You gave to Toys For Tots-you even gave to Toys for Teens. Now make a real difference and give to Toys for Thirtysomethings.

George Bernard Shaw said "Youth is wasted on the young". I say not only that, but all those toys people donate to Toys For Tots are wasted on the young, too. I know from first hand experience that all those shiny new toys lay in broken heaps by mid afternoon on Christmas Day. Underprivileged kids are the worst people to donate toys to! Those kids just break their toys anyways. Trust me, I was once a kid and all I did was break my shit.


Did you know there's even a Toys for Teens? You shouldn't give to Toys for Teens either because teenagers are punks. They'll just take the video games you donate and sell them for money to buy what they really want, which is hookers and drugs. Trust me, as a teen I may have been all into the roboplasticos but I was always looking for ways to transform Optimus Prime into blow jobs and crack.

Look people, I'm the one who's really hurting here. You want to talk about less fortunate? The little town I live in only has one Wal-Mart. This holiday season while you're driving to your mansions after going to the five Wal-Marts within one mile of your house, how about you try thinking of people who don't have the same opportunities you have in the big city. Think of the consumption deprived. Remember, having fewer Wal-Marts means having fewer chances to be happy. Consumption deprivation affects thousands of people all over the United States living in South Dakota. Please do what you can and help them (after you help me first).

With even a small donation of a new Lamborghini Reventón you can change the life of a thirtysomething that may never get to know the basic human necessity of having a nicer car than anyone else in a 5,000 mile radius. But if million dollar sports cars are something you're unwilling to help me out with, at least mortgage your house to help me get my BMW chromed. Every chrome BMW you help me get will go towards curing my my current condition. You see, I suffer adverse side effects from prolonged exposure to D.D.T. Yes, Driving Dodge Trucks has been a major hassle over the last eight years and a chromed BMW would go a long way to helping me forget the constant recalls and breaky parts of my Dakota.

If you're too cheap to help me out with something practical then at least get me one of the upcoming Macross 25th anniversary 1/48 scale VF-1S Valkyrie fighters by Yamato. They'll only set you back about $150 US and what's that compared to a 1.5 million dollar Lamborghini or a chrome BMW? It's nothing, I tell you. And I promise I'll take really good care of it, unlike those underprivileged punk kids running that scam toy drive.