Looking back there are a couple of things I did as a kid in the 80s that are totally not how I would have done things if the me of today were in charge. There were choices my childhood self made like collecting Transformer comics after 1988 and never shoplifting a RoGun from Lionel Playworld that I would do differently if I could have another shot at the 80s. But unlike most people who wish to relive their past as it happened in their youth, my time travel fantasies involve my brain inhabiting a clone of my younger self so we could both coexist alongside each other. But if I could be ten sized again with my current brain and go back in time to meet my ten year old self, would we get along at all? And more importantly, who would win in a fight?
|ToysRUs 11/20/85||TG&Y 11/10/85|
IF I WAS ME BACK THEN I THINK I WOULD HAVE LOVED A ROGUN, AND I WAS BUT I DIDN'T SO I MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE
In retrospect I'll admit that my younger self was smart to continue collecting Transformers comics up until '91. I remember not really liking those books near the end but I kept going as if guided by some future knowledge that one day I would love them. So for that I am grateful. But him not appreciating RoGun (the robot that is a gun) confounds me. Are we really that different, the me of today and the me of yesterday? I wish I could show him/me that RoGun wasn't as stupid as I/he thought it was. And if I could go back and sneak a RoGun under the Christmas tree as a present to myself, what would happen (beside reality collapsing in on itself in a tremendous cataclysm because of the same soul existing in two different bodies at the same time)? This conundrum is why I'm sure time travel never gets invented before I die-because if it were, then people like me would be using it to do dumb stuff like buy themselves RoGuns and put them under their Christmas trees in 1984
Albertsons 12/13/84(and destroy the earth). But maybe all my lack of RoGun really proves is that if time travel was invented before I died, it was never made affordable for cheap-o bastardos like me.
ENLIGHTENMENT IS A BIZARRE FORM OF STUPIDITY FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF THE UNENLIGHTENED
But even if I could afford it, that still doesn't mean my younger self would want the RoGun. RoGun may have just been an idea so far ahead of its time that only now decades later can I truly appreciate it. In other words, it took me 36 years to get this special level of enlightenment (or in the eyes of my ten year old self, this special level of stupid). But now that I realize my younger self would think my older self is dumb for liking RoGun I might never want to go back in time. Ultimately if I were me (and I am) I would be embarrassed to meet my 10 year old self and show him how terribly wrong he turned out.
|KMart 11/18/84||Family Dollar 11/05/86|
THE ONLY THING MORE EMBARRASSING THAN BEING BEATEN UP BY A TEN YEAR OLD IS BEING BEATEN UP BY YOUR TEN YEAR OLD SELF
I guess that's what the internet is for-a second chance to retroactively rewrite my childhood 25 years later by buying crap I didn't know I liked 25 years ago from some guy I've never met in my life. I wonder if my collecting old toy robots is some sort subconscious attempt at impressing my younger self who I will never meet. Maybe all of my adulthood has been spent preparing for the possibility that someone invents time travel in 1984 and sends my ten year old self into the future to meet me. Then I would show the me of yesterday my robots and hope he's impressed by my collection of 25 year old things, most of which I didn't own until 10 years ago. But it's funny because I now realize I'm afraid of what he might think. I don't have to wonder who would win in a fight-my ten year old self has been beating me up for years! But if I ever do get to meet ten year old me and the universe doesn't implode from the event and erase all of reality, I would like to tell him before he returns to 1984 that he was smart to keep collecting those Transformer comics and if he wants to shoplift anything, I really wouldn't mind seeing a RoGun under the Christmas tree in 2012.