost kills the fun of the hobby. Should I really have been looking for more ads when I have literally hundreds that already needed processing? Another thing I wonder about serial killers is if they find themselves in large crowds and feel overwhelmed by all the people there are to kill.

I'M A SERIAL TIME KILLER AND MY VICTIMS ARE ALL MY SATURDAYS

I don't even care where this came from
This trip marked my return to the library I was once so impressed by I called it FortLibrarius Maximus. But now lots of stuff has changed. The rows and rows of easy access microfilm reel drawers are all gone, hidden behind a booth. I have to ask the librarian for rolls and I can't get more than 4 at a time. Plus the whole visit was a total waste of time. I didn't get any new ad that really caught my eye. The most interesting one was for some obscure robots called Super Changers but even that was scraping the bottom of the barrel. The whole trip was real disappointing. I haven't had a library visit where I came out so let down. As I rode the bus back home I wondered if Dexter ever had one of those days where he really busted his ass to make his family happy and then later he killed somebody but felt disappointed. Disappointed that the guy he killed wasn't really that interesting. Unfortunately robots ads and murder are the kind of hobbies you can't complain to people about without them looking at you funny (and possibly calling the police).

2 comments:

agentmorris said...

I've often wondered if drug users have a clich├ęd excuse like the one you mentioned that's commonly used by those extreme individuals in this "thing of ours"?????

Evil King Macrocranios said...

I've never heard of drug dealers with toy robot collections. It's always expensive cars, guns and dental work. They're probably rationalizing their spending by saying hey, at least I ain't blowing my money on toy robots. This only applies to the U.S. I don't know about Japan where everything is crazy and drug dealers probably have huge toy robot collections inside their limousines and they call their gold plated glocks "Garubatrons".

Drug users I would think have a large demographic overlap with adult toy robots collectors. My theory is that toy collecting is predominately what video gaming used to be-the hobby of the lower middle class. Videogames have since boomed but adult toy collecting is still a very niche hobby that isn't common. At least in America. I'll bet the Michael Bay movies have broadened the appeal of Transformers so that there are more meth users now who have transforming toy robot Camaros but I'd hate to be the guy who has a meth habit AND likes Michael Bay movies. Then again I don't know how many meth users there are out there. Maybe a giant meth addicted population explains the popularity of the Bay movies. It's scary to think about those people existing. Sometimes people on meth see demons and I wonder how they would ever be able to tell the difference between meth demons and their Michael Bay Transformers collection.

Since drug addicts are usually people who can't afford to be on drugs I'm sure that somewhere out there is somebody who has sold off their robots to get more drugs. If adult robot collecting is a mental disorder as I've postulated, then that person actually improved their life however slightly. The two hobbies of drug abuse and robot collecting are so economically and emotionally draining that I don't think they could coexist for long. In the end I don't know what would be healthier-a guy who sold his robots to get drugs or a guy who sold all his drugs to get toy robots.

I would love to read the blog of a guy who was a drug addict and a toy robots collector. It would be slightly inspiring to read encouraging messages about how it can be done if you just try hard enough. But also it would be really, really stupid.

 

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Evil King Macrocranios was voted king by the evil peoples of the Kingdom of Macrocrania. They listen to Iron Maiden all day and try to take pictures of ghosts with their webcams.