It's RoGun, it's existentialism-It's RoGuNentialism!

Albertsons 12/06/84

Looking back there are a couple of things I did as a kid in the 80s that are totally not how I would have done things if the me of today were in charge. There were choices my childhood self made like collecting Transformer comics after 1988 and never shoplifting a RoGun from Lionel Playworld that I would do differently if I could have another shot at the 80s. But unlike most people who wish to relive their past as it happened in their youth, my time travel fantasies involve my brain inhabiting a clone of my younger self so we could both coexist alongside each other. But if I could be ten sized again with my current brain and go back in time to meet my ten year old self, would we get along at all? And more importantly, who would win in a fight?

ToysRUs 11/20/85	TG&Y 11/10/85

IF I WAS ME BACK THEN I THINK I WOULD HAVE LOVED A ROGUN, AND I WAS BUT I DIDN'T SO I MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE

In retrospect I'll admit that my younger self was smart to continue collecting Transformers comics up until '91. I remember not really liking those books near the end but I kept going as if guided by some future knowledge that one day I would love them. So for that I am grateful. But him not appreciating RoGun (the robot that is a gun) confounds me. Are we really that different, the me of today and the me of yesterday? I wish I could show him/me that RoGun wasn't as stupid as I/he thought it was. And if I could go back and sneak a RoGun under the Christmas tree as a present to myself, what would happen (beside reality collapsing in on itself in a tremendous cataclysm because of the same soul existing in two different bodies at the same time)? This conundrum is why I'm sure time travel never gets invented before I die-because if it were, then people like me would be using it to do dumb stuff like buy themselves RoGuns and put them under their Christmas trees in 1984

Albertsons 12/13/84

(and destroy the earth). But maybe all my lack of RoGun really proves is that if time travel was invented before I died, it was never made affordable for cheap-o bastardos like me.

ENLIGHTENMENT IS A BIZARRE FORM OF STUPIDITY FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF THE UNENLIGHTENED

But even if I could afford it, that still doesn't mean my younger self would want the RoGun. RoGun may have just been an idea so far ahead of its time that only now decades later can I truly appreciate it. In other words, it took me 36 years to get this special level of enlightenment (or in the eyes of my ten year old self, this special level of stupid). But now that I realize my younger self would think my older self is dumb for liking RoGun I might never want to go back in time. Ultimately if I were me (and I am) I would be embarrassed to meet my 10 year old self and show him how terribly wrong he turned out.

KMart 11/18/84	Family Dollar 11/05/86

THE ONLY THING MORE EMBARRASSING THAN BEING BEATEN UP BY A TEN YEAR OLD IS BEING BEATEN UP BY YOUR TEN YEAR OLD SELF

I guess that's what the internet is for-a second chance to retroactively rewrite my childhood 25 years later by buying crap I didn't know I liked 25 years ago from some guy I've never met in my life. I wonder if my collecting old toy robots is some sort subconscious attempt at impressing my younger self who I will never meet. Maybe all of my adulthood has been spent preparing for the possibility that someone invents time travel in 1984 and sends my ten year old self into the future to meet me. Then I would show the me of yesterday my robots and hope he's impressed by my collection of 25 year old things, most of which I didn't own until 10 years ago. But it's funny because I now realize I'm afraid of what he might think. I don't have to wonder who would win in a fight-my ten year old self has been beating me up for years! But if I ever do get to meet ten year old me and the universe doesn't implode from the event and erase all of reality, I would like to tell him before he returns to 1984 that he was smart to keep collecting those Transformer comics and if he wants to shoplift anything, I really wouldn't mind seeing a RoGun under the Christmas tree in 2012.

TRIBUTE TO TRON! (also -bot, -roid and other great 80's toy robot name suffixes)

The eighteenth seal of the Roboplastic Apocalypse disintegrates in a blinding flash like a high speed virtual rocket sled being driven by Santa Claus into a giant glowing wall of 1982 special effects in this TRIBUTE TO TRON (but not that one). Listen in horrific excitement as the Nostrodomatron extols the virtues of the greatest technological suffix of all time! Yes it's twenty minutes of talking about -TRON, the special combination of four little letters that made it possible for prefixes like mega-, robo-, power-, charger- and Nostrodoma- to have careers during the Toy Robots Wars of the 1980s. Plus a José Delbo update, new developments in the StarriorThing contoversy and I review some toy robot appearances in magazines from 1984 and '85. All this and more in a very special non-denominational TRONSFORM and ROLL OUT edition of the podcastalypse!


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THE FIRST RULE OF TRON NAME IS YOU DO NOT USE TRON IN YOUR NAME

There's a scene in Fight Club where Tyler Durden says sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. I'm reminded of that a lot when I come across ad after ad of 80s robot toylines with names that end in -tron. Tron is like pepper-it should only be sparsely used to add flavor to your 1980s toy robot pizza. The Transformers and GoBots only had a handful of -tron names for they knew the power of the tron suffix. To give an entire product line the -tron suffix is to abuse the power of -tron. Without a Tyler Durden in 1984, these third rate robots marketers did not understand that sticking -tron on the butt of your robot name does not make you Bob Budiansky. I like my version better than Tyler Durden's because I never could figure out why anyone would want to be a chicken.

Family Mart 11/5/84	Fishers 12/05/84	TG&Y 11/10/85

ToysRUs 12/15/1985	Toys&Gifts Outlet 12/15/85

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRON, TRON AGAIN

American toy company Buddy L didn't have the greatest track record when it came to naming toy robots lines (or making them, either). They're the company behind the most obvious and cliched robot fad cash-in name ever-"Robo Tron". Just when I thought I'd never hear a worse name I found this one ad for a Buddy-L robot line named Robotor. Holy crap is that awful. The ad appeared in late '84 around the time the first Robo Tron ads started popping up. What's really great is the Robotor robots look exactly like the designs used for the Robo Trons. It's possible that instead of actually making better robots, Buddly-L figured the key to success was changing their product name from Robotor to Robo Tron. Although Robo Tron is pretty lame I must admit it was a good move because Robotor makes RoGun sound like divine inspired marketing advice from whoever came up with "Optimus Prime". Still I am thankful for this ad and the 1984 Buddy L marketing team because without them the world would never know how close it came to a toyline named "Robotard".

Lucky 12/13/84	Consumers 11/10/85

Time 10/01/84

Penny Power Apr/May '85

SHOW NOTES OF THE PODCASTALYPSE

• Non-specific multi-denominational 80s toy robot christmas commercial
• Opening poem-"The Roboplastic Podcastalypse" (Non-denominational X-Mas version)
• Without -tron there would be no -tronians
• I get all my word origins from Bob Budiansky interviews
• Zeroids issue 2 came out
• The StarriorThing mystery deepens
• José Delbo's upcoming con appearances and his binder of old Transformer paperwork
• Mark Texiera will be at Wizard World Miami
• Another internet presence I will never maintain-The RoboFacial Bookocalypse
• Kilby has summoned me here for a purpose
• Zeroids break
• Ripping out pages from magazines at the dentist office in 1984
• Hot Toys with a Special Twist from TIME Ocotber 1, 1984
• Penny Power's legendary toy robots article from late '84
• Penny Power's not so legendary toy robots article from early '85
• I review Penny Power's reviews of Verbot, Varton, Starriors Deadeye, the Zoids Giant Zrk and other great unpopular toy robots that weren't -Trons
• Fulfilling your sub teen prehistoric robot tyrannosaurs fantasies
• If you can't say something good about robots, then write for Penny Power
• The only rant about Robotroid instruction sheets in the history of the universe
• Mysterious C.I.T.S. of Old

Shut up and let me see your Jazz hands!

Man the new My Chemical Romance record is friggin' fantastic. After two huge disappointments in the last Iron Maiden and Helloween albums things weren't looking too good for our hero but then MCR came in and saved the day. There's a line in the first single off Danger Days ((Na Na Na) Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)) that reminded me I had a Universal Studios ad I dug up too late to include in my Transformer Days '85 post extravaganza. So yeah I pre-ordered the California edition and there was a delay because the plastic ray guns weren't ready yet but they let me download the CD when it came out. So I'm waiting for that box to come in soon because I can't wait to do my talking with a laser beam.

Universal Studios 23 June 1985

THE HOLIDAY CRUSH!

The seventeenth seal of the Roboplastic Apocalypse snaps like so many people's limbs on the day after Thanksgiving as they get trampled by rabid mobs of toy robots seeking shoppers! Thrill to the adventures of the Nostrodomatron as I travel back in time to black Friday 198X in my insatiable quest to expose shopping season mysteries like why advertising Transformers in December of '84 was a recipe for broken bones and whether or not GoBots controlled the media. Plus a trip to a local comic book store to look at old toy robots (but not buy them) and discussion of the two greatest toy robots newspaper ads ever. It's DARK OF THE SATURDAY in the Kingdom Roboplastico and you're invited! (All you have to do is wake up early 26 years ago.)


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Circus World 28 November-The best ad of '84...	...because of the back page!

SHOW NOTES OF THE PODCASTALYPSE

Toys R Us 06 November 1985-The best ad ever!

• Opening poem-"The Roboplastic Podcastalypse" (Fort Lauderdaliens version)
• Toy Planet is the coolest store IN THE UNIVEEEEEERSE
• Some guys go to Tate's
• Somewhere a Snarf fan wonders why nobody's buying Grendizers
• The seven pound Luchadoratron
• Some guys talk about Shogun Warriors
• Mr. Big's Toyland
• Salute to Katherine Van Hart
• No toystores for old robots
• OH GOD IT WAS A PLAYWORLD ROBOTRONS COMMERCIAL (pause it at 1:47 and look under the He-Mans)
• Plus the greatest toy robots newspaper ads runners up ever...
• Honorable mention #1-Robinsons 30 November 1984
• Honorable mention #2-Zayre 14 October 1984