JUST SAY ALOHA! OR:There is only one place on the internet you can hear me say "Galvatron in my butthole" while imitaing Meatwad

Check out my podcast guesting debut over at Mick Aloha Adventures! It's over an hour of me and Mick talking about why Boba Fett is overrated, why toy marketing can make me buy anything, and of course, roboplasticos. (It is unedited and uncut so cover your virgin ears. I think at one point I said I raped my own childhood.)

WORLD ARE YOU READY FOR MACHINE ROBO REFRIGERATOR RESCUE

I am so retarded at internet searching that it's a miracle I find anything. It's not as easy as just typing in what you're looking for, you have to put yourself in the mind of the person that has posted the information and figure out how they would describe it. Then you have to hope that Google has indexed it and that the webpage still exists because everybody who knows HTML is emo and they always pull their sites down in fits of self-loathing, low site statistic-based webpage suicide. It's getting to the point where I don't even google for pictures of old toy robots because the best search engines for doing that are YouTube and eBay.

Skaggs Alpha Beta 04 December 1985

My inability to mind meld with google search algorithms was driving me crazy because I was trying to look up something I found in an old ad last month. It was some sort of GoBots molding set from 1985. With it you could make little clay figures of GoBots, kind of like Play-Doh but more permanent. The GoBots mold and paint set looked like it made robot figures using a process similar to resin casting, which is something I'm into. As a kid I was familiar with molding techniques people employed like using Plaster of Paris to make artistic stuff like Bigfoot feet or, WELL YOU KNOW.

If I had only known GoBots mold and paint set existed back in 1985! Applying the molding and casting concept to toy robots was something I would not do until 17 years later. When I saw that ad for the first time I felt as if a major turning point in my life was never experienced. How would I be different today if I had been exposed to toy robot oriented molding techniques in 1985 when I was eleven? Would I have become an experienced and famous sculptor by now? Would I have gone on to great things if I realized my love of making plastic things decades earlier? Would I possibly have become the Constantin Brancusi of the toy robots sculpting world instead of the burnt out 34 year old resin casting amateur I am today? (Honestly I think the only difference starting earlier would have made is I would have gotten burnt out when I was 12.)

After blowing lots of googles I finally came upon a site that had some pictures of the GoBots mold and paint set or mold and color set or whatever it's called. What I found doesn't even have the same box as the ad but it's the same concept so whatever. I am not surprised that the site where I found the picture is an archive of eBay auctions. To archive eBay auction pictures is to create the Smithsonian of pop culture consumption history. Ebay auctions are after all the greatest repository of human knowledge.

ALLIGATOR SHIRT GOES WITH ALLIGATOR PANTS!

This thing is cool beyond my wildest dreams. I would love to have had it as a kid. Hell I would love to have it now. It made 14 bas-relief style GoBots figures and not only that, it also came with glow-in-the-dark paint. Then just to twist the knife in my heart a little more, it came with extra stuff so you could also make the figures into refrigerator magnets! Now I'm not sure if the average guy would go crazy for glow-in-the-dark GoBots refrigerator magnets, but I think I just found my next resin casting project. Is the world ready for the return of Leader-1 refrigerator magnet? Well considering it wasn't ready the first time I guess the answer is no.

Sometimes life is like looking for stuff on Google that you can't figure out the correct search terms. But if you keep trying you just might find what you weren't looking for, and in a different box. THIS IS ME BEING PHILOSOPHICAL.

I LOVE TRANSFROMERS-VSTP Update (emo meltdown edition)

I HAD A MOMENT of weakness that lasted about a month as I was working on adding some more crap to the Vintage Space Toaster Palace. I let the backlog of Transformer materials build up to the point where I had over a hundred of those ads to catalog and process. I don't know why I waited-Transformers ads are my favorite ones. But getting caught up on the Transformer ads seemed like a huge chore so I put it off and the longer I waited the more I had piling up. What a drag. I guess I lost my Trans-boner.

But spending precious vacation hours in the various Bumfuck, USA's main libraries searching through old newspapers on microfilm for twenty year old toy robots ads wouldn't be my favorite hobby if it were a rational, productive and fulfilling expenditure of my time. So now there's a buttload of new ads from El Paso, Anchorage and Los Angeles over at the VSTP Transformers Page. I still got more crap but before I put up other stuff like Starriors, Robotech and Wheeled Warriors I want to go over some highlights in this Transformer themed super emo installment of VSTP UPDATE.

Whites 25 October 1984 El Paso, TX	Service Merchandise 13 December 1984 Los Angeles, CA

What kid didn't pretend to be a radio DJ back in the eighties? And what kid didn't also pretend to be a Walther P-38 carrying death squad soldier in 1943 Nazi Germany's armed forces? With Megatron microphone you could do both! Megatron microphone combines a child's fascination of AM radio with the excitement of killing stuff. Nasta Industries really did their homework on this one, creating a wireless AM radio transmitter of the robot most famous for doing radio related stuff killing. I love how third party licensees used to combine the Transformers with products that didn't readily lend themselves to the characters. Megatron microphone ranks right up there with the greats like the Skywarp soap dish and the Prowl kite. I wish they would have made a Soundwave BB gun so I could've blown my brains out with a micro cassette recorder when I was 12.

Wal-Mart 27 November 1984 El Paso, TX

This next one from Wal-Mart in my hometown of El Paso, Texas is just one of the prettiest ads I have ever seen in a newspaper. It doesn't matter though, because I never went to that Wal-Mart. We lived on the poor side of town and Wal-Mart was on the upper west side, which is where all the rich people who could afford to save money lived.

Did you know my mom used to use layaway to buy us our toys? Of course it's not possible for anyone to know that. Why am I asking? The point is she really scraped and saved so I could have Transformers. And you know what happened last Mother's Day? The flowers I ordered for her got lost but I didn't know because she was too modest to tell me they never arrived. Plus it really pisses me off when people don't transform Sunstreaker right, like how they totally fucked up his feet in this ad. If his feet aren't completely separated before they're rotated then it strips the pegs that keep the hood aligned correctly and it totally ruins the toy after about ten transforms. Barbarians! (But more importantly-Idiots!) If I had Soundwave BB gun I would go back and take out as many Sunstreaker feet molesters I could find before committing BBcide.

These next two ads for Auto-Ceptor the transforming robot watch are pretty cool because this Transformer figure straddles the line between the categories of "extremely rare merchandising tie-in" and "who gives a shit it's just a watch".

Carrs 11 December 1985 Anchorage, AK	Meijer 10 November 1985 Cincinnati, OH

Lionel Playworld 01 December 1985 El Paso, TX

This is an ad for the VHS version of the Transformers stories "Satellite of Doom" and "When Continents Collide". I've already written about how I grew up watching the Spanish dubs of the Transformer cartoon because Transformers wasn't shown over the air in El Paso and my dad wouldn't pay the cable bill so I couldn't catch it on the Los Angeles station. My only chance to see the cartoon in English was if mom bought VCR tapes of it. One day she found this abomination disguised as Transformers entertainment and I was so excited I could hardly wait to pop it in the VCR. It contained the first Transformers cartoon episodes I would ever get to watch in English! Finally I could be like all the other kids and have Transformer cartoon conversations at recess. And the next day at recess everybody laughed when I asked if Megatron really had an English accent. Then I couldn't decide which I hated more-the other kids, my dad or Transformers.

10 August 1986 Anchorage, AK

Unlike Megatron microphone, Ziploc sandwich bags from 1986 were a great tie-in to the Transformers movie. Not only did they come with iron-ons of the new 1986 Transformers, but you could use the first bag to hold your tears while you wept uncontrollably in the theater as all the 1984 Transformers die in the first ten minutes of the movie. Then you could use the second bag as you barf and barf once you realize the Autobots new leader is a Winnebego. With any leftover bags you could go home and watch season three of the cartoon where emo Rodimus runs the Autobot organization into the ground. Unless of course you were me in 1986 who did not get to see season three when it first came out in English. Am I bitter? Well right now I feel like smashing some Sunstreaker feet. Holy hell with all these bad memories it's a miracle I got through posting 100 Transformer ads without killing myself. Heck, I'm surprised I got through the eighties without killing myself.

HASBRO IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO MAKE SOUNDWAVE BB GUN

A toy robot is a wish that your butt makes (The Ghost of Alternity)

One cold snowy day I finally put my toy robots away
when my real truck broke for like the ten thousandth time
I popped open the hood, looked at the engine real good, and thought
This crap never happens to Optimus Prime

The starter had to be replaced and with snow and ice falling on my face
Under the truck with my ratchet I was loosening silver bolts
Looking back it's plain to see I should have disconnected the battery
Cause the starter fell on me, shocking with a thousand silver volts

And I came to and with a fright I viewed a ghostly sight
It was a car parts robot phantom with an alternator head
He had fenders in his thighs and bright fiery red piston eyes
and Hasbro copyright stampings on his tire treads

At first I was scared but he seemed familiar as I stared
and I recognized within him a long lost affection
Seemingly sad he said to me, I'm the ghost of Alternity
I am the part of you that loved your robot plastic collection

As I slowly rolled my eyes he said he just wanted to know why
So I broke it gently to my oddly emo robot ghost
I said I'm okay, I'll be fine, I'll still dream about Optimus Prime
But I've finally figured out that you should know

A toy robot is a wish that your butt makes
When you buy one you ain't thinking with your head
You might think it makes you feel like you're a kid again
But at thirty it just makes you feel retarded instead

He saw I no longer cared and he needed to get out of there
but he wanted to thank me for the last twenty five years
So we talked of the fun we had when I was ten in G1
and I saw him cry a bright fiery red piston tear

Then I changed out my starter and for the ghost it got harder
to leave, but I told him hey, you'll be just fine
I said dude don't be bummed, I still see you when I see my son
And my truck started the very first time

Some people have a face for radio-I have a voice for blogging

Greg and Rob from The Paunch Stevenson Show invited me to be their guest. I've never done that type of thing before so this will be a first for me. Their podcast is best described as a mix of topics from current pop culture to 80s/90s era nostalgia. It's not unusual for them to talk about Steven Segal's action movie career one minute and then Doctor Phil the next, all the while doing impressions of Louie Anderson. We're going to record tomorrow night and over the past few days I've been kinda nervous about the whole thing. Rob has assured me that the discussion we'll have will play to my strengths, which is cool but holy crap what if the conversation veers off a bit into areas I don't know about (which is pretty much everything except old newspaper ads of toy robots).

To soothe my anxiety I asked for advice from the only people in the world that I trust-my wife and The Moon Masters. My wife told me it's a good thing if I get the chance to talk outside of my established comfort zone about subjects that I may not be an expert in. But then she kind of just rolled over and went to bed without telling me why. The Moon Masters told me to just be myself and don't try to be funny or it'll come out sounding forced. So best case scenario would be I mesh well with Rob and Greg and we may have interesting discussions about video games or other such topics and worse case scenario would be I start doing Voltron episode reviews in a Louie Anderson voice.

This concludes the Voltron portion of YOUR LIFE or: The first rule of Voltron is you do not talk about Voltron

Back in 1986 when I was twelve years old, department stores like Sears used to hang Voltrons from the ceiling in the toy section. Not just any Voltrons, but the big expensive Matchbox die cast deluxe Voltrons. Those Voltrons were so heavy and metal they could have opened for Iron Maiden. Oftentimes I found myself standing directly beneath the mighty metal lion Voltron watching him hang there all heavy and mighty, just as God's balls hang heavy and mighty in the sky above mankind.

I was sure that one day I would have that heavy ass $40 Voltron. It wasn't any sort of premonition or any backdoor deal I struck with God-I had seen Matchbox Voltron in my sister's closet so I knew my mom was hiding it from me. All I had to do was wait until Christmas, but then in a cruel twist of fate my mom confronted me one day and said that she knew that I knew it was there but it didn't matter. In her mind I was a bad boy or something and she was going to save Voltron to give to my little 2 year old cousin instead. I thought it was some sort of cover story she was using to throw me off the trail. Then in November another bombshell dropped like a load of giant robot lion poop all over my life. Matchbox Lion Voltron got recalled due to lead paint issues. Even if my Mom was lying about giving Voltron to my cousin, she still couldn't give it to me anyways. Or could she? WHat would happen if she did? Would the Voltron police bust in on our Christmas and send us all to Voltron jail? I hoped against hope that she wouldn't let a little thing like toxic lead paint get in the way of the meaning of Christmas (which was giving me robot lions). But sure enough Christmas came and I didn't get jack shit for Voltrons. Even though I was just twelve years old I vowed this would be the last time I let a woman control my supply of toy robots.

YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT VOLTRON DOES NOT LIKE YOU

From that point on Voltron would be nothing but a source of shame and self-loathing for me. For the rest of Christmas vacation I pondered my worthless Voltronless existence. How could I face the kids at school whom I had already told I was getting a Voltron? How could Voltron come to my house but not hang out with me in my room? How could Voltron decide not to defend my universe? Some questions I still ponder to this day, like where did that Voltron go anyways? Did my mother keep it or did she really give it to my cousin? I would never know the answer because from that Christmas onward I never ever mentioned Voltron around my mother again. There's just some subjects sons don't talk to their mothers about. Subjects like sex. With my mom and me that subject is Voltron.

Our Voltrons were our models for God. If our Voltrons bailed, what does that tell us about God?

Last year my wife brought a friend from work over and I showed him my robot collection in the laundry room. He said he noticed a conspicuous lack of Voltron. All these tons and tons of robots I have and all he could focus on was my not having that one. It just about drove me nuts. I asked him if a Voltron hanging from the ceiling was a necessary part of a well rounded robots collection. He said that in some people's minds it is. And all I could do was stare at him really really hard and I noticed that his right eye was a little wobbly, as if he had mild neurological damage. Neurological damage that could only have come from being lead poisoned about twenty years ago. MY COUSIN'S EYE IS THE SAME!

VSTPs3 talky talky

It barely now occurs to me that I can use the Playstation for something other than watching porn in high definitions. If anyone out there has a PS Eye and wants to do video conferencing my PSN id is KingMacrocranios. I'm usually free after 8 pm mountain time and I can discuss a myriad of topics so long as they are all toy robots ads from 1984.