Thursday, July 02, 2009
RINGTONES OF THE FALLEN: Contemplating death and supertarded robots in the aftermath of 2009's double Michael armageddons
Well I made it to Miami but it's been two weeks and we still haven't found the place we want to live. Despite this annoying homelesness problem I've managed to keep my priorities straight and find time to see the Transformer movie, hang out at the library and go sightseeing at abandoned warehouses. But while I was living it up as Florida's modern day Obi-wan Kenobi, Michael Jackson did his own Obi-Wan Kenobi impression and died. The biggest impact his dying has had on me was all those annoying "Thriller" and "Beat It" cellphone ringtones going off at the library while I was trying to look at old toy robots newspaper ads. But that's not nearly annoying as every internet movie critic howling endlessly about how Michael Bay put them on a big jumbo jetplane full of flaming christmas trees, lite brites, humping Chihuahuas and a million GM car parts where every other passenger is Linkin Park wearing Optimus Prime voice changer helmets and crashed it into a clan rally at Toys R Us. Hell, I don't have to jump into a volcano to know it will be terrifying and awesome except for the dying part. Hopefully we'll all be able to work through the pain inflicted upon us by what the two Michaels did last month. Although I never cared much about The King of Pop I think I can understand what his fans are going through and I empathize. Michael Bay is my own personal Michael Jackson-it is because of him that I too think about 25 years ago and cry a lot.
WHY ARE THE CRITICS WHO ARE CALLING THE TRANSFORMER MOVIE RACIST ALSO THE ONES SAYING ALL THE ROBOTS LOOK THE SAME?
I remember one day in 1984 I was in 4th grade waiting in line to get back in class after recess and some little girl in front of me was talking about Michael Jackson. I guess she was talking to me because she asked, "So what is your favorite Michael Jackson song?" and I said I didn't like Michael Jackson I liked toy robots instead. Then she asked me if I was a racist, because apparently her litmus test for racism was one's devotion to Michael Jackson. Or maybe she was implying liking toy robots more than Michael Jackson was racist. Now 25 years later the subjects of racism and its connection to toy robots is being brought up on the playground of the internet and hell, I've had a 25 year head start to sort this all out. My fellow Macrocranians, I think racism is a sort of reverse fandom-a bunch of people united not by their love of a common interest, but by their hate of it. (Actually this describes toy robots fans pretty good already). Since people have multiple interests there is bound to be some demographic overlap between the fandom of toy robots and the reverse fandom of various racisms. So indeed there must be millions of racists who like toy robots but the overlap cuts both ways so I'm sure there are lots of racists who are also Michael Jackson fans. If Thriller is the biggest selling album of all time then there has to be at least one guy in a hate group out there who has hummed Billie Jean under his hood. But are toy robots themselves racist? Well, no, toy robots cannot be racist because the only thing humming under their hoods are little plastic engines.
I FEEL A GREAT DISTURBANCE, AS IF A MILLION ROGER EBERTS CRIED OUT IN TERROR...
I may not be a psychiatrist or a movie critic or a veterinarian but I think all the negative reviews of the Transformer movie stem from how we as mammals perceive giant computer generated robots on a subconcious level. Like the Velociraptors from Jurrasic Park, the Transformers robots instinctively trigger flight or flee responses in our brains. I'm not saying Roger Ebert dislikes Transformers Revenge of the Fallen because his cavemen ancestors ran from giant robots and evolution has imprinted on him a genetic aversion to transforming robot Camaros, I'm saying the human mind is incapable of empathizing with inorganic, non-fleshy creatures as story protagonists. Our furry mammal minds are hardwired to not be able to emotionally invest in towering super realistic CGI robots when we see them in movie theaters because Michael Bay's characters are innately terrifying on a primal level. Unfortunately the best way around this hardwired evolutionary programming is to have a "differently enabled" mind, meaning the only people who can truly appreciate Transformer movies are the retarded and those with Aspergers Syndrome. They are the lucky ones. Even after centuries of evolution, the human race is not ready for Michael Bay and his movies about sentient, physically superior to us robots that look like flaming barbeque grills. Except maybe when they blow up. I may not know a lot about psychology or professional movie critisism but I've never met an exploding robot I didn't like.
EVEN IF REVENGE OF THE FALLEN IS A CRITICAL FAILURE IT IS STILL THE GREATEST BURGER KING COMMERCIAL EVER
I remember reading back in '07 that Michael Bay prophecised the first Transformer movie would make toy robots fans cool in the eyes of the public at large but now after he's unleashed this roboplastic apocalypse I'm wondering what he expects them to think of us now. It's like he's some vengeful old testament god breaking the second seal of toy robots armageddon because mankind didn't appreciate his first toy robot movie. I'm no bible scholar but I did see Raiders of the Lost Ark and Da Vinci Code and you know those bible prophecies about God destroying humanity first by water then by fire? I've been thinking they really mean God would destroy pop culture first with James Cameron's movie Titanic (which was water) and then with Michael Bay's Revenge of the Fallen (fire and explosions). Like vengeful old testament god smiting sodom and gomorrah, I feel like Michael Bay has smoted and flame broiled my reputation as a fan of toy robots like a double stackticon burger with his fire and explosions. And although God gave us rainbows as the promise he'd never use James Cameron to destroy us with water again, unfortunately the bible contains no firey exploding rainbow assurances that Michael Bay won't make another Transformers movie. So the next few years are pretty bleak for people who like singing Thriller while wearing Optimus Prime voice changer helmets in public, but do not despair my fellow Macrocranians. You should see the great things the Koran says about the upcoming Voltron movie.