Toy Fuckers weekly advice column
Dear Evil King Macrocranios,
I am a closeted gay stockboy at WalMart and ever since 1989 I have been raping my Teddy Ruxpin. Lately our lovemaking has grown tired and I secretly have been wanting to fuck Tickle Me Elmo. I try to keep it intersting by putting casette tapes of Milli Vanilli in him and we even go fucking out in public but it's just not the same anymore. I have been banging Teddy Ruxpin since I was nine and he used to give great blowjobs so I don't want to quit but he's changed. I purposely took out his batteries last time so he wouldn't feel anything. It was like giving him a date rape drug. I feel pretty guilty about that. My question is this-is what I do considered beastiality? And even worse, am I gay?
You crazy fucker! A mice just shitted in my styrofoams and jumped on my head!
Hey EKM,
Yesterday I found a Teddy Ruxpin head in my refrigerator.
I think my husband is the Jeffrey Dahmer of stuffed animals. When we were at lunch I asked him if he had a Teddy Ruxpin when he was little and he said, "Yeah, I HAD him all right. And all the Powerpuff Girls." I am worried about STDs. Can he get herpes from the Powerpuff Girls? It makes me uncomfortable because I think he's turning into one of those furries because I guess this is how furries start out but so far he hasn't mutated into one of those freaks. My question is this-is what he does considered beastiality? And even worse, is he gay?
SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO CONNECT MY GODDAMN HD TELEVISION!
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