I don't know if I want to live in a universe ruled by Voltron

I look forward to new advances in internet technology because they afford me higher tech ways to do dumb things. Every new form of electronic expression is an opportunity for me to broadcast my stupidity to larger and larger audiences. For example, now that I think about it, that "repetitive cykills" poem I wrote earlier sucked major internet ass. If this were the 80's, my writing would stay confined to the back of candy wrappers and napkins but thanks to the internet I can beam that crap into the homes of countless ones of people. Another recent manifestation of my technologically enhanced psychosis is the Vintage Space Toaster Palace, of which I am quite proud. Creating a site of nothing but ads that generates zero revenue is profoundly retarded in a web 2.0 kind of way.

Even more awesomely nonsensical is the propoganda I've read while updating the VSTP with major archeo-culturalogical discoveries like 20 year old ads for Voltron binoculars. The people writing the flavor text for these toy robot ads are my new writing heroes. Like the guy who had to come up with 25 words to describe the Kronoform Time Machine. It's got a great name but that's about it. It's a watch. It's a robot. It's a robot watch. What more can you write about it? Well the guy writing the ad text had a few ideas and boy does he make that thing sound like the robot watch messiah. "Robot time machine is a quartz watch that transforms into a fully articulated robot with moveable arms, legs, head." Whoa. Fully articulated? If you owned one you knew robot time machine was about as fully articulated as a tortilla.

In the 80's, corny toy robots ad writers were constantly stressing the "full articulation" and "movable" qualities of their toy robots, which is funny because robots from the 80's are referred to lovingly nowadays as "bricks" and "pieces of crap". Voltron got the corniest ad copy. "The king of the jungle now rules the universe! The set includes 5 fully movable lion robots..." They get points for making Voltron the ruler of the universe, but "movable"? The word "movable" isn't all that awe-inspiring. My sofa is movable. My sofa should not share a common adjective with a five lion robot that rules the universe. These guys should have taken lessons from Kronoform watch guy. Kronoform watch guy would describe Voltron as the toy robot lion antichrist that will send you to hell! Also, fully articulated.

As I was uploading the ads for the computer control Voltrons, my mind wandered a bit into the dangerous territory of "thinking too much about robot cartoons". I started wondering, what is the operating system of Voltron? With Voltron being a giant combining robot there has to be some Voltron operating system running the software. I don't think I ever saw Voltron Commander Keith call the Voltron OS tech support hotline to fix bugs in the lions. That probably means they had good dependable software and they downloaded the firmware updates often? But what if you're battling a Robeast and your Voltron operating system locks up? You'd be screwed! (This is why it is important not to store your MP3s on your robot lion's hard drive.) I would watch an anime following the adventures of a team of giant robot software technicians traveling across the universe fixing locked up robots. There could be episodes where they get sued by class action lawsuits filed by the populations of entire planets whose Voltrons crashed due to software failure. Or maybe not because if your Voltron breaks down, Robeasts will probably eat all your lawyers.



What I really need to be thinking about is registering a new domain name for the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. The current one expires in two weeks and I'm thinking about giving the VSTP it's own dot com. But "vintagespacetoasterpalace.com" has more letters than the whole alphabet and "vstp.com" is taken by some squatters. I can think of a couple dumb (yet appropriate) ones like ZeroRevenueAds.com and RobeastsAteMyLawyers.com that I'm sure nobody has but that I don't want either. WHERE IS KRONOFORM WATCH AD GUY WHEN I NEED HIM?